To want DH to stop making these comments

Yeah, I know what he’s implying - that it is OP’s responsibility- but my point is that until he says so explicitly OP can just wilfully ignore his implicit suggestion it’s her problem to solve. If he does ever say it explicitly, then they can sort it out with a row.

So, he’s one of those men who thinks that because you ‘only work three days’ that you should be responsible for the house all the time?

This would make me really angry OP

The other posters are right, I would be having an argument with him

As if you work 3 days a week AND have 2 young children AND do all the cleaning

Meanwhile he thinks it's acceptable to speak to you like that, who does he think he is?

Does he not realise if you were separated he would have to do all his own cooking and cleaning, plus he would need to look after his own children alone part time whilst you would probably have more time to yourself!! In peace without some tw*t speaking to you like this

Honestly you should roast him, you don't deserve this

Does he do anything at all?

But make time by stopping doing stuff for him - no shopping/cooking/laundry/fetching/carrying or anything else

I've added your responses below

’It’s a tip in here’ = feel free to help tidy up
’This car is like a bin’ = feel free to to help clean the car
’the Kitchen is full of junk’ = feel free to help tidy up
’theres kids toys everywhere’ = feel free to put the toys away

This kind of speech is a rhetorical device—he certainly does not mean it to mean nothing and it certainly is aimed at OP as it is not accompanied by his doing the work he thinks needs doing.

If I walk into my kitchen and say “what a tip” as I put in my apron to clean its just a statement about the world, aimed at myself. If I walk into my dh’s office and say it disparagingly or repeatedly I am implying that he needs to do something about it.

Bloody hell! I don’t know how you aren’t planning for a patio, OP. Agree with those who suggest asking the prat what he intends to do about it - or a favourite of my old mum’s ‘if you spent as much energy on dealing with it as you do moaning about it, you wouldn’t have a problem.’ Don’t get trapped into justifying or explaining other than ‘toys everywhere, dear? Well, we have two small children. Do you think that could have something to do with it?’ ‘What’s that, dear? Kitchen’s a mess? Goodness me! What a scatterbrain I am! Went and cooked dinner for everyone in it, didn’t I? Shall we just have take-aways forever instead?’

Good point.
My husband of 20 years has NEVER made comments like this.

Start replying "yes it is and it depresses me, why aren't you pulling your weight and doing your share?"

Stop making it about your feelings OP.

He thinks it’s a tip - that’s OK. Just ask what he is going to do to improve it.

You don’t need to have the same standards but you do need to be able to functionally discuss it without you getting emotional.

Instead of looking for some magic words that will make him change in to someone else, start looking in to what your life would look like without him in it.

@winterberri lots of us had advised asking him why he doesn’t tidy up the mess himself/why he doesn’t share the housework. I can’t see where you’ve acknowledged this so could you answer - have you actually pointed out to him that he could tidy up himself and needs to pull his weight around the house?

"Youre a big dtrong man, go clean it up then."

Ah - the classic pointing out / delegation of a task. Agree and note that he can sort it if it’s a concern. “It is, isn’t it? Soon gets messy. Why not give it a quick tidy?”

stop being defensive, its not your mess - its family mess and he is a big part of the family as he lives and breaths in the same household.

Get in first

you never clean up the mess in the car, the junk in the kitchen, the fridge or the bedroom. When was the last time you cooked or hoovered?

Why would that help, it doesn't solve the problem he's asking you to solve. It just looks like emotional manipulation on your part.

It needs to be an actual practical resolution, like having a big box to dump everything in, only having toys in one room/area, having rules about how many toys can be out, changing food to be less messy at times you're busy, having him be responsible for xyz task or day, paying someone else to do it, decluttering, gifting/charity shopping stuff, etc. The more you have the harder it is to keep on top of it all, even though it seems logical in theory to have more of everything.

My husband is like this sometimes. Saying "what are you going to do about it then?" doesn't work because he just wants to chuck their toys out rather than think about toy storage, and get a bin bag and put everything from the car in the trash. He'd never actually empty the car, put all the rubbish in the bin, wash and put away puddlesuits etc...

It's quite hurtful isn't it because like you I'm also doing my best. I have said he parents our babies and toddlers I'll do more tidying but he'd rather not tidy up nor parent so????

He’s not saying that explicitly, though, is he?

’It’s a tip in here’ (not ‘It’s a tip in here, why haven’t you tidied up winterberry?’)

That gives you the power to pretend it is Not Your Problem.

(Fake it till you make it if you still feel criticised.)

’This car is like a bin’
‘Yes, it is, isn’t it?’

’the Kitchen is full of junk’
’I know, right?’

’theres kids toys everywhere’
’Does my head in, I agree.’

Either he’ll have to move on to saying explicitly that it’s your responsibility - at which point have the row about exactly why that’s not the case - or he’ll give up mentioning things as it’s not a useful strategy.

Mostly he sounds like an annoying useless partner, so you have my sympathies.

Don't let these comments upset you, by making it clear that if he is aiming at you he has the wrong target. Every single time respond "Yes, why haven't you cleared it up?" or "When are you going to tidy up?". When the target becomes him I'm prepared to bet he becomes less keen to draw attention to any problems.

Exaclty there is far more context needed here

But my OH wouldnt notice if we were living knee high in dog shit, so there is that

Im more for the agreement line 'yes its awful'

Also could be a verbal tic of somesort.