To want DH to stop making these comments

Is it a mess? Are you a tidy person struggling to keep on top of a house with 2 pre school aged children and a full time job or a sahm with school aged children?
Your circumstances will make a big difference to my opinion and I am not prepared to slate your husband when you might genuinely be driving him crazy by ignoring things that need doing!

The problem you need to get to the bottom of is why is it upsetting you? Why is it an insult to you?

To be upset by it, would imply that's is your job alone, and that he is your boss.

Are those true?

Are you quite a messy person though? I used to be quite messy and leave things everywhere and not put stuff away. My dh would make comments. I'm now a lot tidier and so is the house. I didn't really realise. I also reduced having stuff. I'm not a minimalist but far better and house is a lot more relaxing.

OP we need more information. Does he tidy? Does he do half? Do you do your half? If he's doing his half and you aren't he has a point. If he expects you to do it all then you need to have a conversation about chore allocation or getting a cleaner so neither of you have to live in a pit.

Same here.
It can also depend on family circumstances, if the DH doesn’t do anything at home when OP works full time + does the majority of the house/children duties vs he works FT in a high pressure job and OP is a SAHM of children aged 8+

My ex was like this. Never lifted a fucking finger but always pointed out that ‘living room looks a mess’ ‘the hoovering needs doing’ used to drive me mad, always made me feel it was pointing out that I was some lazy person and letting everyone down. We both worked full time. (Whenever I pointed this out the reply was his job was more important than mine )

I then stopped giving a fuck and would reply with ‘is there something stopping you from operating the hoover that I need to be aware of’ I also started asking him to pick his stuff up and put it away. Apparently this then made me a ‘nag’ and he wanted to know why I was nagging him all the time and how unfair it was.

Just writing that out makes me realise how glad I am I don’t have to deal with that anymore!!

If your situation is the same as or similar to mine YADNBU. You are not the slave of the house it’s the 21st century now where shock horror men have developed limbs that allows them to operate light machinery - I.e. the hoover and dishwasher!

Grey rocking is a tactic, not a strategy. It won’t change anything. Its essentially defensive and creates more distance and degrades attachment. its good to limit conflict and is ysed to make yourself a smaller target within a situation of narcissistic abuse. But it will quickly destroy the marriage.

Can you read some books on marriage or do couples counseling? He doesn’t admit he is creating the problem or has a problem so you can’t fix it.

I think it depends on if he's saying it because he feels a bit overwhelmed by it all, or if he's saying it because he feels it's up to you to fix it.

I've said similar to my ex, never once thinking it was his fault or expecting him to do anything about it but more just looking for a bit of solidarity in him saying something like yes I know, ds is like a tornado. Or , I know but sure we'll get on top of it when ds goes to go bed or something like that. I think you need to identify which it is.

It's interesting how everyone jumps to defending the OP and assuming the husband must be the problem. For all we know, OP is a SAHM of school aged children, has a hoarding problem and doesn't lift a finger around the house. I'm not saying this actually is the case, but rather making a point that without more context, it's not fair to automatically assume the DH is in the wrong.

Why is his implication that this mess is your responsibility not his? I think the fact you’re taking it personally shows for for reason you also feel like he’s having a dig at you?

If it is all a mess tell him you both need to chip in and get it blitzed, any reason you can’t both do that today? Why do you both seem to think it something you need to sort out?

I’m going to play a little bit of devils advocate here, because whilst I agree with all the above, it also changes things slightly if you’re a SAHM.
If you work, then turn the tables, if your job is to stay home with the kids, then try and look at it through his eyes. The person who is the “breadwinner” obviously expects the home to be taken care of In their absence.

If you’re not a full time SAHM, the of course don’t try to see it through his eyes, take all the advice above 🤣

"That could have lasted longer..."

Please don't bring his sexual prowess into question 😮😂😂

If you've tried passing the problem back to him, then grey rock. Do not acknowledge his comment in any way and if you can then walk out the room every time.

So you've told him to tidy it, where the hoover is etc
You've told him it annoys you
Yet he continues to do it.

He doesn't sound like a person who respects or is concerned about your feelings if that's the case.

You can physically go and get the duster or a hoover and hand it to him and tell him to clean it up. But I'd be questioning how much he cares for you if he continues to do something you don't like.

My dh used to never put the toothpaste back in the holder, and it became a real bug bear for me. I told him and now 99% of the time he puts it away - because he doesn't want to intentionally wind me up over something he has control over.

Why is everywhere so untidy?

If you both tidied up, there would be no need for him to comment.
And yes, I do mean both of you. It isn't just your job to tidy things up.

But living in a mess would upset me.

“Why are you saying that? We’ve talked before about how it makes me feel. Tell me now, what is going through your head when you say it? What are you feeling right now? Are you feeling frustrated, overwhelmed, guilty? It feels like you are making passive aggressive criticism of me so, if it’s not that, tell me what it is.”

Its a two edged problem: that he keeps saying it and that you keep feeling bad.

He needs to stop saying it but how you stop him depends on the kind of relationship you have/whether he has any kindness or self insight or humor.

Take a good look at him? Is he repeating crap his parents said to him? Is he returning to some basic parental programming?

You notice it because it hurts your feelings (and its awful) but does he do it to hurt your feelings? Or does he do it because he is feeling bad? Its no excuse! But it may help you diminish the behavior.

More information is always better because it will give you some control over your own feelings and the situation.

If he has any sense of humor you can try to break the habit by blocking or transforming it.

Set up a “complainers fine box” and fine him half a pound or a pound for every negative comment. Spend the money in treats for you and the children—or s cleaner.

Or: get up and first thing tell him: I am doing my best today and every day. Do not criticize me or say the five negative sentences. I do not criticize you or comment on your contributions to our family. I expect you to take a deep hreath snd substitute either kind words or kind action fir negative ones. I will do the same. Instead of “the car is full of junk/house is a tip” you can say “I will help”

You can leave cleaning supplies and bags by the door or in the car and tell him to get cracking on his own cleaning schedule during the first 15 minutes when he gets home /comes in the car/ wherever.

Are those comments true?

Does he clean up, then the place reverts to...

Is he teaching the kids to pack their toys away after use, but you're more tolerant of mess?

Some people are tidier than others, and if he's making a concerted effort to maintain tidiness and you're undoing it, I can see how it bothers him.

If he just goes around yapping about the mess, but does nothing to maintain a tidy environment, then he's being unreasonable.

'Clean it then durr. It's not rocket science'

Agreeing is a useful strategy if he carries on, as it clearly signifies that you are not taking responsibility for it.

It depends why he's saying it, I say things like this sometimes when it's been me who tidied up 12 hours ago and everyone had been asleep for at least 8 since then and the house looks like something has exploded, I also say it about the car it's not me that leave coffee cups (DH) Lego and crumbs (DS) everywhere but more often than not it's me who ends up cleaning it

Make similar observations about things that he deems 'his'. Clearly there's a bit of sexism going on here, you're the woman, it's your job.

"That shelf's still broken"
"Nothing in this house works"
"That could have lasted longer..."

Grey rock.
No response at all.
It’ll really puzzle him.

My husband once said ‘the floor needs a good hoovering. I said ‘well you know where the hoover is!’ We both worked full time, I wasn’t his slave.