To want DH to stop making these comments

You could say
You are correct, & ITS NOT OK. You haven't helped, in fact you make it worse.
So this w/e we can sort it out in turns. You take kids out, & I tidy up. & then swap.
Lock his play station away.

Come back at him with some quick response for goodness sake. It's his responsibility too you are not the maid!

I wouldn't call being a doormat and not defending yourself against attacks from the person who's meant to love you the most, a super power

You cant stop him saying it. You can stop it upsetting you. Choose to ignore it. It takes practice but when you get the hang of it its a super power.

Do not say this. By telling him its hurting your feelings you are going along with the idea that the state of the home is your responsibility, and that his criticism of your performance is hurtful. You should be aiming to break the idea that the home is an extention of you, not reinforce it. The way to do this is to completely seperate the comments from yourself. Treat them as statements neutral to you like 'it's a cold day'. Simply agree it's a mess (if it is) and make no further comment. Never explain or excuse because this is admitting its your job.

Why are you not angry at your husband when he has made you his skivvy at home when you also work full time?

Yes a lot of the responses are somewhat patronising, as you’ve said he doesn’t react to your retorts.

I think I would tell him in no uncertain terms, what you said above, that you are really struggling to ‘like’ him, and that currently he is bringing nothing to the table that is going to change that feeling either.

Tell him you are doing your effing best, raising children is hard, and you are not prepared to raise a third (adult) one!

Hire a cleaner and see how that goes (money permitting obviously) xx

How about making a list of these things he repeatedly moans about and dividing up responsibility? So you keep on top of the mess in the kitchen, he does the same with the toys at the end of each day?

My DH has been making these comments for years. I told him about 5 years ago that it bothers and upsets me, and have been asking him to stop ever since. It’s one of the reasons I’m currently leaving him, it became unbearable to live with him.

hopefully your DH will listen to you and change his behaviour before it really grinds you down

My husband does a softer version of this sometimes. Pointing out things that need to be done (but not rudely).

It is always met with a very stern suggestion from me that he deals with the issue rather than telling me about it. E.g he told me my sons football boots needed cleaning, I asked if he could hop to it then as I was busy doing xyz. Yesterday he made a comment about bedding needing changing. I suggested he could do that on his day off. It’s just reminding them that the house isn’t your sole responsibility and giving them a kick up the arse to take the initiative. God knows if I told him all the things that needed doing rather than just cracking on I’d drive him round the bend !

I was going to ask why these remarks bother you so much, but I read all your comments op and it seems your relationship is on the rocks and there’s not much you like about him.
It sounds like you’re just adding these comments to your list of reasons why you don’t like him. It’s hard to know whether he means them als criticism towards you or is simply stating a fact. Communication is key here I think, to find out why he’s saying it, to explain how it makes you feel and to find a solution. But it sounds like communication is needed anyway if your relationship is in the rocks. I’d advise you to look at the bigger picture, ie the relationship, this (what he says AND how you react) is just a symptom of a bigger problem.

Read OPs posts but not the whole thread so I don’t know if this has been suggested, how about doing exactly the same thing back to him? The second he sits down to relax you get straight in there with “it’s a tip in here”. Use his exact words at him. And do it relentlessly at him. See how he likes it.

Ah my apologies. I was using as few words as I could for speed and brevity. I'll amend.

Turns out that your husband, who I'm sure was lovely when you got married, has become an arsehole as soon as the going has got tough.

I agree.

Ime most women dont knowingly marry men who will be like this. How many times on MN do we see this? "He was great when we were first married and we did everything 50/50 but now everything seems to be my job, along with work and the kids". Personally I think its ML that does it in the case of marriages where kids come along. It makes sense for the person at home to shoulder most of the burden of chores and the WOHP gets used to not having to do anything, and the rot starts.

Saying that she married an arsehole is like saying its her fault for how he treats her because she chose to marry him! I dont like the phrase "victim blaming" as I think it is overused, but in this case its true!

You married an arsehole.

^ according to both Women's Aid and Relate this is very rare. Most people who find themselves is bad marriages married someone who turned INTO an arsehole after marriage and often kids, when suddenly there were more pressures, responsibilities and their poor coping styles really evolved/were exposed.

Relationship experts like the Gottmans can predict who will divorce can do so with a high degree of accuracy. They cannot however, predict who will be an arsehole in advance of marriage. Most women marry men who seem just as lovely as the ones who don't turn into or out to be arseholes. It is not poor choice.

Even if this were the case, continually pecking away at her like a starling after a worm is not the way to address it. Passive-aggressive behaviour should never be rewarded.

Just pretend you can't hear him. No response. Not even a flicker. He's doing it because it upsets you.

Not sure what you want people to suggest.

You married an arsehole. We're sorry about that.

The only thing you can do is carry on being unhappy and doing all the work and trying different words to make him change from being a sexist pig in to a decent human being who respects women, which he won't....or divorce him.

@winterberri you need to lose your shit at him. The DC may have to hear it, but it will be better than further years of constant passive aggression and resentment.

Have you tried counting out loud every time he does it?

"Its a tip in here" "Eleven"
"What?" "Oh I am just keeping tally of how many times you criticize me in a week and then comparing that to how many times you actually help.....so far we are on Eleven - Nil"

Dh will say "we need to sort X cupboard " my stock response now is "we do don't we!"

I would either agree or start saying "that would be great thank you!" And hand him whatever implement he needs

Is it some sort of nervous tic? My mother in law would say all of those things but she's actually talking to herself, not expecting any sort of reply.

If not then absolutely - tell him to fix the problem himself - and then just ignore any further reference to it.

Does he ever look after the children on his own for more than an hour or two? He needs to in order to understand the sheer drudgery of constantly feeding, washing, dressing and entertaining them is. That’s before you need to shop, cook, do admin and deal with any illness or educational activities.

sit him down and try a conversation along the lines of , ‘Dave we are in the trenches and this is probably the most demanding part of parenting now. It’s got to be a team effort and we both have to muck in. If you want to come home and take the kids up for bath time then I will spend an hour clearing up or we can do it another way but I cannot physically carry on and I certainly cannot be the perfect wife you seem to expect. How can we make this work better?’

Make him a part of the whole picture. And try going out for a long day a few times ( hopefully he doesn’t have his mum round the corner to dump them on).

‘Well grab the Hoover, Kenneth. Less yapping more moving. It’s not going to tidy itself now, is it?’

Apologies if this has been covered already but have you asked “why are you telling me?” Or “what are you hoping to achieve by telling me?” Would it help if you tried to force him to articulate what his intention is.?

He sounds really tiresome though OP, I hope you can resolve this because it’s this sort of passive aggressive behaviour that chips away at a relationship. Good luck!