To hit the roof with SIL?

why would having to go to a state school, you know, like the vast majority of the population do, hurt the kids "so so much"?

Private school is for the very very well off (or those talented enough to get a scholarship), the top, what, 7%? If your brother and SIL are tens of thousands in debt they aren't in that bracket and it's ridiculous of you to subsidise them to pretend they are, when their own mother would rather go abroad to a spa than pay their fees herself.

They have to cut their coat according to their cloth, like every other household. Cutting optional luxuries isn't some sad deprivation that will ruin their lives, it's completely normal.

If they were at risk of losing their home or not being able to feed their kids then you giving them money would be kind, but school fees are not an essential - so either give the money with good grace and accept they will spend it on whatever they want, including holidays, or refuse it.

I think we’ve all known people in relationships that aren’t good for them and we just want to shake them because it’s so frustrating that they can’t see it.

But you have to just tread very carefully.

He loves her and you going against her will just make him stay with her more.

They say you should just be as supportive as you can and let them know that you are always there for them.

My sister is in a relationship with a man who is not good for her and I too want to shake her but I just have to try and bite my tongue because else she won’t confide in me or come to me when she really needs it.

The attitude of these types of spenders is, oh but these others have the money and we don’t, we need it and they don’t. It’s a different mentality. As someone who has a begging relative who has never worked and never would lower themselves to, but has spent their inheritance now, it really is true , unfortunately

op apparently has 3
and also grandchildren

Then she is either very wealthy, extremely foolish or a troll

So they have been together 17 -18 years
making him 46 and you 62?
Did you not think it would be a good idea to keep your inheritance for your retirement or for your own DC if you have any?

I thought the same. It doesn’t add up at all

Really? Pure coincidence? Forgive my scepticism.

You seem to know a lot of very personal stuff about their lives. Your 29-year-old 'virgin' BIL. Really? How soon they had sex. How is this your business? Her motives. How could you possibly know?

I'm not convinced by any of this. The only thing that is clear is that you don't like her.

Your opinion of SIL is riddled with jealousy and class snobbery. Your only concern in all of this is to make sure your very unwise loan is repaid according to the legal agreement. Stop dragging up the past and intervening in a grown man’s marriage.

If this isn't a wind up, you are mad.

You're actually prolonging the inevitable and it's costing you. This will just drag on and on until your BIL mans up and sorts himself out and ditches her. He won't whilst you bail him/them out. The DC won't suffer having to leave a fee paying school. They will suffer having to continue to live in this fascade.

Although I suspect none of this is real, I’m going to bang on about the pregnancy timeline again.
3 weeks between first sex at ‘NYE young farmers bash’ and pregnancy announcement. 21st Jan
Two months after pregnancy announcement they got married 21st March
Seven months after wedding baby was born 21st October.
That is a 9 month and 3 week pregnancy. How was the ‘ensnaring vixen’ already pregnant on NYE?

There is absolutely nothing to see here. OP has lent money with a schedule in place and payments are being met.

If she assumed BIL and SIL would be humbler or would change in any way because of her support, then she was wrong. She should have no expectations other than her money back, on time.

So what sort is f bracket is his Annual salary in?

how much do you think she is spending each month, I mean do you not think that she is rinsing him? Surely if they are paying the credit cards off, and you a monthly fee then has she took more debt out do you think?

Are you sure you know who is funding this trip?
It may be her new friend?

You don't like her, it's clear.
I'd leave it up to your brother to decide a course of action, you've already loaned the money I assume?

Your BIL isn’t exactly coming across as the decent person you think he is. Why couldn’t he remortgage? Bridging loan? Personal loan with a bank? Selling the cars/investments?

I can’t even describe how dire things would have to be to borrow a large sum of money from my siblings. The fact he even asked you says a lot about him. I would have gone down every avenue including withdrawing the kids from private school before asking my sibling for a loan. Especially as it is your inheritance! He sounds as bad as she is frankly.

BIL says he knows she spends too much but it is because she didn't have nice things growing up.

Therapy would probably have been cheaper!

I mean she's a spendthrift & he gives her free rein for a new kitchen?

How do you know he was still a virgin at 29… weird

Important not to have double standards.

Frequently, there are MN threads where women are apparently being emotionally and financially abused, and maybe can’t see they are or don’t feel strong enough to end the relationship (‘he’s the love of my life, how would I cope alone’ etc). They tend to be mainly be treated with empathy and support. They’re told they’re strong and must set boundaries.

IMHO it’s important men in a similar situation aren’t described as ‘weak’ or ‘soft’. Anyone can end up in a controlling or abusive relationship. They usually need support to see it and find the strength to address it or leave. I’m not saying this is the case for your BIL. But sounds to me he may need support to avoid being dragged into serious debt or bankruptcy in later life, and losing everything he’s worked so hard for.

Its complete nonsense is what it is. People shrewd enough to become wealthy and hold down jobs that keep spendthrift SAHMs and put kids through private schools are not typically so naive. I mean, surely every business associate would see them coming too, a fool and his money are parted in more ways than one. The OP just doesn't want to face the unpalatable truth that this 'tart' is bringing something to the table her BiL wants very much indeed. So much so he will burn through his own money and them theirs to keep her happy. And that's entirely on him.

@Getonwitit
BIL says he knows she spends too much but it is because she didn't have nice things growing up. He is so soft.

Trouble is if she keeps on spending they could lose everything and it's 10 times worse not having things when you have got used to having them

They both need to grow up

It’s 2 years for the nephew and one for the niece which is presumably why OP very, very kindly agreed - it really is very detrimental for kids to move school half way through their A levels.

BIL doesn't sound as innocent as OP makes him out to be

Wonder if your brother is also taking you for person with more money than sense.

If he is overseas working …. He can ask his employer for a loan, or just get one from a bank.

You must stop now. They are not acting broke. You will never get your money back.

You need to tell them you can no longer help. I would tell them that your own circumstances have changed. And they need to find a way to pay school fees, you just can’t. You are so sorry, but you just don’t have money (to throw away)

I'd never have lent them all that money. You'll most likely never get it back.