Page 12 | To hit the roof with SIL?

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 24/11/2024 16:06

This woman's spending is way out of control and there's no possibility that she will suddenly get it under control just because you've been kind enough to loan her money and have asked her to agree to certain conditions.
If you want to continue to support the children's education, then for goodness sake pay the fees directly yourself. Do it for them and for your BIL, not for her - it won't help her.
If you don't, the children will go to State schools and will do OK despite the disruption, though their grades may be a bit lower. But the state of their parent's marriage is more likely to impact them badly, and you can do nothing about that.

Dotto · 24/11/2024 16:06

I think it is absolutely fucking outrageous that you were asked to pay their children's school fees with your own inheritance. Totally unacceptable.

She won't change and it will take you an awfully long time to get your money back. If at all. It won't be funded by her. Under no circumstances should you be paying any more.

BIL will find divorce very expensive. Can't you see the car crash down the road?!

SmudgeButt · 24/11/2024 16:04

spending money non stop is no different than drinking, taking drugs or gambling. The individual has to want to stop before anything is done. Until that time she will continue on her merry way.

Sorry your BiL has to put up with her.

TPJB · 24/11/2024 16:03

Your BIL may be 'nice' but he is a weak fool. It is not your job to mop up his mess because he doesn't know how to control his wife's spending. Do not pay any more of the school fees. They are emotionally blackmailing you. BIL should be ashamed of begging off you.

AD1509 · 24/11/2024 16:01

You are completely facilitating her being a lazy cnt. You stop doing this immediately and then she can start to act like a somewhat competent human. Or her kids go without. But that is not your problem.

MurdoMunro · 24/11/2024 16:00

Lallydallydune · 24/11/2024 15:59

Nothing good ever starts at a young farmer's NYE bash!

This is true.

Lallydallydune · 24/11/2024 15:59

Nothing good ever starts at a young farmer's NYE bash!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 24/11/2024 15:58

I wouldn't have given her a penny but for the fact the children would have had to move school

If they continue to mess up (and it seems there's nothing to stop them) the children will have to move school anyway - unless you're prepared to continue this farce right through school and the Uni years as well?

Really, though, I'm hoping you'll say this is some sort of joke ...

coldcallerbaiter · 24/11/2024 15:56

Lallydallydune · 24/11/2024 15:53

You're saying BIL had sex with her her but it was her fault she got pregnant.

Right.....

Show quote history

She was already pregnant, the first child is not his. She rushed him in to marriage saying she was pregnant. That’s fucking fraud.

Derogations · 24/11/2024 15:54

OP, your anger at your SIL is partly misdirected at yourself for being so stupid.

Your BIL and SIL are a pair of adults, together. With joint responsibilities.

I hope you get your loan back. Don’t lend more.

Lallydallydune · 24/11/2024 15:53

Getonwitit · 24/11/2024 15:08

Lovely lovely BIL (DH brother) came to us in the summer in bits after his wife ran up huge debts and asked if we could cover his children's school fees, niece in her last year and nephew second last year. We agreed on the condition his wife stopped spending and got off her backside and finally got her first ever job.
I know i sound harsh but she is a chancer that got lucky. My poor BIL works his backside of to give her what she never grew up with and she takes him for everything.
BIL was 29 when he met her at a Young Farmers NYE bash. She had turned uninvited with a couple of girl friends and will happily tell you she was on the hunt for a rich farmers son. Although not a farmers son she made a play for my virgin BIL, they had sex that night and 3 weeks later tracked him down to say she was pregnant, at her insistence they married 2 months later as she didn't want to "show" in the wedding photo's. The family were devastated but supported their son. Seven months later she had a very healthy 9lb Daughter and within 7 weeks of having this "prem" baby she was pregnant again. The baby boy was on time and is the double of his dad who absolutely adored his children Eventually she confessed ( when drunk) what everyone knew, the little girl wasn't his. He was devastated but couldn't end the marriage and choose to raise the little girl as his daughter.
Fast forward to now and she has never worked and has been very generous at buying friends ( Jo Malone candles and Champagne birthday lunches) She can't keep friends at all.
She asked for a new kitchen whilst BIL was working overseas on a 12 month contract, he agreed a budget and she spent a fortune( 58K) the budget was nowhere near that, all went on credit cards.
What is making me rage is that the conditions of the loan is she works and doesn't spend unless it's urgent as she needs to pay us back within 5 years. What has sent me mad today is that my BIL is O/S working his arse off and i have just been sent a screen shot of her Insta account, she and 2 new friends are in Europe for a Christmas Market and Spa trip. I am furious, i want to wring her bloody neck. Why should i pay for her whilst she owes me so much money.
What do i do? refuse to pay the next installment of the school fees ( i really don't want to do that) or should i tell my BIL but really don't want to upset him. What would you do ? Would i be unreasonable to insist she gets an evening job as well as the part time one she has during the day ?

