To hate that he locks the door when we're home

Being at home doesn’t prevent a potential
intruder trying your door to gain entry. I live in a flat in a small block and I ALWAYS lock myself in and put the chain on as soon as I’m home. I can’t be certain that an intruder can’t gain entry through the communal door so I want to be sure I’m totally secure in my own flat. I couldn’t relax in my living room if I knew the door was unlocked.

My ex-partner in our previous home knew I was very security conscious, and would deliberately refuse to lock the front door or use the chain even when going to bed at the top of the house. In fact, she would UNDO the chain if I put it on! She lives alone in that house now and still refuses to lock her door when at home, even at night. I think it’s reckless to neglect home security.

I don't think I would mind this, definitely wouldn't hate it.

I’ve had numerous attempts on my house, many when I’m in! They’ve even tried to crow bar the back door. I’m with your DH here as long as you have easy access to a key to get out.

As an ex police officer I am sure you know that leaving the keys in the door can help people access your house with certain types of lock.
We were burgled while I was asleep upstairs and DH was away, this was pre dog and I only realised when I woke up freezing cold and went downstairs and found the door wide open. The key was still in the lock but the door bolt thingy was sticking out.
A Police Officer visited (the good old days) and told me that there is a way of opening a lock from the outside if you leave the keys in .
They just grabbed my bag and DH's watch off the kitchen table but as I was a lone female in bed upstairs it could have been quite nasty.
Keys need to be easily accessible in case of fire but not IN the door (unless its a Yale or similar)

I believe that is one of the most said security advice around Christmas because of the burglary spikes.

Did he live somewhere bit dodgy before?

I think the door locking is not the issue. The issue is OP having to explain herself to her husband and his standards being mandatory. Myself and DH have different ideas about many things. Sometimes I insist but other times I have to take the view of 'he is a responsible parent and I trust his judgement'.

Op I think you will have to stop justifying everything and get some stock replies like "please don't ask me to explain myself again on this matter" until he gets the message. Put your phone in your drawer at work and call him back when it suits you.

Is the garden gate locked? Our back garden is secure, or as secure as it can be, so the back door and side door are usually unlocked when we’re all at home in summer because we’re in and out of the garden. We have bifolds so sometimes the whole back of the house is open all day.

I would have thought that locking the front door and garden gate would be a reasonable security measure. But it might be dependent on the neighbourhood, crime rate etc.

As to the morning safety check, would it be possible to have a conversation about how he would be the first to know if there’s a problem. (I have DH as an ICE contact on my home screen and my number is in his wallet). If he hasn’t heard he should assume all is well.

It’s very important with anxiety to consider sensibly and kindly what’s reasonable and then draw the line. There’s a point where support becomes enabling.

But there’s also a point where anxiety turned into control and that’s a form of abuse, regardless of the reasons behind it.

what happens if you don’t take his calls? Are you ever scared of him?

If your curtains will be open so people can see in then Absolutely do not put them under the tree till the last minute.

He is massively too anxious for the life you are leading and its going to either make the children anxious too or they will end up somewhat contemptuous of his eccentric quirks and weird demands.

I've just read the OP's posts and skimmed some of the others, it seems that many people feel the same as the OP's husband and I find that almost impossible to understand so I know how you feel @LotteryFights

One thing confusing me with some people's posts: when I shut my front door, it's locked. I don't have to touch it, pulling it to will close it and that's it, locked, no choice. Our 2 back doors need a key turned in them to lock them, but our garden gate is padlocked all the time. If I was downstairs in the house, one of the back doors would be unlocked all the time to let dog in and out, go to bin etc. Sounds similar to OP's set up?

Final thought, ex-H used to keep the key in the back of the front door all the time, this effectively meant if you went outside and shut the door, you'd have no way of getting back in, even if you had a key. Cost him £140 in emergency locksmith the other week. I went round to visit this week (house being sold) and he still had the key in the back of the door. Later that day during the visit I tried to let the dog out and again, he'd locked all the back doors. As Ex-H was/is controlling, I assumed it was all part of that mindset, and possibly weaponising "anxiety"?

