To hate that he locks the door when we're home

I am really surprised by some of the responses. In the summer if we are at home we will have the bifold doors open to the garden. I lock the back door if I am going upstairs and double check at night. Although we have forgotten. We’ve also gone to bed with the sitting room window open as DS2 forgot to shut it.

We live in London!!

I would find it stifling too, OP. And if the weather’s good I’d want the door open, not just unlocked!

We generally lock up at night, but once someone’s left the house for the day, the door is unlocked unless we all go out. That goes for our front door too.

Are you me OP?
We have a similar setup, always use the back door, and my husband (also an anxious type) does the same, and it annoys me too.
I hate the feeling of someone else locking me in - even though logically it doesn't make any difference, as the door was locked before he went through it.

My doors are always unlocked unless I’m going out in the car somewhere and locked overnight once it gets to 11pm ish

Not incorrect. Different policies have different wording, and in this day and age it's increasingly stated that theft without forced entry is excluded. I'd advise everyone to check their policy if they aren't sure if they're covered.

We live in a low criminal area.

My cousin’s family who lived on the top floor 6th floor flat went out Christmas Eve, when they came home the place was empty of presents. No one could see into her home, yet it wasn’t hidden.

Do I feel anxious no bit then I apply reasonable security sense🤷‍♀️. And one of those reasonable things is to lock a door which is accessible to the public 🤷‍♀️

That I would have an issue with. This one doesn't make sense. You put your presents (even wrapped cardboard boxes) under the tree. Your home insurance should generally include an increase in the value of general contents by about 10% in the run up to Christmas and New Year for the very reason that you have gifts etc. in the house.
He needs to get his anxiety issues under control, sooner rather than later.

Don’t understand why he moans about the back door being unlocked if the garden is secure? My back door is constantly open in good weather. Have you told him to stop harassing you about drop off every single morning?

His anxiety is not your problem (well, it is because he’s making it so) and that needs to stop. I don’t have time to check my phone at work, let alone message back. Sounds like he needs therapy. The same message every morning would drive me nuts, as would the constant questioning of why the door is open. I can’t understand why most people have voted UR; it sounds stifling and controlling.

No.

Don’t understand why he moans about the back door being unlocked if the garden is secure? My back door is constantly open in good weather. Have you told him to stop harassing you about drop off every single morning?

His anxiety is not your problem (well, it is because he’s making it so) and that needs to stop. I don’t have time to check my phone at work, let alone message back. Sounds like he needs therapy. The same message every morning would drive me nuts, as would the constant questioning of why the door is open. I can’t understand why most people have voted UR; it sounds stifling and controlling.

I think he’s just very anxious and fearful of anything happening to any of you. That’s at the crux of all of this, he doesn’t have a buffer or trust that life can be okay and everything can be fine. Something tragic might have happened in his life ? And ruined that sense of innocence most people have where it’s hard to imagine something going wrong ?

Hes just terrified of anything happening to his family and that stems from loving you all so much and feeling a sense of protection and responsibility.

I am also anxious like this and being locked in and having someone check locks would make me feel secure, one less thing for me to check/more peace of mind.

@Isatis You don't need to ask me whether drop-off went OK. Please assume that it has gone OK unless I tell you otherwise.

Well, that's obviously flawed. I mean, if she and the kids were abducted by Martians, or she drove into a volcanic sinkhole by the Co-op, or she just, on a whim, decided to run away with the circus and take the kids with her (to train as clowns), and their arrangement was to call only if something didn't go okay, then he wouldn't find out till teatime.

Then he'd be under suspicion.

Police sergeant: So you didn't hear from your wife after what should have been the school drop-off?

Husband: No. She only calls me if there's a problem. Otherwise I just assume the drop-off has gone okay.

Police sergeant: Are you telling me that, in the absence of a call from your wife to say that everything's okay, you simply assume that it is?

Husband: Yes! I mean, I don't like it. But she says that's the way we have to do it!

Police sergeant: Oh, she says that, does she? So, it's been nine hours since the supposed school drop-off and there's no sign of your wife and children. Tell me, sir, what do you think might have happened to them?

Husband: Well, I can only assume that, on a whim, she decided to run away with a circus and take the kids with her (to train as clowns).

Police sergeant: Pathetic. ...Book him, Danno.

@LotteryFights - you wrote "I'm at home. I'm sitting 1 metre from the door. I don't need it locked." Your husband does though. Why are your requirements on having the door locked/unlocked more important than yours?

Can I ask, if you went to the loo (so you weren't 1 meter from the door) and someone entered your house from the back door, would your home insurance be invalid because the door wasn't locked?

I agree with you OP. My frilont door is locked. Back (side) door into the back garden us nit. It's open for weeks in the day time in the summer. Locked before Ed or of I go out

IMHO YANBU. Locking people in can be a form of abuse and control.

Though it sounds in your DH’s case he does it to manage his anxiety or possibly even OCD. However, if his anxiety is making you stressed or affecting day-to-day life, he should try to manage it better, with your support. For example, with the checking on how the drop off went, could you suggest switching it around, by reassuring him that you’d let you know immediately if there was any problem. With the back door, would it help if the gate onto the road is more secure?

And on the back door, do you not have it open in the summer while in the garden? What’s the difference?

It comes down to risk management. I live in a city area with high crime rates. But I don’t lock my back door if I’m in the house. It’s a terrace, so the only people who can access my backyard are neighbours I know and trust. Yes, a knife-wielding maniac could jump over several 10 foot fences and burst into my kitchen while I’m cooking. But so could a jet flying over drop from the sky.

He's anxious and he's just making sure you're safe. Not a big deal in my view.

Always locked unless in the garden sneak thieves etc.
If my husband was cosy on the settee with the grandkids I would lock the door on my way out because anyone could walk in. I'm with your oh.

if it was just him wanting the doors locked all the time I'd say I could see his point although my garden door is open right now by my choice. The HAVING to tell him the drop off was ok every day I'd find a bit annoying. Havent RTFT but I'd also caution you that people with this kind of anxiety rarely get less anxious without help. If you are feeling stifled now then its reasonable to address this with him and get him to back off a bit.

Fine to leave the back door open at any time when people are going in and out, but once they're in and staying in I'd lock it. I would however not take kindly to being interrogated about why the door is open.

Can you have a conversation with him along the lines of:

1. You don't need to ask me why the back door is open at any given time. It makes no difference to you what our reasons are. Just take it that we do have reasons, and that we will lock the door once those reasons no longer apply.

2. You don't need to ask me whether drop-off went OK. Please assume that it has gone OK unless I tell you otherwise.

All of that means that I am no longer going to respond to unnecessary questions about these things. You must get it into your head that you don't need to interrogate us, and that unless we tell you otherwise we are all safe.

…or just simply asking a question.

I hate having the back door to the garden shut in summer. For me this would need resolving.