Life is just meh after baby

@OneBusyTiger for what it's worth, my baby is 3 months, and I am in the exact situation and feel the same. I feel meh because I need a break, some sleep and some company. I don't need medication to suppress perfectly normal feelings.

I think there's too much toxic positivity around motherhood and especially small babies. My mum and a few other women her age that I know are SO much more honest, they're the only ones who admit how hard and relentless it is.

Everyone else my age just goes on about how wonderful it is. Someone (who does not have kids of her own yet) said to me maternity leave must be "magical". LOL.

Reminiscing doesn't hurt DC.

Also, DC aren't damaged by honesty. I tried to smile all the time when DC1 was first born (with colic screaming baby!) as I thought it was the best way to show her happiness. Then I read a book on being relaxed in front of a baby, they need to see people be happy, bored, sad. It's all emotions they can learn about!

To add. My child is very well rounded. He’s recently changed schools and as the teacher has said, it’s like he’s been here from the start. He is a very happy and LOVED child. I think there are a lot worse situations he could be in than a mother reminiscing about her past.

Thank you. Excellent post. Some people just don’t like to be honest with themselves or had quite boring lives pre children ☺️

Quit the dramatics. Jesus! I miss parts of my old life. I don’t cry on my pillow about it. FFS 🤣🤣🤣 Some people around here. Moronic thoughts and words.

I haven't read the full thread, but just wanted to flag that you will probably have other opportunities to take time off with your child, using parental leave for instance.
Check your work policy, I assume the last months of your mat leave are unpaid so it could be worth going back earlier (maybe part time), and you could keep the savings to use for a few weeks parental leave when your child is a bit older. There is so much more you can do with a toddler!

I found my first mat leave very hard, and going back to work helped a lot.

I remember feeling just like this. It changed for me gradually over the first year, but I did realise later on that I did have PND (just not the classic symptoms the HV looked for.) I did go on anti depressants when my dd1 was 3 and i don't regret it at all as I started to find joy in life again. I still have moments when I feel like motherhood is just a drag (they're 10&12 now.) but nothing like how I felt in year 1. I wish I'd done the anti dep earlier as they were a game changer. I still can't look at photos from the first 2 years. Sadly, (not suggesting meds are for everyone btw just what worked for me.) it gets SO MUCH EASIER. Have faith. I also think a game changer for me was having NLP therapy. I realised a huge trigger was when I felt others judgement and my people pleasing tendencies kicked in (which sounds similar to your feelings around not wanting to go out because baby kicks off.) once I stopped caring what others thought (within reason) and had a bit of self awareness that those thoughts were there it helped a lot. Even now I ask myself am I stressed because I'm wondering what others will think of my tween / me or does this really matter. Not sure if that makes sense. Basically I think a lot of people feel the way you're feeling but don't admit it. Finally the second one is nowhere near as hard. To the point where I remember thinking why did I find this first year hard at all! You're just much freer and easier with the 2nd. Everything flows and you trust your instincts and care less what people think. I feel for you tho this is a very hard time for some parents x

Do one thing at a time. This is a new chapter and you are in new territory. You will find your rhythm. No judgement here. Honestly if some friends are not prepared to make adjustments then those friends are just for a season.

I know first few months is about survival, I've been there...put a bit of music and dance around!! Do what makes you happy.
Congratulations being a mummy and lots of firsts to look forward to.

How is this helpful to the OP that is struggling with the transition to motherhood? She can't exactly magic up a time machine to go back to when she was child free.

While I have no problems whatsoever with people choosing to stay child free whatever the reason, to come home and gloat how you're "happily child-free" to a mum that is struggling is in extremely poor taste. Many of us have actually said we can still have children and still do the things we did pre-child which I think is more beneficial to the OP.

Do you have any family or support who would take your baby over night?

I struggled with this too so one of my main goals was having a confident baby that was happy being left with family so I could still have a life beyond parenting.

I think a lot of parents tie themselves to their babies and then lose themselves. I believe you can have both!

I really sympathise OP, I had a life similar to yours and found the transition to motherhood very difficult and that was with two sets of grandparents, a husband who was home at 5.30 every night and a baby that slept well.

I absolutely loathed maternity leave. I went to baby groups but it was something to pass the time and I only started to feel myself once I went back to work full time. My son is 2 now and while life will never be the same as it was before i have a semblance of it back now. I've had weekends away, been to plenty gigs, see friends during the week and have nights out. In fact I've been doing this for a long time now. Don't get me wrong I still miss my old life but it does get easier.

