to think boarding schools are no longer ok...

My DH boarded from 8, absolutely loved it. His mum still feels guilty though (they were overseas and moved around lots).

Nursery is simply not the same. Every day a child in nursery gets to see and touch the parents. Every day they go to bed with love and get woken up the same. That is hugely different to boarding school. I agree that childminders are better though, as institutions are rarely good for children.

The argument "it's better than an unloving or abusive home" well so is removing children and having them in children's homes. Better by a mile if parents were actually willing to properly care for their own children. Fortunately, most parents are good parents.

Thanks for starting this thread @BaklavaRocks. It’s insightful to hear from people who’ve been to boarding school.

I guess those who went themselves had it normalised, so might not see it as undesirable to institutionalise children. Even teenagers IMHO, who benefit from the anchor of their family home as they move into the world of adulthood, with all the challenges that can bring. Mine have needed my love, support and guidance just as much as teens. My heart breaks for all the kids in care waiting for a foster home.

Also agree with PPs who’ve pointed out not everyone has affectionate, kind or empathetic parents. Some parents can be abusive, cold, judgemental, neglectful, overbearing or demanding. Again, sometimes due to intergenerational normalisation. But IMHO far more support should be there for parents (where appropriate) rather than the only alternative seen as institutional care of any sort.

I think boarding school can be great for teenagers in some circumstances - i was a day pupil at a school with boarders and knew many aged 11 and up who enjoyed it (mostly from military families and they enjoyed the stability and friendship opportunities boarding gave them as opposed to moving every year or so) and I have a friend I met as an adult who adored their boarding experience at a very well-known school as they had a chaotic and troubled home life. So I’m far from being anti-boarding school for teens who have the personality for it, want to do it, and/or who have a home life that makes it a preferable environment.

On the other hand, I also have a friend who was sent to boarding school age 6, full time. Their parents then moved to America. Unsurprisingly, they have serious issues as an adult. They once said to me that they were basically in an expensive form of foster care - the emotional effect was the same. This has always stuck with me as heartbreakingly true as a small child doesn’t know or care WHY they are separated from their parents - they just feel abandoned.

The first documentary made me feel sick. 8 year old girls sent away from home at the age of 8 and the solution to missing home and their Mum's was to limit contact?? And some house mistress woman saying that the school knows best (about the environment - yes, but not about those girls). Imagine putting an (undiagnosed) autistic child into that?

I'm not completely against boarding schools if it's flexi boarding (not more than 1-2 nights per week from year 7 at a minimum) or if the child wants it/they have special skills that would be better nurtured at boarding school - sports/music/performing arts and for those children who have really chaotic home lives and need stability.

But really, it's just awful. I don't also "agree" with nursery 10 hours a day for young children, but at least they have a parent putting them to bed and present if they wake up in the night, and then getting them up in the morning - I worked LTFT when mine were young and used childminders/nannies so it was just one other person they became attached to, but I have absolute sympathy with those families either single parent or where both parents have to work - it isn't easy and sometimes, they have no choice

Sorry,@allmyliesaretrue I was thinking of more roughly of about 12 mths 18 mths -2 yrs when babies may have a sleep routine.

Why comment in the first place then?!

Rubbish! How many babies sleep through? Mine certainly didn't!! My youngest still breastfed several times a night until 22 months.

An "hour before bed" - are you mad?? Mine never went to bed early!!

Trust me, it doesn't.

You may use nurseries too, but you should have confidence in your decision! I can honestly say, I never felt bad leaving any one of my three. They all bonded as much as they needed to with the caring nursery staff - yes, they weren't their parent but they became attached all the same; I occasionally meet them out even now over 17 years after my youngest child left nursery and they remember my children with great affection. I'm still FB friends with several of them.

I had to send my children aged 5 months, 7 months and 10 months. I don't think any of them has been negatively affected. Maternity leave back in the day was a mere 18 weeks. I spun mine out with sick leave because I was breastfeeding. I remember the sick lines - "general debility"!!

One of my dearest friends didn't work for 20 years after having her children. She returned to the workplace to do jobs that she was over-qualified and underpaid. Is there any difference between her children and mine? No. Is there any difference between her pension and mine. Yes. Massively.

We are very close to our children still as adults. I had a holiday at Halloween with my two eldest. I am just back from celebrating my DC2's Masters graduation with DH and DC3. I don't believe we could have been any closer as a family if I had been a SAHM!!

i don't get the impression that boarding in the year 2020 is at all comparable to boarding in 1980.

i also realize that the many dysregulated children are often dysregulated at home where siblings might live, and for those siblings living away from home might be a safer haven at a certain age (secondary school).
likewise cell phone and the ability to stay in touch with family 24/7 changes the landscape as well.
i too agree the impact on babies attachment/brain development of being cared for several hours per day out of the home will affect their growth and development.

An ex partner went to a boarding school from the age of 7. His parents were both posted to the Middle East for work and they got an allowance towards his education. They thought they were terribly fancy sending him to boarding school and thought it would be great for his future.

But he absolutely hated it, and is still haunted by his early experience - and he was a quiet northern kid from a working class background so he simply didn't fit in. He developed selective mutism. He said he used to cry all the time at films/TV shows which showed children living 'normal lives' at home with their parents.

