To hate that he locks the door when we're home

YANBU. I do always lock my front door out of habit but I leave my kitchen door into the back garden open often (not unlocked, physically open), even in winter, while I’m in other rooms or the shower or whatever. I like the air to circulate it and always double check it’s locked before going to bed.

It’s hard to accommodate someone’s anxieties when they become excessive and restrictive but locking the door when you’re home is a good habit I feel. We had quite a few scenarios locally last Christmas where people walked into homes whilst people were home, and took car keys/ handbags from the hallway. Once in aware of when a teen was home alone.

I agree OP. Your husband's behaviour would make me feel stilted and watched over. Would really annoy and irritate me big time

The car is also unlocked.

I'm at home and have both front and back doors unlocked. They will stay unlocked until I go to bed.

Sometimes if I'm in the back garden I will lock the front door.

It's a small house so if I'm in the house I will hear if someone comes in.

You have to perform risk assessment. High, medium or low. If high take all precautions. If medium you may also want to take all precautions. If low, do not be influenced into paranoia by those at high risk.

Precautions can be rational or irrational. Rational precautions are common sense. There is a real risk. It makes sense.

Irrational precautions where there is no real risk or where it is rare lead to paranoia and unsubstantiated fear of the unlikely that can curtail freedoms far more than rational action to reduce risk.

I have to lock my doors at all times because of risk, I can't drive because of risk, I can't fly because of risk, I can't use pubic transport because of risk.

But I expect that there is containment. That those who lock doors at all times and don't put out presents til Christmas Eve still drive, take public transport or fly despite the risk being higher.

Just take driving. We don't have threads with cautionary tales. Or cycling. A woman with children at the same primary school as my DC was hit and killed. These risks are either less or no more random.

This is absolutely bonkers. Obviously don't have open windows in children's bedrooms but to never open windows fully?? I feel stuffy and suffocated thinking of it.

That would massively annoy me too. How secure is the gate to the alleyway? Could you compromise by increasing security on the gate, and then he could try to relax about the back door being locked while you’re in the house?

You are normal. Your husband has a problem with anxiety. Is he getting any help for his anxiety?

It sounds like he is highly anxious and prone to catastrophizing. Some therapy would probably help him to explore why he is feeling this way and help him to manage it.

We don't use our front door so that stays locked, but our side door is only locked if we both go out or when we go to bed. It would drive me nuts to have to keep locking and unlocking it every time I went in or out.

Of course I did. First of all, when it is 30 odd degrees in the summer and no one is sleeping because it's still 30 with the windows, air con means our rooms are a pleasant 20 degrees.

Second of all, it means my young kids can't climb out of the windows - obviously dangerous. And no one can break into the house through the open window, including the kids windows.

Also, if anything is stolen due to open windows it's not covered by insurance. I've known people lose their cars and all sorts that way. An open window is basically an open door.

I don't think there's anything wrong with seeing your drop off is ok. There would be loads of mums on here saying oh leaves everything to me doesn't even check.
It sounds kind.
So unless you're going to say he checks what you're spending etc he sounds like a kind man who cares about the welfare of his family.

Of course you lock external doors! I wouldn't dream of leaving them open apart from going in and out to the garden. Nothing to do with anxiety, it's a city thing.

The thought that any fucker could wander into my house while I'm naked in the shower, or asleep with my kids asleep in their rooms closer to the front door freaks me out one hell of a lot more!

You are also aware if someone opens the door and steals your car keys etc while you're upstairs your insurance won't cover you?

I didn't realise this was a thing - we never lock the door if anyone is in the house. I'd hate to think I was locked in - that would freak me right out

Our door is always locked. Whether we're home or not. We never leave the windows wider then the 'locked setting' including at night. We had air con put in for when it's hot. Basic safety both ways. Younger kids can't get out, no one can break in. Remember most are opportunistic - a quick grab of handbag and steal the car with the keys etc.

Myself and DH always message each other after drop off, especially in summer. Children die in hot cars. We also put something we need (e.g. work bag) between seats so we have to check the back.

I wouldn't consider it to be 'highly anxious' or 'infantilising'. When you leave the door unlocked any fucker can walk in. And I certainly wouldn't want someone coming in when I'm home alone with the kids!

Edit to add: we leave the key in the door if in, and we have a hook literally by the door with a spare set of keys so never need to hunt for them. And the other door when we got it replaced we got one that was key on outside but a thumb lock inside so no key needed to get out.

Doors always locked here, even the back door, we had an intruder in our childhood house once who let himself in our unlocked front door, luckily my dad was home and chased him off. I know it’s incredibly unlikely to happen again but why give any scum bag an opportunity to invade your home.

I would hate this too. My MIL did this in our house many years ago while babysitting and took the key out, we each felt equally strongly in opposing directions, she was anxious about intruders, I was anxious about getting family out in a fire.

After having someone climb over my locked gate into my back garden, in broad daylight, open the back door, take house/car keys and wallet off the side, then steal the car over night, my doors are always locked at all times.

I don't think it is OCD or controlling (why does MN always need to label people?) he just sounds like a man wanting to ensure his family are safe.

If doors are locked without the key being in the lock it is extremely dangerous incase of emergency. I have visited people and had to wait outside while they hunted for a key.

Keeping doors locked led even when you’re in makes sense to me. Colleague’s mum had her house broken into when she was putting laundry away upstairs. I think far better to keep locked wherever possible.

He sounds mentally ill. The locking the door and checking up on you and expecting a response? The presents under the tree?

I couldn’t live like this. He needs therapy.

We never lock our front or back door other than when we go to bed or are all out of the house.