You're saying BIL had sex with her her but it was her fault she got pregnant.

Right.....

DemonicCaveMaggot · 24/11/2024 15:53

wizzywig · 24/11/2024 15:51

Why are you fixing what your bil isn't able to? Why can't he chop up her credit cards?

People can open credit cards without their spouse knowing about it. At least the BIL may have some idea of his wife's spending. If she starts hiding it that is when the trouble can really start.

WhimsicalGubbins76 · 24/11/2024 15:53

Sorry op, I’m struggling to focus on anything other than 58K ON A KITCHEN???

wtf was it made from?? Solid gold? Do unicorn tears run from the taps? Does it come equipped with a thousand pixies to clean up after her??

potatocakesinprogress · 24/11/2024 15:52

Getonwitit · 24/11/2024 15:50

You are so right and the voice of reason. I really couldn't stop the school fees as that would hurt the children so so much. I am furious with her as she signed the loan agreement and it meant my BIL had to go back overseas to work, something he hadn't wanted to do as his daughter should soon be off to Uni and he wanted time with her.
Yes my SIL is selfish and i must accept that.

Show quote history

yes you can stop the school fees, you're choosing not to. they can choose to find the money if they want to, and if they have to go to state school then so what, it's not like you're paying for life threatening medical care.

one of the children isn't even related to you. if you wouldn't pay for a random stranger to attend a private school, then don't pay this.

Lallydallydune · 24/11/2024 15:52

Getonwitit · 24/11/2024 15:08

Lovely lovely BIL (DH brother) came to us in the summer in bits after his wife ran up huge debts and asked if we could cover his children's school fees, niece in her last year and nephew second last year. We agreed on the condition his wife stopped spending and got off her backside and finally got her first ever job.
I know i sound harsh but she is a chancer that got lucky. My poor BIL works his backside of to give her what she never grew up with and she takes him for everything.
BIL was 29 when he met her at a Young Farmers NYE bash. She had turned uninvited with a couple of girl friends and will happily tell you she was on the hunt for a rich farmers son. Although not a farmers son she made a play for my virgin BIL, they had sex that night and 3 weeks later tracked him down to say she was pregnant, at her insistence they married 2 months later as she didn't want to "show" in the wedding photo's. The family were devastated but supported their son. Seven months later she had a very healthy 9lb Daughter and within 7 weeks of having this "prem" baby she was pregnant again. The baby boy was on time and is the double of his dad who absolutely adored his children Eventually she confessed ( when drunk) what everyone knew, the little girl wasn't his. He was devastated but couldn't end the marriage and choose to raise the little girl as his daughter.
Fast forward to now and she has never worked and has been very generous at buying friends ( Jo Malone candles and Champagne birthday lunches) She can't keep friends at all.
She asked for a new kitchen whilst BIL was working overseas on a 12 month contract, he agreed a budget and she spent a fortune( 58K) the budget was nowhere near that, all went on credit cards.
What is making me rage is that the conditions of the loan is she works and doesn't spend unless it's urgent as she needs to pay us back within 5 years. What has sent me mad today is that my BIL is O/S working his arse off and i have just been sent a screen shot of her Insta account, she and 2 new friends are in Europe for a Christmas Market and Spa trip. I am furious, i want to wring her bloody neck. Why should i pay for her whilst she owes me so much money.
What do i do? refuse to pay the next installment of the school fees ( i really don't want to do that) or should i tell my BIL but really don't want to upset him. What would you do ? Would i be unreasonable to insist she gets an evening job as well as the part time one she has during the day ?