Why wouldn't you lock your doors? Why would you risk your security and safety in this way? Which insurer do you use which allows you to keep your property unlocked and still provides cover?

Your DH's anxiety is a separate issue, although if I was with someone who had a slack attitude to risk and security, I'd probably be anxious too.

The school msg every day would really piss me off.
I'd be tempted by 'you drop them off'
Or 'going forward don't send that. IF there is a problem I am capable of letting you know '
WRT to door. He needs to know he can't police what you're doing when he's not in, nor chastise you for it. As an adult you have your own freedom to choose.
Are there other things that he feels anxious about?

No problem if keys are left in the lock inside. That's what we do.

I was going to say YABU but I dont think its that clear cut - first off, do you lock it if you went to the loo or elsewhere in the house? Im sure you dont spend all day sitting in one room?

However if I were going in and out to the garden doing jobs then no I wouldnt lock the door each time. And no i wouldnt like to be spoken down to by anyone, or for it to be assumed that I will take on someone elses anxiety behaviours.

Could you add a yale lock to the garden gate to add a bit more security? And leave a spare key on a hook by the back door so you dont have to go rummaging when dh locks you in!

Exactly this.

I know someone who was seriously sexually assaulted in her own home mid morning. They just followed her into her house because she didn’t lock the door behind her.

I will never understand why people lock the doors when all that’s in the house is “stuff”but when there are precious family members inside, they don’t bother

Surely people are more important than possessions?

My DH could never understand why I hated that he used to park his car behind mine so I couldn't get out of the drive without having to ask him to move his car (yes I could have moved it or used it, but then that creates a whole new set of fuss pot problems about moving seats and mirrors as he is a foot taller than me).
It felt like I was trapped in and couldn't be spontaneous. I had the drive widened as soon as I had the money.
I think there's something going on subconsciously and it's got far, far worse since we retired.

Edited to add, so basically I am saying I agree with you OP. It's restricting and slightly controlling.

OP isn’t locked in. She said she can easily unlock the doors herself from the inside.

We had a drunk total stranger stagger through our kitchen door when 11 year old dd was alone in the kitchen and sat at the table blathering about leaving his mobile phone here earlier. I don't know where he came from and he was obviously too drunk to recognise that he was at the wrong house. It took an age to shepherd him out of the door.

Always keep the doors locked ever since.

You should not be locked in. Safety issue. As well as respect issue.

I grew up in an Australian house where the door didn’t even have a lock. English DH husband wants to live in Fort Knox. We live close to Fort Knox, sadly.

I'm ex police, and because of that, whether l'm in or not, the doors are locked. The keys are in them, on the inside, of course, but they're locked.
The only time they're not locked is if l nip out to the car, the bin, or the garden.
I've processed too many crime reports where the doors were left unlocked.
Even if you're in the house, if the doors are open, there are opportunists. Especially at this time of year.

I live in what would be considered a very safe area. Last week, not far from us, masked men walked into a family's house at about 9.30 in the evening. The family members were manhandled into an upstairs room, while the men ransacked the house. They walked in through the unlocked front door, bold as brass. Probably tried a few other door handles before they found one that was open. DP has always insisted that our front door is locked at all times and I've always been a bit meh, nothing ever happens round here. I'm definitely a lot less casual about it now.

Now this is the line for me. It's summer and it's being used!

I think locking the door behind you is fine if it's a dreary day and you're just watching telly, but to question why it's unlocked would really irritate me after a while.

I can see why it grates on you.

I didn't use to because it's quiet round here but after a spate of robberies in the wider area the police put loads of messages on SM telling people to make sure they locked their doors if they were in. - that's the main way opportunistic burglars get in. They are usually looking for car keys and cash. In our area people were in their houses when the burglars came in.
My sister was burgled from her back garden which has no access at all except from the house- they climbed over the v high fence.

Its unlikely to happen to you but that's through chance or luck not because your house is safer than anyone else. Best practice is lock the door and take key out of the lock.