To hate that he locks the door when we're home

Having read your updates I refer back to my earlier comment about this being controlling behaviour. If my DH locked the back door while I was literally sitting there I would think he had lost it.

Sometimes it is a combination of many things for it to come too much.

I don't agree with leaving the back door unlocked. But the pushy behaviour of the husband as he locks it to show he will impose what he wants on the household (when he is going out!) is not acceptable.

Likewise, the need to text back or you will be bombarded with phone calls is unacceptable to me. If it was just to the door locking, perhaps it would be a compromise. But all together, it seems OP has valid concerns about her independence and autonomy in the relationship.

I would tackle the texting and phone calls first by telling partner you do not want this going forward and explicitly say you do not like this level of codependency and it is going to stop.

Even when it wasn't, lots of people still used seat belts!

And even now it's a legal requirement, a fair proportion of people still don't wear them or only put them on half way down the street.

See I think that is exactly where the whole risk assessment has gone wrong on this thread because it isn’t the same as a seat belt. The vast majority of us will have an incident where the seat belt is needed - even if it is making a sudden stop - a fair number of times. The number that experience people coming into their house when they are their (and this isn’t about empty house burglaries is it because it is locking when IN the house) is much lower

In my opinion it’s similar to using a seatbelt in your car.

Well no, because that is a legal reqiurement.

I live in a supposedly good area, and would never have imagined this would happen here either. It’s also happened to several neighbours (one actually had their front door kicked in when they were in asleep). I think with the police and prison cuts, col crisis things are unlikely to improve either.

In my opinion it’s similar to using a seatbelt in your car. The chances of something happening may be small, but the consequences can be terrible.

I lock all doors. Especially when I’m home alone. When we moved into our current house if the front door wasn’t locked it could just be opened by anyone. We had the adjustment made so it needs a key to open even if it isn’t locked. It isn’t technically locked it’s just latch (ie wouldn’t be covered by insurance if someone forced it) but door cant just be opened randomly. That’s ok for when we are in (we would get alerted by Ring if someone at front door) but we do all lock if everyone out. We also replaced our outdoor lights with Ring lights.

However, your DH does sound like he has a high anxiety levels on keeping his family safe. The ringing you with drop off etc is crossing the line from anxiety to controlling. Maybe just text more often to reassure him. But if it continues he could do with some help.

Sounds like he has OCD

i would unlock it as soon as he steps away. Smiling at him while you do it

Yeah that gives creepy hostage type vibes tbh

What would happen if you wrenched the keys from his hands and shouted at him to go and to leave you the fuck alone?

How would he react? Would he be shocked? Is he trying to provoke a confrontation? Is it a power struggle?

How are things generally, op? Is it just this issue or others?

I have had another read. Would it now be him deliberately upsetting you (and he knows because you have told him more than once) but now he is taking active pleasure in rubbing your face in it?

If so, umm, that’s getting pretty horrible in a relationship.

That’s gross, creepy and controlling behaviour. If he doesn’t respect your wishes, or make plans to tackle his anxiety if that’s what is driving it, plan to leave him.

@LotteryFights I have followed your thread as I am in much the same boat. Now he has moved into the realm of creepy. Now I would be thinking of my own next move.

It’s getting pretty horrible now.

If he goes for a walk, OP leaves door unlocked, someone steals the car keys near the door and makes off with his car - insurance won't cover it as door unlocked.

I HAVE NOT said that locking or unlocking the doors isn't an issue, but the mistake is hers to make as an adult.
His job isn't to scold her like a child. In her shoes i'd be doing it to annoy him.

The door locking is a distraction - his behaviour and anxiety is the issue.

ETA: if it is summer, your kids are in the garden and you are in and out hanging out washing and taking out drinks etc etc, the liklihood of an opportunist thief getting in and nicking your microwave are quite low. Never zero but so bloody low as to make it batshit to lock the door.

Also: kids in garden, door locked. Kid gets caught up in the hose and is being strangled - and you are losing seconds unlocking the door? (that will give those with anxiety something else to worry about so sorry for that but really. Some of these replies are batshit)

We are all adults and we must be allowed to manage our own risk. And for sure, in a lot of places (unfortunately) locking the door is a necessary precaution. But treating your wife like a child and nagging her because of your own anxiety? not an adult move.

It’s something they actually recommend in hot countries / America due to the fact a lot of children get forgotten in the back of the car, parent on auto pilot to work. A lot get lucky and just need treatment for heat and dehydration issues.

Others as we see online die because mum normally drops off and today was dad and he forgot, or mum was in a rush baby was asleep so silent and forgot, or the other parent loaded the child in and the driving parent forgot it was their turn to drop off.

Where as grabbing your handbag or work laptop or whatever is something that even if you forget you’ll need during the day and go back for. Where as if you’ve forgotten your kid unless daycare calls you won’t release till you go to collect your child and by then it can be far too late.

So nobody here leaves the back door unlocked/open while their kids are in the garden? Seriously? That's what it's boiling down to here. OP and the kids are in and out, but her husband wants the back door locked at all times. That's ridiculous! Maybe I should have told off my friend when I was staying there in the summer as her back door was left wide open all day for air flow.

That would drive me insane! Actually it wouldn't because I wouldn't put up with it!!

having the back door unlocked when you're in & out of the back garden is normal! Of course you and the kids are in & out and as long as the garden is secure so they can't get out into the side risd then no I wouldn't lock the back door.

when you're actually in the snug there is NO NEED to infantilise you & lock the door. FGS. It would be different if you were in a front room & he was going out the back.

my front door opens into the living area of the house and it's actually physically open from the minute I'm up until the minute I go to bed (in summer) or get too cold (in winter). I shut it when I go in the shower or when I'm spending time in one of the bedrooms, but not if I'm in & out of the other rooms.

Don't be so sure.

Have you seen any police chasing suspects?? These kids/young men go through gardens quicker than Peter Rabbit & his pals.

years ago I was looking after a child & his parents had this ridiculous system of going in one door, but out the other. Anyway I forget all the details but I couldn't unlock the front door (after going to some activity) but hoped the back door would be ok, but the gate was locked (🙄🙄) anyway, the baby was crying for his lunch, parents miles away... but this young bloke pulled up in a van & I asked if he could do me a favour & explained. He said no problem & I thought he must have a ladder/steps etc but no he just leapt at the fence, one hand on top & over (it was very hot actually. Impressive) seconds!!

<sigh> are you me @LotteryFights

ha ha ha

i live at the end of a 200M drive in the middle of chuffing nowhere, automated gates and cc-CHUFFING-tv covers the drive

The numbers of times I pop to the shops or whatever and come back and the fucking back door is locked. Does my bloody head in.

yanbu.

Have you ever tried saying you will no longer respond to his text inquiries about the school drop-off, and he must just assume it was fine unless you tell him otherwise?

I would absolutely hate this OP. How dare he make a gesture that implies he thinks you belong inside.

It isn’t and you need to push back on this - living with anxiety is hard and he will make the kids anxious and take it from me that is hard

you can live by letting anxiety and fear dictate your life, you can’t live by what might happen

@HowcanIhelp123 woth respect your anxiety levels and coping mechanisms do not sound normal