to think boarding schools are no longer ok...

Flexi boarding gives the best of both, you are at school two nights a week, get to hang with your friends and gain some independence, all prep ( homework ) is done at school, with staff you can ask Qs to if needed.
If parents need to be away or do a long day it fits and the child gets to be independent in a safe space before uni so it is not such a transition. This is usually from year 7.

Yet we have seen so many instances of children who would have been better in the care of anyone but their parents, or the mother and whoever she brings home.

I also agree that full-time nursery care seems much worse to me than boarding school at secondary age if it is the child that wants to go and is happy and thriving.

Lots of my friends with young children only see them for an hour a day in the week and the Dads often only see them at weekends as they get home after bedtime.

I agree, but I think it's very unlikely they will be banned- many rich parents are willing to pay, and our free market means there will be schools willing to provide. Legislating to try and improve parenting is a very tricky area, which in all honesty would be doomed to failure, even if tried.

That’s an aspect I hadn’t considered properly. Thank you.

@miniaturepixieonacid hah the kids know they're lucky but they've grown by the ocean and on the beach and are bored shitless by it now.
They love London and Edinburgh, farms and theatre, history, museums, walking up hills (our island is totally flat), in woods, trampoline parks, climbing walls - even double decker buses and trains are a cute novelty for them.

Very few people I knew sent their children 5 days a week.
DH and I both worked full time but compressed hours, so the children only went 3 days a week. That was pretty standard at our children's nursery. And most of the SAHMs I knew sent their children to nursery at least a couple of days a week.

Then i think of the scores of vile parents subjecting their kids to abuse at home.

The thing is, kids and teens “want to do” lots of things that aren’t necessarily in their best interests so this doesn’t really wash as a valid reason to send them away to board.

The only times boarding school is a good idea is when the home life is abusive, negligent or deeply problematic in some other way. But let’s face it, those aren’t usually the kids who get to go to boarding school.

Every adult I know who has boarded has emotional and/or attachment issues, although not all of them recognise their issues. And that’s symbolic of being sent away from your family at a pivotal point in development. As we’ve seen, emotional immaturity or difficulties are prevalent among those who went to boarding school.

I remember a thread on here about teens once, and it said that when they push you away, that’s actually when they need you the most albeit in a different way. Teens need parenting, and they need their parents. It doesn’t matter how good the teachers are and how close a bond is formed, nothing replaces a home family life. And if you’re not seeing your child most/every night, even just for a brief time, there’s just not the same familiarity, the same bond - and crucially, if there are any issues (eg/bullying, drugs etc) you might not know until the damage has been done.

Flexi boarding sounds like a fun option - no different to a sleepover with friends. But actual boarding? There is nothing that will convince me this is a healthy and beneficial option for any child or teen who comes from a reasonable home.

I’d rather be accused of being a helicopter parent than a hands-off parent who barely sees their child 🤷‍♀️ I don’t see the point in having children just to offload virtually every aspect of the parenting to a school.

And I am sorry if I sound blunt but I have people close to me who were really fucked up by boarding school so I have strong views on this.

Who would ban them though? Very often those in government have benefitted from them hugely from childhood and far into their careers, and they intend their children to get the same advantages.

My sister's DD goes to a boarding performing arts school. She is very talented and they couldn't get good enough if the right training locally. My niece absolutely loves it and begged to go even though her parents didn't want her to. My sister finds it really hard and misses her so much but they video call twice a day and it helps that my niece is genuinely so happy and doing what she loves every day.

I dropped her off the other day and got to look around a bit. The first thing that happened was my niece ran to her houseparents and they had a massive hug. She then ran up to her room and went to find all of her friends and they were all so excited to see each other after the weekend. My niece very proudly showed me around and just seemed completely in her element and says she loves every minute. She's excited to go back to school after the holidays.

Last year she had a few weeks of stomach aches. The school constantly updated my sister, asked about possible stress/anxiety causes, got her to see the GP, got her to see the counsellor in case it was anxiety related, (subtly) monitored what she was eating, gave her some mindfulness exercises/time out from school etc. My sister was really impressed. After all that it turned out she was getting her first period so nothing to do with mental health but the lengths they went to just in case was impressive!

She has an amazing, loving home life as well and knows that if she ever wants to come home then she can. It doesn't seem to have affected her relationship with her family, except maybe she appreciates them more and is really grateful for the sacrifices that they've made for her (it's not cheap). The important thing is that she is happy, she knows she is loved, she is thriving at school and knows that she can come home any time she wants.

So I would say that not all boarding schools are the same, there are some circumstances where it works, and the pastoral/wellbeing side is completely different than it used to be. In some schools anyway!

