To hate that he locks the door when we're home

When we lived in a student house, we did not lock ourselves in (but did lock when we all were out). Not once, but twice, someone let themselves into our house and stole stuff. We were each in our room and assumed it was one of our friends, not realising until the friend got home and found laptop gone. Since then, I have always locked myself into the house.

My advice to you OP (although I don't know whether I'd have the strength to take it myself in your shoes - I hope I would) would be to explain to him that you won't be accepting certain things from him anymore and that his anxiety is his to deal with.

For instance, I would say that I won't be giving him feedback on drop offs unless something important has happened and that I won't be responding to his calls to check, no matter how many times he rings.

I would say that I won't be locking th door when I go out to the garden and won't give him an explanation if he asks me about specific incidences.

Him locking you in is the one you can't do anything about so easily except asking him to stop. The others you do have some degree of control over. You don't have to answer your phone and you don't have to justify yourself like a little girl.

My justification for this is that anxious thoughts are never satisfied. If anxiety makes you check or lock the door once it will make you keep doing it again and again. Anxiety never says 'enough is enough'. It can't easily be reasoned with. But as from your description you aren't doing anything most people would consider dangerous, it is your DH's responsibility to learn to manage his anxiety better and he won't have any incentive to do this without you setting limits.

do you do a survey then?

I think this is very dependent on where you live. People don’t lock their doors when they’re in here really. @LotteryFights id just get one of those locks with a thumb scanner then it can be locked all the time but you don’t have to think about it.

Yes, it’s fine. But will you remember to lock it when you leave the room?

I always have the door locked! To me its just not worth the risk of some random trying to get in .Also I may be wrong here nut I thought Insurance company wont pay out if door left open?

I take it that you've never had a random man just walk in through your back door before then?
I used to live in what was considered a nice quiet area and always had my back door unlocked or open, until one day I walked 8nto the kitchen to find a man just walking through the door. He'd had to get through 2 gates to get to the back door. I shouted, my GSD who had been asleep on the sofa came running in and the man legged it!

I find threads like this weird. I always lock my doors. I don't know anyone who doesn't.

We always lock the doors. We were burgled in the day when I was about 8, and I have never forgotten my dad chasing him down the road. If you are upstairs, in the loo, watching tv, anyone could walk in and help themselves. Lock up.

I like to keep my doors locked too, just feels safer and takes seconds

My doors are locked when I get in the car and go somewhere. I don’t lock them any other time. My front door has been unlocked since I came home on Friday afternoon. Rural Cornwall

I would hate that. Why's he locking you in?

I would swap your front door lock to a nightlatch so you don't have to worry about it?

Maybe get a sash lock for the back door- a proper drilled one not a stuck on one. Then you can just flick it.

The idea of using a key to lock the door all the time is a bit odd to me. We only use the bottom key on the front door when we are going on holiday.

Just say ‘no’, ffs. Say no to your DH. He’s not your boss.

I think both you and your DH have valid points about whether the door should be locked or not - as responses show there are good arguments for each!

@LotteryFights I haven’t read the whole thread so apologies if this has been mentioned already but is there some way you could compromise by making your garden gate locked / more secure? Growing up, my family kept the front door locked and the back door was always open in summer so we could go in and out and keep house cool, but we had a tall garden gate which could be locked if needed (although we never did!) Wonder if that might make your DH feel more secure but means you can keep house open and feel less stifled? Also means in case of fire you can get out quickly to garden.

It also sounds like your DH could potentially benefit from some counselling for anxiety? My FiL is similar and once he is reassured his anxiety often finds something else to fixate on. He’s a wonderful person, just needs a bit more help in that regard than others.

Our front door is locked

On a hot summer day our patio doors to both the dining room and living room are open, wherever I am in the house otherwise it's stifling

If you and the kids are in and out of the garden I get why it would be annoying and I certainly wouldn't want to be explaining myself all the time.