I know you don't have family near by but I think you need to work some plan with your husband to allow you to carve time to yourself and see friends. I say it a lot but the way we parent now is so unnatural, we simply aren't meant to be on our own, parenting by ourselves for such extended periods of time so it's no wonder, you, me and plenty of others really struggle.

Just to add I was breastfeeding too but did take the anti-depressants proscribed. I'm not sure they lifted my mood anymore than having informal accessible childcare would have done, but they didn't do any harm. The upside is that I've found every successive childhood stage much easier to cope with (even wrangling a teenager). Good luck OP, it is really hard, but this too shall pass.

I think a lot of PND is reactive depression which is perfectly justified in the situation you are in - sleep deprived, alone a lot of the time, limited support. However waiting till those things change to feel better or ask for help will just leave you feeling worse. Speak to your doctor. You can refuse ADs for now if you want (I did) - but I did get the offer of some counselling sessions and the charity that ran this even had a crèche which was almost as good as the talking itself!

It can be hard and mind numbing. I found when my first ds got to around 9 months things became more fun and interesting. I'm on leave with my second ds now, he's 7 weeks. I find a lot of the baby groups very boring. Understandably everyone just talks about their babies but it can get pretty dull.

And there are moms with perfect make-up, new clothes, clean home and meals cooked from scratch…

OP - delete social media. It's all a lie and these curated feeds that don't tell the whole truth are not a good thing to be feeding yourself digitally.

Sorry to pile on the bandwagon OP but the feelings you describe are very much symptoms of depression. Please please contact your GP in the morning. They will be able to offer you the right support, you don’t need to keep feeling like this.

Look up post natal depression. You've a textbook case. Please seek help. You're being robbed of your baby's first year and might look back and feel crap about the whole experience. Of course it's normal to feel tired and low and meh at times but not consistently like you do.

I could have written the same at that stage OP. Turned out I had PPD. Setraline was magic for me.

OP, your DC will become much better company and they all outgrow the hard drudgery stage and interact with you more. Also, if you have another you won't just have one baby DC again. You'll have 2DC.
My 2nd DC was much more bearable at the baby stage as DC1 was more interesting as she grew up and she kept me going out (groups, day trips, preschool). I found DC2 was entertained by DC1 some of the time and I didn't notice the crying/fussing so much. I think I slowed down on my expectations and life felt calmer.

I totally get where you are at @OneBusyTiger, I found the first year incredibly hard - boring/anxiety at 1000%/achingly tired - and still look back on it and shudder. I had no family or friends nearby, so no help and even now (15 years later!) if someone says they're pregnant I hope they have at least one capable family member nearby...ideally a couple of aunts, older sisters, or hands on mum (or dad). You need your village.

It will get better, your life will come back, and the new normal will emerge and might even surpass the old one in terms of joy (mine definitely has). The advice I'd give my old self, looking back, would be buy some childcare mornings during maternity leave, go back to work sooner, and work a few hours less than the childcare when back in work.

OP I felt like this when my DD was that age. I took a year’s mat leave but could have skipped back in at 9 months. I found it hard to fill the days with her and felt bored and unfulfilled. I love her to bits so felt really guilty for having these feelings. Now I’m back at work part time and she’s 13 months, I feel much better since I’ve returned to work and I genuinely enjoy every day with her. I think I’d take 9 months mat leave next time and I wouldn’t be ashamed to say why. Hang in there X

Do you have a hands on, supportive partner or any other family help/ support?

TBH, I have a 2.5 year old and my life pretty much went back to normal when she was about 3 months old (wasn't breastfeeding though, purposely because I wanted me life back) I was off on girls nights out with friends, weekends away for hen dos etc. I went back to doing my hobby twice a week and then went back to work 3 days a week when she was a year old. My friends have all been similar tbh but it's because we all have supportive, hands on partners.

I haven't had a weekend where I haven't been out socialising with friends in 2 months now.

I'm only saying all this because no, I wouldn't say how you feel is normal (though it can be!) and think perhaps you're a little depressed? It's what you make it, having a baby really doesn't mean your life is over and suddenly can't do anything else.

Things will get SO much easier the older your DC gets, but for now, I would absolutely be arranging a couple of Christmas nights out or whatever if childcare allows and go out and have some fun.