To ask why older women constantly ask if I have children, as opposed to if I have a partner?

I would find it a bit odd to be asked if I had a partner. I wouldn't think being asked if I had children quite as odd.

True, I guess it's just more of an opener into conversation topics than whether or not you have a partner. I would just find that quite a weird question.

Having children is not a neutral topic if you are struggling with fertility or want children but for whatever reason are not in a position to have any.

Asking if you have a partner feels much more intrusive and potentially insensitive than asking if someone has children. Having children is a neutral topic but having a partner and whether someone is single/divorced/separated is more likely not to be.

Yes, it’s the assumption that you MUST want to have children at some point. And saying “your time will come” can be incredibly insensitive and cruel to someone who is struggling with fertility and unsure whether they’ll ever have a child.

No. I said it as well!

If someone called me old I’d be fuming. If someone said people your age often say… I’d call ageism.

Honestly, your age does not mean people get to judge you.

You're talking a load of absolute rubbish.

People are always going to say that people are older or younger than them.

I'm 40. I work with a 22 year old. He says that I am older than him. Which is correct

I say that 60 year old women are older than me. Which is correct.

I don't think anyone except you have said that its ageism.

Are you feeling bad about getting older or something?

Someone could call me old , and I wouldn't give a shit!

Love people scrabbling round to justify their dismissal of older women. Of course it's ageism. Of course people feel they can say anything they like to or about older people. So depressing.

By OP's measure I'd be classed as an older woman.

I work with a younger woman who I know is a very private person. I generally either don't talk to her, talk about work, or talk about exceptionally benign topics of I find myself alone with her. We were discussing favourite foods in a group at work a few weeks ago and during that conversation because of a food she said she liked, I asked was she a vegetarian.

She replied that she was, but then very quickly said, 'That's it now! I've told you too much!! I'm a very private person and I don't talk about myself at work!!'.

I was baffled!

No you're wrong. She is allowed to talk about older women asking her questions.

A lot of us have had older women say the exact same thing to us. I have.

I would say do you have children? is more sensitive than do you have a partner/are you married?

Obviously you can take this to the nth degree, but someone could be struggling to conceive, have suffered a miscarriage, or they could want children but aren't in a relationship and are worried about running out of time.

If you're going to ask this question to someone you don't know very well you need to be mindful that a no answer could be more complicated than you realise.

Did you? Did they all say the same thing? Did you come on to mumsnet and hope people would say “ah that’s the older/younger generation for you” It’s a goady thread. It’s predictable.

Your point is completely obsolete when the op has an agenda.

It's usually just meant as an ice breaker. Then there are those whose only topic of conversation is children. I agree that it's not really a question we should be asking, I'm sure it would be terribly upsetting for some. I do think that this information usually comes out of its own accord though, we might say 'I need to pick Barry up from nursery in half an hour' or 'We often went there when the girls were little'.

Some of them want an excuse to talk about their own children.

If making conversation, do you have children? is generally safer than are you married/do you have a partner? which can be a sensitive topic. It also doesn't make assumptions about your sexuality.

I'm interested to know why the question bugs you? The question itself doesn't imply judgement, but perhaps you have your reasons for hearing it as such?

Because the 2 aren't really connected.
Lots of people have children who didn't have a partner, or no longer have one, or have one that is not related to the children. Partners come and go, children generally stick around.
In a getting to know you way asking if you have children is similar to, whereabouts do you live, do you have pets, do you have a OH etc. They are all ways to build a picture of your life and get to know you more. And should all be asked in a way that you can choose to elaborate or not as you feel inclined.
'Do you have children YET, oh never mind dear, your time will come' is totally different, its invasive, condescending and awkward (what if you don't want them or can't have them).
I'd feel the same if they asked 'do you have a partner, oh dear, well maybe oneday'. Its all in the delivery!

Easily fixed by doing a Bridget Jones impersonation and saying "God, no!".
However, if that is really your concern, why then mention that they don't ask if you have a partner. Seems like these are two entirely separate issues.

It's not generalising. She is giving facts specifically about the people who said it to her.

She didn't write anywhere that "all older women say this."

She wrote that the women who said it to her , were older than her.

Of course we can use words like "older" or "younger" to describe the people that we were talking to.

I was talking to some young people today.

Whatever! If the op generalised about any other group of people then mumsnet would go mad, report and the post would go poof!

Older women do not go about asking people if they have children and then patronise. I’ve never come across this and as a forty something have never done this. Op is desperate for people to sympathise with her. It’s sad but people need to be intelligent enough to read between the lines.

And it's not ageism. Read up on what ageism is.

Refusing to give a job to someone because they are older than another candidate is ageism.

Saying that women who are older than me, have asked me why I dont have a partner and children, is not ageism.

You do realise that the OP wrote that it's older women that have said this to her, yes?

@Lallydallydune My issue? I would have thought it was obvious. Blatant ageism. The only -ism that Mumsnet is happy with.

This really

If you have a partner could change on a daily basis once you are a mum you are always a mum . It's not a great question to ask as unfortunately some kids pass away or it could be painful for other reasons but it makes more sense to ask that than about partners who can come and go

I asked you a question first.

You answer that one first.

It was:
"What's your issue exactly?"