He didn't have to have sex with her when he just met her. Did he.

Ohnobackagain · 24/11/2024 15:52

@Getonwitit you need to be clear with both of them that the money was sent to cover an emergency. Paying you back has to be the first priority over any further borrowing unless they are consolidating in order to pay you.

pooballs · 24/11/2024 15:52

Although not a farmers son she made a play for my virgin BIL, they had sex that night

How do you know all this 😭

Original poster

Getonwitit · 24/11/2024 15:52

Ablondiebutagoody · 24/11/2024 15:50

BIL is a mug. It's not for you to deal with his poor choices

You have hit the nail on the head.

OP posts:

NineDaysQueen · 24/11/2024 15:51

This seems a very outing post @Getonwitit

wizzywig · 24/11/2024 15:51

Why are you fixing what your bil isn't able to? Why can't he chop up her credit cards?

FuckILookLike · 24/11/2024 15:51

Getonwitit · 24/11/2024 15:44

I lent him the money, not my Husband the money was an inheritance from my Dad that my Husband insists is mine and only mine. Yes i imposed terms after all i was the one doing the lending, she agreed to both of them.
I wouldn't have given her a penny but for the fact the children would have had to move school.

Show quote history

That’s absolutely insane

Original poster

Getonwitit · 24/11/2024 15:50

C152 · 24/11/2024 15:44

I think you need to separate two different issues in your mind although, obviously, I realise they are directly linked. You love your BIL and, presumably, your neice and nephew, and you don't want any of those three to suffer. It was very generous of you to support the children by paying for their school fees, and I am sure your BIL is very, very grateful. It sounds like your SIL is fundamentally selfish and I don't think stopping financial support for school fees will make her behave differently - all it will do is punish the children. So, issue 1 is to reconcile in your mind the fact that this money is 'spent'. And it has been spent on a good cause.

Issue 2 is the selfish SIL. The fact is, you can't insist anything. She is your BIL's problem. Although there's a remote possibility a friend has treated her to the holiday, I would tell your BIL it looks like she's living it large while you are paying for his mistake. See what he says before you make a decision. Are either of them paying you back in installments? At the very least, this is what I would expect. And I would expect your BIL to be paying you back and managing his wife's unemployment himself. You shouldn't be waiting on payments from her, as you know she's unreliable.

You are so right and the voice of reason. I really couldn't stop the school fees as that would hurt the children so so much. I am furious with her as she signed the loan agreement and it meant my BIL had to go back overseas to work, something he hadn't wanted to do as his daughter should soon be off to Uni and he wanted time with her.
Yes my SIL is selfish and i must accept that.

OP posts:

Ellie1015 · 24/11/2024 15:50

It is ridiculous but as long as they are paying back the cash i would be relieved.

Sil sounds like an irresponsible nightmare. I would support bil to realise he doesnt need to put up with this but otherwise it is outwith your control.

Either way dont rock the boat and get your money back as fast as they can manage.

Ablondiebutagoody · 24/11/2024 15:50

BIL is a mug. It's not for you to deal with his poor choices

Dappy777 · 24/11/2024 15:49

You are obviously a decent person, and you lent them money because you care about your BIL. However, I agree with other posters that you were naive to do so. He has been (and is still being) a fool, and you can’t allow him to drag you down as well.

One thing I have learned in life is that people don’t change. If someone is no good, they are no good. Unfortunately, horrible, vile, toxic people, like your SIL, tend to be excellent manipulators. They are great at getting what they want and getting people to do what they want. It’s almost spooky.