However, a few years ago a thief followed my neighbour in after she'd unloaded the shopping from the car. Stole her purse and laptop and then ran out the kitchen through the unlocked back door. Being in the house doesn't mean you're safe.

DH never locks the patio door as he is in and out gardening, and it has created an extra job for me to check it every night before bed.

I think your husband needs help for his anxiety.
Even if you could make him stop the door locking he may well move onto something else. Only resolving the root cause will stop it.

I am a bit in between yourself and your husband. I always lock the front door or put the security chain on as our kitchen is at the back of the house and if the washing machine/radio is on I cannot hear the front so wouldn't want anybody coming in when my kids are in the front room or bedrooms. If I am in the kitchen I generally leave the back door unlocked as I am in and out to rubbish bins/ washing line etc, however if I go upstairs then I lock the back door.

DH and I always send a text or a quick email to say kids were fine and drop off and we got to work ok. Have done for years. Don't agree with the constant calling though.

What about if you go to the toilet or something ?
Have to go upstairs?
My next door neighbours cat comes in when our back door is open , could just as easily be a burglar.
I'm always lock it if I'm not in the room.
Especially if you e got small kids

I always keep the door locked. I used to live in a flat which had a security door to get into the building. I now live in a house close to the road and I still don’t like the idea that anyone could just walk off the street and into my house. Also, a few years ago I was seeing a new guy, and it was at that stage where you spend the weekends having sex. My mum has a habit of dropping round without warning and letting herself in. She unfortunately barged in on us. She is not the type of woman to respect boundaries, I’d asked her a million times to message or call before coming round but apparently I’m just being silly. So locking the door keeps her out.

I always keep the key in the lock though. I know someone who was injured in a house fire because they’d locked them self in an it took then a while to find the key.

I have one of these DHs, OP.

All I can say is that this is how he is - and this is how you are. It doesn’t sound like he’s doing it to be controlling. Just because he does it, and thinks you should do it as well, doesn’t mean you have to.

Can you bring yourself to reply “oh DH, I’m so lucky you love us so much and want to keep us safe.” Then just ignore any bollocks about keys/bins/any other nonsense.

@LotteryFights I agree with you. If your DH is going out, he should leave you to manage risk.

I think different people have different approaches to risk. Or put some risks (e.g. ‘stranger danger’) above others (e.g. road traffic accidents).

I’m always surprised how blasé people are about the risks of travelling by car. I used to drive a lot in the past. But I no longer have a car and don’t particularly enjoy being a passenger. I always feel so vulnerable, especially from other drivers. And especially on fast roads like motorways, where split second decisions in controlling speeding vehicles that weigh over a ton in some cases, can be a matter of life and death. I’ve also had friends die in road traffic accidents.

I much prefer train travel. But then my mum (who’s always driven everywhere) feels at risk when travelling by train in case she’s attacked by other passengers. Horses for courses, I guess.

My back door is never locked during the day time; I have also forgotten to lock it at night sometimes. No one died, all was well.

maybe have a chat with him around risk and the difference between what you think is an ok risk and he does. You need to talk this through, it would drive me potty as it’s quite infantilising

In our old house we had automatic door locks that locked the door after 30 seconds with a number pad to open them again. TBH there was a young man who regularly patrolled the neighbourhood trying people's house doors, car doors and going into open garages and stealing anything he could to buy drugs.

The automatic locks might set your DH's mind at rest. My DH is the opposite, he leaves doors unlocked. I won't unless I can see the door or the path to it so I know if anyone does go in who shouldn't be.

I'm at home. I'm sitting 1 metre from the door. I don't need it locked.

Our front door is automatically locked when the door is closed, a key is needed to open it from the outside.

The back door leads onto the patio and must be locked with a key from outside. It's kept locked, with a key on a short ribbon hanging on the inside so it can be unlocked from inside or outside. If I go into the garden or out the back to the garage I would leave it open then lock it when I come back in again.

Assuming you lock it overnight, do you unlock it when you come downstairs in the morning ? Or only when you need to go out?