To ask why older women constantly ask if I have children, as opposed to if I have a partner?

@Lallydallydune "
Their generation mostly got married and had kids."

Which generation are you talking about?

What's your issue exactly?

Some older women are very old fashioned.

I have one very old fashioned aunty who thinks that all women should be married with children by the age of 30.

Everyone she saw me or my aunties she would ask "do you have a boyfriend yet?." And "isn't it about time to settle down now".

Their generation mostly got married and had kids.

The younger generation of women - a lot if them are choosing not to get married or have kids

@Lallydallydune "I used to just shake it off. Some older women are still very old fashioned"

Oh, for fuck's sake.....

I think they are just chatting, then perhaps worrying that they've upset you and want to offer reassurance.
Partners don't always come before children and sometimes children last longer than partners, so there's not an obvious order for asking the questions.
Must admit I think it is an insensitive question and I'm glad when acquaintances offer the information because I wouldn't ask. I don't like being asked.

Some people are fun to chat to and will talk about any topic that comes up. They will ask clunky, slightly insensitive questions and also answer them happily. I find them good company and fun conversationalists.

Other people are prickly and sensitive and very hard work to speak to because you have to tiptoe around topics that might upset them. Which is fine, but not how I would want to be.

You can choose to let things go or you can choose to overthink. I prefer to let things go.

Asking if you have a partner is asking about your personal life though?
It's abit much for a stranger/very loose acquaintance to ask.

I bristle at this, but it's usually middle aged blokes asking me 😶

Asking about children is different.

I've noticed it happens a lot less the older you get. Once you are visibly old enough to have adult children, or even grandchildren, nobody is particularly interested 😁

I think for some women this is their small talk. It's on a level with 'you into football?' for men but it can obviously be a much more sensitive subject, so it's one I tend to avoid unless it's in the right context and I'm fairly confident it's OK to ask.

Comments such as 'your time will come' are annoying but I would chalk that down to (unintentionally) bad social etiquette and move on.

I'm an older woman (55) and I have a daughter (27) whose father's had no involvement at all (his choice) and I have no partner. I would possibly ask about children if I'd just met someone IF it seemed relevant or to draw them into conversation - some people talk about children/pets/cars a lot. I no longer have a pet or a car. I might ask about work first though. It's just making conversation, honestly, and a bit more interesting than the weather or - the one that amuses me - "what was your journey like getting here?" The answers often involve junctions and roads I've never heard of.

No. It is you who is underthinking.

When I was younger, I used to feel as if everybody was asking me both of these questions. (Do you have a partner and do you have children). I have neither and I didn't want either- so as a question it did amuse me when people found it a nonstarter!

However, it really annoyed me when people tried to talk me into either. I don't understand how anyone can be so small minded that they think we've all got to be the same?

I have been meeting new people recently and I am pleased to say the question seems to have gone away. I suspect it's more to do with people realising that someone who wanted both of those things might be upset by the question? I don't know. It might also be the context in which you meet people.

It's interesting to me that you expect to be asked the question about partners first. I have encountered so many single parents, I never assume that anyone has a partner. Generally, I don't like to assume anything.

I'm baffled that posters think asking if somebody has children is in any way an appropriate question. I mean, you ask the question and the reply is "No I don't". Where do you go from that? Start talking about your own children? Move on to another subject?

Better to find that other subject in my view because more and more women are deciding not to have children and many women can't have them or are struggling to have them.

It's a shockingly rude question to ask because you either know the person (and know the answer) or you don't, in which case it's none of your business and the likelihood is that you will cause offense.

Say to them "so when are you popping another one out"?

Because…because they right wing nutters! They watch too much GB news…they’re sexist! They’re boomers! Erm

I mean I would just answer the question instead of getting offended.

But the reason it bothers me is less about “getting the order wrong” and more about the assumptions that tend to follow. It often feels like people expect a certain narrative, and when you don’t fit into it, the follow-up comments like “there’s still time” or “you’ll change your mind” can feel intrusive or dismissive

Ah, well that’s slightly different if some are making unwanted follow up comments. The question itself is fine though @ThisLoudBeaker IMO. Or maybe they’re just misreading you by thinking you’re sad you don’t have children so are trying to think of a ‘don’t worry, it’ll all turn out ok’ type comment. Like if someone asked you if you had a job and you said No, they might automatically try to say things like ‘I’m sure you’ll find one soon’, ‘the right job is out there for you’, etc.

If you actually don’t ever want children then that’s a valid answer, as is answering you’re not sure if you want them, and so on.

You are over thinking it. They are just making conversation. People like talking about their kids so it is an easy topic to chat about. You have to scratch around a bit for things to say with some people.

I think you perhaps need to prempt the response more. They are presumably trying to make small talk so shut down that line of discussion and open a different one:
Do you have children?
Oh no, visiting my nephews once a month is quite enough for me at the moment. How about you, do you have children?...

I'm in my late 50's (so not only "older" but ancient), and I've never asked anyone if they have kids. Maybe edit your title to SOME older women...or just y'know "Some women"....because believe it or not we're all different.

People will just give up talking soon. It’s too hard.

Why don't you steer the small talk into the topics you prefer then? Why don't you ask about their hobbies and interests?
People will naturally talk about the big things in their lives. Just give a short answer and divert with a more interesting fact or question. They're probably just trying to fill the awkward lull.

I have 3 kids and I wouldn't ask you that question.

I find that it's a sensitive topic for a lot of people and too personal to ask when you've just met somebody.

Blimey if someone said ‘tell me about yourself’ I would desperately be searching for something ‘worthy’ to say , like in a job interview.
I can hardly admit to a semi stranger I eat too much chocolate and think Liam Payne was an untalented junkie.

I have kids myself but find all the kids/grandkids talk really boring tbh. Often women without children are much more interesting to talk to as they don't just waffle on about their kids or grandkids all the time. I love my own but am not interested in hearing the boring talk about other peoples dc, what foods they like to eat etc, their bed time routines, which washing powder is best for their dcs skin. I find it all a huge borefest!

Well if I felt the need to ask either of those two questions I’d ask about children. I couldn’t care less if you had a partner (and where would that conversation go) but children would make for more conversation. Personally I don’t ask either of those questions anyway unless it was somehow appropriate or relevant to ask.