to think boarding schools are no longer ok...

@DeffoNeedANameChange

"If anything, boarding makes more sense now than in the past."

It's always made sense for parents who don't want to spend much time with their children and would rather them be supervised 24/7 by other adults.

My parents sent me and my siblings because they moved country every 3 years and were told it was better for us educationally to have that stability. Mum and dad both left school at 15 and took the advice of better educated peers seriously. My mum has never forgiven herself for letting us go, because she now knows that was a load of shite and we could have got a perfectly adequate education without going to boarding school.

A friend of mine, and her siblings, went to boarding school from very young. Then straight to university and then their parents bought all three houses. They had a nanny for the early years. I often wonder why they bothered - all three of them are messed up emotionally

Loved it seriously you loved being away from your parents.

your one of the rare lucky ones then as I know 40s years and older thst hated it and got abused physically and sexually and bullied daily. You can’t escape it, it’s even worse if it’s the damn teacher.

and the person that said it was Mallory Towers you need to actually read the books.

https://www.theguardian.com/education/article/2024/jul/12/ampleforth-inquiry-finds-alleged-serious-abuse-against-pupils-in-last-10-years

In 2020 the college was temporarily barred from taking on new pupils by the Department for Education, and in 2021 an Ofsted inspection rated its leadership as inadequate and reported that “some younger pupils with identified [special needs] engaged in sexual activity during the school day while not supervised sufficiently well”.

So in 2021, children in Ampleforth, one of the UK's most prestigious boarding schools were engaging in sexual activity during the school day.

When you become ill at boarding school, eg stomach bug, do you stay there or go home for a few days?

I boarded from 9-18 and loved it.
My kids both boarded 13-16 and 13-18 - both really enjoyed it.
You'll always find people with a range of experiences due to personalities and the type of school.
I now work at a school with flexi-boarding (between 1-4 nights per week) and the kids love it!

That's largely because after the 1980s benefits were much more restricted so the arts got taken over by the independently wealthy, not just acting, but music and artists too. Long gone are the days of working class people living in squats, claiming the dole for a few years and honing their craft, it's only the rich who can really afford that now.

I personally believe that most people in the boarding school system end up with attachments issues, although growing up to parents who also were intergenerational boarders probably impacts this too. I grew up in a town with 1 state secondary and about 6 large boarding schools and most of the boarders were pretty maladjusted.
Also it might have changed more recently, but bullying, abuse and sexual abuse in particular (both by pupils and teachers) were rife in the system and often accepted and encouraged via institutional traditions like fagging until at least the 90s and I expect a lot of sexual abuse and rape is still covered up to protect the reputation of the schools.

I was listening to a colleague talking about boarding school recently and how enlightened they are now, the great pastoral care etc, how they could hardly be considered boarding in the true sense because they enforce time at home now too. I think she said one weekend in 6, and all holidays?

When I asked how it worked with the students who don’t have family in the country, she told me that they’re placed with host families for their holidays. Maybe I’m over sensitive, but I just can’t see how being sent to live with strangers on breaks is in the children’s interest, or how that would constitute a break. At least if they stayed in school they’d be in familiar surroundings.

sorry op, that’s veering off topic a bit. I couldn’t imagine packing mine off when they were little. When I read Malory Towers to dd, I identified completely with Gwen’s “silly mother” in the opening chapter.

The horror stories I heard largely related to drug and alcohol abuse, very under age sex and insidious subtle but inescapable bullying to be fair. I don't recall any of them complain about their teachers.

I don't disagree with 13+ boarding.

However safeguarding worries me. How do you stop children on child abuse? I'm guessing kids aren't locked in their rooms so is there anything to stop a child or teen entering anothers room. Not all children have lovely home lives

There's lots of different types of boarding schools and reasons why a child might be in them. I attended a boarding school from the age of 10 to 13 and actually it's not something I wouldn't do with my kids if I had the money to. But the school I attended did flexi boarding. Very rarely did I stay over a weekend and when I did it was my own choice because the school was doing an activity like going camping etc, which I wanted to join in with.
Most nights I stayed would be Thursday Friday. I had a good time, was more able to focus on work as they had a dedicated homework hour supervised by staff, got to play late into the evening with all my friends in fantastic woodland... there was an outdoor swimming pool in the summer evenings.. I have some incredible memories.
HOWEVER one of my best friends there was there as her parents lived abroad and she was a full boarder. I could see that she had an incredibly difficult time emotionally. She left because she had a complete breakdown and her parents decided to school her locally in the country they lived in in the end.
That was a really relaxed very small school as well. Only 120 pupils aged 4-13. So small class sizes and quite like a big family.
It still had a very negative effect on my friend. So under no circumstances but a complete emergency would I ever fully board a child that young.
I think most boarding schools now days allow part time boarding.. which i do feel can be a great experience for kids and can help parents with childcare.
Leaving a child for months at a time at school will, in my opinion, always have a negative effect regardless of how lovely you think the school is.