Oh me and DH both work, so I feel the same about that argument. I just can't imagine not putting them to bed, waking them up, getting them in bed with us if they're poorly. Missing out on teeth falling out, not being there if they scrape a knee at the end of the day. Loads more. I couldn't do boarding.

We've got an acquaintance who does, and her DC don't even snuggle when they're home. One cries for the school nurse when she hurts herself. My heart would absolutely fucking shatter if I heard my DC do that.

I just...can't get my head around it. It seems too much.

@SapphireSeptember

I’m on mat leave too (not my first kid) and there’s tremendous pressure both financial and social to return to work and put my tiny baby in full time childcare. It’s such a political hot potato and government are now actually paying parents - in the form of the new 30 hours a week - to leave their 9 month old babies. And I find it messed up that everyone is applauding this move even though we know there’s no benefit for kids till around 3 years and we’ve no idea of the long term implications. I wouldn’t judge anyone for choices and I’ve used nursery childcare myself and will do again. I don’t know too many parents who don’t.

Interesting though that many of the arguments on this thread against boarding school (the attachment theories and why have kids just to leave them with someone else) could just as easily be reasonably applied to parents of kids in nursery.

If you look into it, basically every UK boarding school has had allegations of physical or sexual abuse of the children - it's covered up a lot. I know family members who went to boarding school and were really badly affected by it.

Apparently there's a few actually run by paedophiles, which turns my stomach. In any scenario where you cut off vulnerable people (eg young children or the elderly) from their families and support there's a risk of abuse.

Even if they're not abused I agree that bringing kids up in institutions is never good.

However, my main concern knowing what I know would be about the safety of the kids.

Genuinely - look up well known boarding schools and you'll see allegations of abuse. I'm surprised most of them are still running

At least in part that's because to cope with the early and unpredictable acting years you need some family wealth behind you.

It’s not the same as boarding school, as they don’t feel there.

And very few nursery aged children will spend 9% of their day at nursery.

It’s a completely different type of care.

No but many are there for 90% of their waking day.

But even if asleep you are home, I know I sleep differently when I am not home even as an adult, I don't think you can discount the part of the day they are asleep as irrelevant, surely that's the most important time to be home, feeling safe.

I would like to see much closer regulation and scrutiny. I wouldn't send my own children if you paid me, but I don't think they should be abolished. A decent boarding school is probably better than an awful home life

Some parents aren't actually nice or good parents and the children may well be much happier and better off at a boarding school. It's stupid to assume a wealthy home is necessarily a happy home

I used a nanny for a bit who usually nannied for the super rich (she needed to be UK based for a while) and she said some of the children she nannied rarely saw their parents even when pre school age.

As a kid I read a lot of book series that romanticised boarding schools and I loved the idea of the friendships and extracurricular activities. I never really thought about the practicalities though.

My DH and I both boarded full-time from age 10 (back in the Dark Ages before pastoral care was invented) and in both cases our parents were living overseas in diplomatic roles. It did mean that there were things we could understand about each other which we wouldn’t speak to anyone else about.

One of the first things we agreed on was that any children we might have wouldn’t go to boarding school. Not that they have ever shown any sign of wanting to!

I mean, to be fair, if I was lucky enough to be growing up on a Caribbean island, I think I'd be pretty pissed off about being sent to board in the UK - at any age. 😂

We're a military family so they're a possibility for us (despite not being from that background) and know a few people who have used them for this reason, the whole thing seems very unnatural and abnormal to me and absolutely not a choice we have made nor ever would despite usually saying I'm not the natural maternal type compared to most mums I know, we've found a way to make military life work for us in this modern age that doesn't involve shipping the kids off, DH would leave if that was the only viable option.

As a working parent I detest the "why did you bother having kids" argument, but it's hard not to use it against those who use boarding schools, especially from a young age.

No but many are there for 90% of their waking day.

I was a boarder at age 11. I had a positive experience. There were probably around 10 girls boarding in my year. We all got on very well. It was like having a sleep over with your friends every night.

Yes sometimes I did miss my parents but they lived close enough to come and bring me home for a night if need be. Then my sisters joined me so I had family there too.

The boarding mistresses were kind and warm. They comforted us when we were poorly or homesick. As did the other girls. We developed strong bonds with each other.

I was a weekly boarder and went home at weekends which probably helped a lot.

I will say that it prepared me for uni and living away from home as a young adult much more than my peers. It was a massive shock to their system but I adapted a lot more easily. I now live several hours away from my family on my own and cope just fine with that. We have an excellent relationship though.