Boyfriend staying out all night when we have a baby

I get that he works hard and needs to let off steam, but it seems so unequal. I’m on maternity leave and breastfeeding, don’t get any respite obviously with a young baby, get zero time alone. It’s building resentment. He’s always been like this so can I expect him to change?

This is pertinent.

Midnight once a month ? Do people really think he has a drink problem and should leave him 🤔

It's important to have friends, a social life and some down time. Yes, he should let you know if he's going to be late but I really wouldn't think this is a big deal.

Start booking stuff in for you to have a break! Spa days, drinks, concerts, meals out with mates and family etc
Don't martyr yourself while he's out on the lash lying about when he's gunna get home and being irresponsible

You’ve got low standards if you feel daft expecting more from him! Going awol & lack of communication when you have a baby is not ok! It will get worse until you set (& stick to) boundaries. Why does he need to let off steam because he works hard but you don’t? Looking after a baby IS working full time. Honestly & nicely, you need to expect better.

He’s always been like this so can I expect him to change?
No.

All of this.

I'm sorry to say it but he doesn't seem like he wants to be a father. Parenting is about teamwork and if he's choosing to do this so often then he is taking the piss and prioritising drinking and his mates over you. You're right, it's very unequal and very unfair. What would he say if you pulled this stunt even once? Never mind every month.

I would give him the opportunity to change and show you some support and respect. If he chooses not to do that then you have your answer. Your life will be a lot more peaceful if it's just you and your baby. No man child keeping you up at night wondering where he is.

I get that he works hard and needs to let off steam

He’s a father and should be an adult. When do you get to “let off steam?” You are enabling this behaviour by thinking like this. Yes people go out when they have children but they shouldn’t go AWOL. Why wouldn’t you mind that this useless piece of shit was going out all night? You SHOULD mind! I wouldn’t be wasting a second of my life living with someone like this. I was married to someone like this and left when my child was 12 weeks old, it was the best decision I made. Things will NOT get better with this man, he’ll promise to change but fall into the same old routine, get out now is my advice and don’t look back.

He has a drink problem OP.
His drinking and social life is more important than you and his baby.
He hasn't taken on board that when you have a child priorities should change.
You would be better off ending the relationship.

Absolutely this!

FFS too many autocorrect typos there. But hopefully you get the gist!!

You sit down and have a grown up conversation about the type of parents you want to be and the type of relationship you want to have. Not tomorrow when he’s hingover and you’re angry, another time when you’re calm. Make sure you talk about equal time to do fun stuff and having respect for each other.

if he carries on regardless or thinks you’re just being a nag, remember that when someone shows you who they are you should sit up and take notice. You can’t often change people, but you can decide to hate you’re prepared to put up with.

First post nailed it.

I've been on MN since about 2011 and these threads are sadly very common.

The men tend not to change, but often the women carry on having more babies with them in the hope that they will.

If becoming a father hasn't made him grow up OP, you're better off cutting your losses now.

Another baby born to another shit father.
If I were you I'd cut my losses and dump him. You and your child will never be his priority.