To hate that he locks the door when we're home

I try to keep doors locked when I'm in after I read about Richard Chase's 'code' as a teenager but agree there is a balance.

I used to live with someone who was very anal about it- even locking windows and hiding the keys and ranting at me if I didn't put the alarm on when I did the 10 min school run. His zealousness and infantalising made me feel so stifled and want to swing every door wide open. So I do understand.

Indeed. Just 2 stories of people leaving a door unlocked routinely.

1. My grandma, who found burglars in her house 3 times. On one of these occasions, she was attacked as well as robbed.
2. Close friend's Mum and partner, both were early 50s. Lived in a farmhouse in the country, laughed at the idea they should lock their doors as "This is not that sort of area". In fact, it was the "sort of area" which burglars from other areas target, knowing that the residents assume they're safe. Four men burst in, tied them up whilst giving them a vicious beating (partly for information about the whereabouts of valuables and cash, partly because they were bastards) and robbed them. Partner ended up in hospital and was never the same again.

It's not paranoia to lock your doors. It's just sensible.

Front door always locked and so is back door unless we are in garden or in and out.

I never create an opportunity for anyone to enter my home, my kids come in from school and are in the habit of locking door straight after them.

I like to know if my family after safe after my aunt didn’t arrive home and was killed in a car accident and my partners mum was killed in hit and run so we check on each other and kids because of previous tragedies for reassurance

@HowcanIhelp123 😂 yeah I wish I was. I know what you mean though. We are in a very quiet area and rarely see a stranger in our street.

If I lived in a city or somewhere where there is a high crime rate then yes I would certainly lock the doors etc.

Yes, it's anxious behaviour but, where I used to live, a guy had burgled 84 houses, in daytime, by walking into people's houses, who left doors unlocked. These people had private gardens, too, but he'd chance his luck, and it only took him a couple of minutes to make off with stuff.
I don't think you can be too careful now.

Myself and DH always message each other after drop off, especially in summer. Children die in hot cars. We also put something we need (e.g. work bag) between seats so we have to check the back.

Just in case you forget you have a child with you? Or in case a random child sneaks into your car and takes refuge as a stowaway? Batshit.

You are absolutely normal, your husband isn’t - he’s passing his anxieties and worries on to you, if my husband questioned me like yours does he’d be told where to go.

Our back and front door are always locked unless we are in the garden. We live in a village. I would always lock doors now.

Do people usually peer through your front window? If not I think it'll be okay.
I mean there's a risk of someone breaking in and trashing the house looking for presents so I don't see the issue of putting them under the tree, although we don't usually do ours until Christmas Eve.

Ah yes that particular scenario would irritate me no end (even though I’m a door locker).

I think there’s a lot of talk about low risk but not the stakes which are quite high - his family. I think you should feel grateful to be protected and cared for.

I had no idea, but people in our small village have filmed people trying doors at night, they posted about it .

Our child thought that since we were ina dark corner, backing onto fields, burglars would never bother with us, I think the opposite is probable.

Anyway our doors are always locked, when we are home, and hopefully not home too 🤣

I always lock my door if I’m going out even if people are still in it. They have keys if they need to let themselves out. I wouldn’t keep my door unlocked, you never know who might come in.

YANBU it would drive me insane, someones watching too much tv.

We don't leave any doors unlocked unless we are literally out in the garden then coming back in. I would lock doors in this scenario too

Night latches on both doors would avoid all this hassle.

The problem is so many people are normalising his behaviour without actually seeing the problem. It isn’t about the locking of the doors because that is normal - it is his reaction and need to control and micromanage the @LotteryFights that moves this from normal to not.
Cleaning and liking a clean house is normal but there is a line that is crossed when it goes from normal to not - and the same is true for the house locking here. Where it goes from being fine to not and crosses a line.

that line is where it becomes all consuming - the need to check she is home/she has locked the door etc and telling the OP it is fine and she has to deal with it isn’t addressing the issue - because she shouldn’t have to live with his anxiety being the centre of everything, neither should his children and neither importantly should he

I read this anxiety as controlling too, particularly the follow up on school drop off- that’s not related to your home security (door locking). If there’s a connection to particular trauma in his home or safe space previously, it’s understandable and help is available, otherwise I’d be looking at our relationship as a whole.

Do you lock your car doors? Of course you do! It's not heartbreaking it's just commonsense. I prefer to ensure that random people can't just walk into my home, if the car is locked I'm not making it easy for a thief.
I don't understand why people think otherwise.
Edited to say my neighbours are nice too. That's not the problem.

@HowcanIhelp123

You sound as anxious as the OP's husband tbh. Not slagging you off, I've been there.

I don't lock my garden door if I'm in the house. It depends where you live of course, but whilst I wouldn't necessarily be upset by DH locking on his way out, I would not find it reasonable at all for him to expect to find it locked on his return and repeatedly insist on that expectation. His anxiety is making him controlling.

It's heartbreaking all those that need or feel the need to keep doors locked even when in.

I don't lock up much. Nice town, surrounded by nice neighbours.
I hate that twatty men ruin it for everyone.

I would find it really odd to live with someone who doesn’t lock the doors regularly. Unless we are actively going in and out, we lock the doors. We live in a very safe neighborhood, but why invite trouble?

I had an intruder 11 years ago and always keep the doors locked unless I'm going through them.

I’m with you, OP. Sounds like part of his anxiety. FWIW I’d hate to be a house that had been locked from the outside- if I lock the door from inside I know the key is right there, but if you’re being locked in, the key could be anywhere. Seems quite unsafe if you needed to get out in a hurry.

Having the back door to a secure garden open is completely normal.

What good is hearing someone come in? All that means is you know they're there. Doesn't stop them overpowering you, hurting you, hurting anyone else in the house. Or are you some all powerful jedi-master? 🤣