"Boarding schools seem to be fair game in a way nurseries are not."

Because kids live at boarding school.

They don't live at nursery.

My siblings and I all boarded in the 1980’s. There was absolutely no pastoral care. My brothers were routinely beaten. If you didn’t cry, you would get a polo. I often reflect on how it must have affected people like our politicians.

Happiest day of my life was leaving my boarding school at 18 having been a full boarder since nine and a half (1979 - 1988). I found being away at uni easy by comparison though, so swings and roundabouts I suppose.

In those days and at my school we weren't allowed to speak to our parents for the first week to help us settle in, then we were allowed a weekly phone call and could write letters home. I think it was at least three weeks before I saw my parents again (for an exeat).

I've no personal objection to young teens who want to board being weekly boarders though.

Jo

Gosh, did she really actually say that? She must believe it as well then. You're right, that does say it all. It's generational isn't it.

I work in a lovely boarding school. It's completely unrecognisable from the sorts of stories you hear from older generations. Most of our boarders are 13+, we have a few aged 11-12, we don't have any primary aged.

The biggest difference is that our kids have a huge amount of freedom and autonomy. They can cook their own meals if they don't fancy the school supper. They're allowed into town by themselves any afternoon. They can go home/have family to visit any weekend, there's no official exeat weekends. And there's no Snape-like House Masters - the house staff have very much an Uncle/Aunt approach.

And these days most of the kids speak to their parents most days, which makes an enormous difference both to the boarding school experience, but also to the family experience. If anything, boarding makes more sense now than in the past.

I actually also kinda agree about sending young babies to nursery being bad for them - and I work full-time so not judging those that use them. But I think it must be really bad for young children - wish more people used childminders (and nannies if they can afford it). I don't think institutions are great for children in general

I went to boarding school at 11, and so did my siblings - from 11 to 17.

We were not parented at this time. The people who work in boarding schools are considered to be in loco parentis. They are not. No matter if they're nice, which many of them aren't really.

I spent most of my time at boarding school very anxious and longing for affection - of which I got none. I never told my parents this. I think loads of parents assume that if their children are struggling they'd say, but at 11 I didn't know how to describe what I was feeling, and I certainly didn't want to upset my parents when they thought I was so lucky to be there in the first place.

I would never have sent my own children to boarding school (except maybe my daughter when she was 15, an absolute PITA and I was desperate for respite, but she would have been expelled in minutes).

I completely agree with you.

I agree. Pretty much everyone I know who went to boarding school was quite messed up -.alcoholic/drug abuser/ anorexic/abusive partner. And the stories they told were pretty sobering.

I like to think schools have improved in the last decade or so...

But there have been quite a few horrifying stories of awful things happening at boarding schools even recently and it is clear there are quite a lot of deeply unhappy/scarred children at them

I now know many people who boarded, they genuinely say they loved it and most are sending / have sent some or all of their children there. Their children that I have spoken to do seem genuinely very happy.

Of the people I know who boarded I only know of 1 person who hated it, and 2 who are a bit indifferent.

I didn’t board myself but the opinions of my friends do seem genuine, they seem very happy, normal and well adjusted adults. They have good relations with their parents and siblings, and have affectionate and loving relationships with children.

I suspect it is true that it doesn’t suit all children, that’s it’s best at 13yr+ and not all schools are equal.

I was desperate to board when I was a teenager purely based on the books I'd read! I hated my school and had a difficult relationship with my mum. Boarding was my dream.

I have my own DS now and would never send him to board. I'd miss him too much!

I think from Year 9 (13, 14 ish upwards), it's fine if the DC wants to go. I think it's totally wrong any younger than that, though, especially primary aged.

I went boarding from age 7, we were ex pats living in Saudi Arabia so Mum home schooled me for a year then I went to a very small nurturing boarding school. It was a shock having to change my own bedding but I loved the feeling that holidays were special quality family time, term time was busy with school work, after school clubs, activities etc and I was busy. I pitied the day girls having to go home and be with their boring parents! I'm a well adjusted v independent married Mum of 2 kids....son went boarding & was head of house, daughter is now boarding & is Head girl and they are Happy. For everyone who hates the idea of boarding school there is someone else who thrived there. Yes I think sending young children away is harsh but perhaps girls come out of it better than boys.....has anyone studied the difference boarding has on girls v boys?