Overnight the baby is sleeping though. Baby spends 8 a.m to 6 p.m at nursery, gets picked up by tired parent, gets home and has about a hour before bed. So it is only really the weekend where there is more parent time.

I think it's a huge difference being 11 or 7/8, which is what I'm talking about.

To be 7/8 and being sent away from your family, when you want to stay, must be awful.

As I point out in a later post, I use nurseries too @allmyliesaretrue

You’re quite right that research exists (there’s a good meta analysis on reddit) and I’m not at all comfortable sending my children away under the age of 2 based on this research. However, I am not wealthy enough to have a choice in the matter and the whole debate is hugely politicised. There’s a defensiveness around nursery use that precludes sensible debate. You’ll note that I very carefully spoke about parents rather than mums and specifically mention discussing this with my husband because he’s just as invested as me. We discuss it a lot.

Sure, I can pretend it’s ok that my nieces have breaskfast, lunch and dinner at nursery and that I feel huge financial and social pressure to put my second child into nursery when he turns 9 months old (he doesn’t even know we’re separate people yet!) but this disturbs me more than boarding school because we’re all doing it rather than a small handful of wealthy people.

ETA: I’m not going to comment on any further posts directing at me as I feel like I’m derailing a very interesting thread about boarding schools (sorry OP!) Note to self: try not to comment on the first page of a popular thread!

It is ok. The baby spends more of its time with their parents than it does in nursery, aka, morning, evening, overnight, weekends, holidays...

Ridiculous to even begin to compare!!

Me too. A loveless home is no home.

I remember this! The parents weren’t away on business - they were on a skiing holiday. And had chosen a skiing holiday over seeing their baby on her first birthday too. I’ve never forgotten it.

I tend to agree that it's not something that is very good until the teen years.

I do think it can be a good experience for teens (esp 15+) if it's a well run place and if the home life is also given serious consideration - so the children see their parents regularly, spend time at home, and have a warm relationship with them.

Not like some kids I knew in university who not only boarded but spent all summer at a camp. Usually from age 12. They all seemed messed up.

I do think there is some place to consider boarding as an option for children whose home life is bad and can't be improved. Or where there is no home. I've known of a few cases of children in fostering situations that seemed very unstable and thought those kids might be better off in a fairly stable institutional setting.

I also agree with some pp that we are a little contradictory in our thinking about boarding for young kids vs nursery type situations which involve long hours for quite young children.

Re your point about daycare, it’s not comparable. The children will still get love from the parent(s) daily (before and after nursery) and at weekends and often they’re not even attending five days per week. Whilst I agree it’s not ideal, it’s just not the same deprivation of daily love and affection as boarding school.

And yet there are so many people who have dealt with Starmer personally who will tell you that he's a really kind man. He just doesn't make a song and dance about it. This is one example - x.com/jimrobottom/status/1793727207732613549

My XDH went to boarding school from age 11, and a lot of his friends. That's not the awful experience, the awful experience is having parents who also don't give a fuck.

So, you can be a child who goes to boarding school and comes home in holidays to welcome, joy and laughter, or one who returns to indifference and can't wait for the kid to fuck off back to school.

Me personally, I'd have loved to have been sent to boarding school away from my parents who really didn't give a fuck.

That's so much bullshit about children only "see[ing] their parents at weekends"!! I don't know if you have been living under a rock, but children have been sent to childcare to enable their parents to work for several generations! I don't think it's "horrific" at all! I was quite often breastfeeding my child during the night and in the morning before they went to nursery. I collected them and was with them all evening and when they needed me during the night.

They're all in their 20s now and doing well in life. I don't think they've been negatively affected by childcare any more than I think they've been positively affected by being breastfed!

You're really not the "first generation"!! I can tell you the consequences - so far I have two degree educated DC with additional PG qualifications, who are happy, healthy, outgoing and successful in all areas of their lives. Plus a 3rd DC, same scenario, but in final year as an undergrad.

I don't know why you think this is "taboo to discuss" because it's discussed on here pretty often, let alone IRL!

Boarding schools and nurseries are not remotely comparable!

You'd "separate babies and toddlers" from their dads ok because wow, men get to go to work without having the fucking guilts piled on them!!

Yanbu. It’s awful. Poor kids need a bedtime story, a cuddle and “I love you” every night as a minimum. Why have children just to send them away for huge portions of the year? I will never understand it.

My sister works in a boarding school and some of the stories she tells are heartbreaking. Yes it's modern and not-like-that-anymore but ultimately it's foster care for rich people. The staff are lovely (like my sister) but they don't love the children, however much they might care. And the children know they're being raised by people who don't love them. That's so damaging.

I met a really withdrawn, quiet boy when I was round hers recently. Polite but very distant. I said 'Oh is he shy?' she said 'No, he's just gone in on himself. He cried himself to sleep every night for the first half term but he's stopped now, but doesn't talk as much'. I wouldn't treat a dog like that.

Another factor is that because boarding is getting less popular these days, they have more and more international boarders. English boarding school has a certain prestige to wealthy families in some countries. So now not only do you have abandoned children growing up in care, you have abandoned children growing up in care OVERSEAS so they can't even go home every few weeks like the rest, and everyone is speaking a different language to them. It's deeply traumatic for them. Can you imagine sending your child overseas to board? We're talking about kids aged 8, 9, 10... It should be illegal.