To hate that he locks the door when we're home

there is a lot of focus on the locked doors - look past that. It's the constant nagging he's doing about it. When OP is at home and he isn't she is an adult able to make her own decisions about locking the door or not. And he is being a controlling nag going on about it.

And the pestering about school drop off? I just simply would not put up with that.
His anxiety isn't OPs problem to solve.

Do a drinks table and ice cream station which I top up regularly.

Oh dear, I lock all our doors and ask dh to 'lock me in' when he's leaving. As others have said I can't imagine leaving doors ripe for the opportunists.
I also messaged oh daily to if all was ok on the journey, and traffic and got in safe. Just to know all good, not OCD or anxious

But if the kids are out in the garden then clearly someone is home. They're not going to he there without an adult inside. And someone wanting to break in isn't going to go past the kids to do it and assume the kids won't spot them.

If they're all inside however snuggled in watching tv someone may think no one is in and come through the door. Then OP is alone, potentially with kids between her and the intruder.

Depends on the house, new builds (well i say new, ours is 13 years old) you don't need a key to open from the inside, to stop the very thing you describe.

Op i think the door is fine, I'm married to a retired police inspector and he would never leave the door unlocked I assume from expeience. If the kids are playing out, does he lock them out in the garden? The texting if it's anxiety driven rather than caring is a bit ott. Perhaps give him the door locking and suggest some kind of help for the anxiety.

It’s controlling. How much you can tolerate is down to you, but if it were me, I would say,

“Husband, I will call you if there’s a problem, so if you do not hear from me please do not call. My phone will be switched off and I will put it back on again at the end of my working day. If it is a genuine emergency, and not your out of control anxiety, please call the switchboard at my workplace.”

Buy a door stop / wedge and wedge the back door open in the summer. Tell him that locking people in is a fire risk and he should get some counselling.

I always keep my door locked and I'm not an anxious person.

When people have a very high level of anxiety there is always a kernel of truth in the risks they envision—unless the worry is utterly delusional. The problem is that any one behavior isn’t the issue or on its face unreasonable. But all of the behaviors and concerns are creating a pathological scenario.

I used to never lock my door until my old upstairs neighbour was almost robbed as she bathed. If her husband hadn’t came home when he did I dread to think.

Now my door is locked as soon as we’re home!

He isn’t locking you in, because you can unlock it from the inside, so I think YABU to say that. But he shouldn’t be locking it when the kids are running in and out of the garden and you’re close by.
I’d find the daily quiz about the school run intolerable, especially as he badgers you if you don’t respond immediately. It’s either anxiety or control.

Why don’t you tell your partner that you will call if anything goes wrong with the school drop off and stop answering your phone if he does call. It would drive me nuts to be checked up on every day.

My front door is deadlocked but my back door is often unlocked during the day when I’m. In the summer it is usually open all day as I am in and out. Your partner sounds very anxious and controlling. You are an adult too and can make your own risk evaluations.

Hmm. Our front door is deadlocked so no need to lock on way out. We can double lock it but I don’t think that’s safe in case of fire as you need a key to get out. Our back door is only locked at night or when we’re out - we park at the back so constantly in and out, dog needs letting out etc. perhaps we’re slack. I actually think this sounds more like controlling behaviour, but that’s because it would drive me crackers.

Not at all. We never lock our door whether we're in the house or not. Having it locked is really inconvenient.

OH mooted putting in a ring doorbell, the neighbours house is at a right angle to us so we can only see one window and a huge hedge kicked off about lack of privacy of his home so we gave up. Another neighbour put in eight cameras came round to show us what he could see of our home. Honestly it was a bit of wall, roof, and hedges. They were aimed at his paths and doors. It made them feel safer.

The thing is our police don't generally come out to burglaries these days.

God I’d hate this too OP.

We live in a large, but rural, village, front door to the porch is always unlocked, literally nothing apart from some bags for life and wellies in that though, and then the inside front door is a Yale so always locked from the outside.

Like you, we also always use the back door which leads to the garden and then gate to path between mine and neighbours house, the back door is only ever locked at night and when we go to work if house will be empty for a prolonged time, don’t even bother for the school run (yes I know, insurance invalid etc but it’s very safe here and my choice to do this). The garden gate is generally always open, kids are in and out playing in garden and with their friends who live nearby it’d be a full time job locking and unlocking every time someone went in or out.

Both doors locked, sometimes back door is left unlocked as easier to let the cats in (no I'm not getting a bloody cat flap in a glass door they look cheap and tacky)

I think a lot just depends on how you where raised and if you’ve ever been burgled / had someone enter uninvited.

I used to be very meh, but a grandparent was robbed back door unlocked and we had a man just enter my home in the brief time my front door was unlocked.

So yes front doors are always locked and we have a mountain of cctv now because once you’ve had your space violated like that you don’t want to risk it ever again.

It’s a bit like house insurance most people won’t ever need it but when you do you thank god you had it. Locking my doors and cctv is the same as insurance it’s steps to protect.

YA absolutely not being unreasonable. It's weird and it's controlling to literally lock your partner into the house against their wishes, and to be constantly monitoring and pestering them in the way OP describes.

So many posters missing the point here, it's unreal.

You have to remember that half of Mumsnet won’t even open the front door when someone’s knocking on it 😭

It is if you have a locked gate so your garden is secure, and you’re near your DC not upstairs.

As a general rule we lock our doors unless we’re in and out of the garden. We’ve had stuff stolen from our porch so we lock the outer porch door now in daytime whereas we used to just lock it up at night.

However, the texting about the morning drop off every day would drive me mad. I’d ignore it and put the phone on silent.

@VickyEadieofThigh but then it gets into a spiral of exoecration.

Violent burglars, common thieves, rapists etc are all in the fucking wrong.
It's them. It's not women, people who haven't locked up or any other reason.

I know it doesn't help if one of these men come to your home but really the idea that's it normal to protect yourself rather than it's normal for people to behave well, is all fucked up. It's not the dark ages.

I'm not a good judge as live on a farm and have never locked our doors.
I think it your situation if it'd a quiet area and the garden is locked (so no visitors csn come to your back door?) Then I'd probably be like you and not too bothered. But I would just point out that you being close to the door isn't necessarily making it safe, are you assuming anyone breaking into your house will be sane and rational enough to just turn and leave if they see you? What are you going to do if a dangerous person walks into your house? Or someone high on drugs ?
You can't assume your house is safe just because you could SEE the home invaders, you might not be the deterrent you think you are!

A more helpful thought- exactly how secure is your garden? Could you talk to DH about it and maybe improve the garden so he feels less worried about the back door, I would definitely want to be able to pop in and out with kids without worrying someone could just hop over the fence.

And if it's violent burglars, do what?

If someone walks through it, then no it’s terrible safety wise as you’re immediately in harm’s way?!

We always lock our door when in. I forget sometimes but DH checks regularly.

In terms of checking in on drop off, that’s surely just kind and caring. I’m not overly anxious at all but do like that my husband regularly checks in so he would know quickly if something had gone wrong.