Update - where’s the new Guardian Soulmates?

What? I’m lost again. Assume what you like, I can’t stop you doing that. But your assumptions may not be correct 🤷🏻‍♂️

Well; don’t quit your job. You didn’t say anything positive about it - only about the bad behaviour of men. I suggested a different job based on that, then you tell me you love the job. So keep it 🤷🏻‍♂️

No. I don’t. That’s why I said. Obviously I can’t ask what you mean as that’s not allowed, but I don’t follow, all the same.

To assume makes an ass out of u and me, as the saying goes

Ah yes. I thought it was likely going there!

Maybe this group should not allow men to join?

Maybe you should get a different job 🤷🏻‍♂️

Oh crumbs. That sounds very annoying indeed!

I’m not sure if this is a trick question?!

If I were in that situation I think I would probably pre-empt the person asking, with a non offensive comment such as “oh hello, what’s it going to be today? An offer of a meal, or a film?”. Make a bit of a joke of it.

Assuming that all the “Thanks for asking but I am married / gay / don’t find you attractive, could you please stop asking me” approaches have been exhausted.

I suspect I know where this is going….

I’m afraid I don’t follow

And. What entitles you to ‘speak’ to me with the level of respect that you have - ie zero? From your very first post your attitude has been ‘ugh, a man’. Yes, I am a man. I am also an individual and I deserve the same level of respect as anybody else here - which means not making multiple accusations and assumptions and not posting insults.

Yes, if this conversation was taking place in a ladies’ loo - fine. Tell me to get out. I have no right to be there. This is not that place. Men and women have equal rights here.

Incidentally, I think ‘safe’ spaces for women are very important, and I am quite disturbed and confused by the potential compromise made to those spaces by trans people. But THIS is not such a space.

Yes, many more women on here. Like Pistonheads is many more men. But guess what; if a woman posts on a male dominated group asking for advice - in my experience she is treated with the same respect as the men. Probably more, due to some awareness that it’s not always easy to venture into a space where you are in some way a minority.

You are behaving exactly like you’d maybe expect and rightly criticise men for doing. “You silly girl! You can’t change a wheel! You’re not strong enough, and if you need to ask, you shouldn’t be doing it! And you women are always asking us blokes these types of questions! And, this is really a blokes group so why don’t you skip off back to the kitchen”. Only, that isn’t how most men treat women.

For fuck’s sake. I’m not ‘pushing for more female attention’.

I am (still) wanting to know what I could / should have done differently.

I’d be happy with a response from a man or woman.

To be honest, I understand the points made kindly by the other member - but I still don’t think it’s unreasonable for the people who’ve chosen to criticise to actually follow through. This is literally telling someone the are going the wrong way to the shopping centre but refusing to tell them the right way.

OR all of the people making negative comments could have simply not. Just scroll on by.

You have been obnoxious and rude in virtually all your posts, I see one has even been taken down due to breaking guidelines of the group…. If you want men to behave differently, you could’ve been proactive in doing that instead of taking your time writing obnoxious and unhelpful comments. Maybe you don’t want men to change because you then won’t be able to complain about them?

The “we want men to change but we are not going to tell them how as they need to work it out for themselves” argument is surely going to give very slow results and really defies logic.

What HAS happened is that a reasonable man (I’m not perfect but I’m not the worst!) has just been annoyed and frustrated by this whole topic. If you keep kicking a dog and telling it to ‘behave’, you really think it’s going to work? Or will the dog eventually bite you? And then you can say ‘I knew that dog was bad all along’

Oh. I meant to ask - in all seriousness, how do you think I could have reacted better to the comments made against me?

That said, I guess I shouldn’t be asking. There’s a problem here though; I get that some women may feel that men are constantly asking them things and they aren’t happy with that - but if you (women) are saying something isn’t ok, and when I (for example) ask how I can behave differently - if your response is essentially ‘I’m not telling you, because men always want all the answers from us’ - it’s…. Well, a problem? Isn’t it?

People have chosen to come on here and criticise me - I didn’t ask them to - so it seems not unreasonable that having chosen to criticise, that they then don’t want to stay to ‘help’. I mean, if I say to someone at work ‘you’re doing that task all wrong’ - and then refuse to tell them how to do it right?!? That’s daft. Or is it a case of ‘you really should know how to do that, it’s not for me to tell you, go find out’ ?! 🤷🏻‍♂️

Also (I’m not trying to contradict what you wrote, just giving some other perspectives) - the thing about men always asking women …. Maybe I’ve not really seen that? Or I’m blind to it?! I mean in my life, I feel that I ask for various advice or help from various people for various things - and I don’t think it’s related to sex? Most of my friends are women, and they will also ask me for advice or opinions or help with things. It feels pretty even; but of course I could be missing something.

Lastly; I get the issue over the word use. I have never ever called a woman ‘love’ in the way you mentioned, and that’s clearly crap. BUT we all know an older lady in a chippy shop calls everyone ‘love’ - and that’s very different. Yes, I probably have used the word ‘girl’ in the way you suggest - ‘I met a nice girl’ …. and I can see why that’s problematic. I would use it in an affectionate kind of way, but I can totally see that it could have a derogatory meaning. Female friends of mine will say though that they have ‘met a nice boy’ in a light kind of way and I don’t see any issue with that - maybe others would. Also I guess the words ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend’ are not helpful in trying to separate the use of these words?!

Maybe we need more words too? I would likely use ‘girl’ for a young woman, where if it were a man I might use ‘lad’? “The new clerk in the bank didn’t have a clue what they were doing, I felt sorry for them, it was just a young girl / young lad” …. Clearly neither scenario is referring to a child. Can we use ‘lass’ in lieu of ‘lad’? I suspect not.

I still think intention and context are relevant.

Thanks again for making those points in a kind way. (I gather there’s an issue with ‘kind’ too - but I don’t get it!)

Slightly different to telling me to F off and calling me a twat 🤷🏻‍♂️

Thanks for that, an interesting read and a pleasant change of tone.

I had to google MRA - hadn’t a clue what it was. And now I know, I can confirm I find the idea repugnant. I am not one of ‘these men’ that you speak about. I realise that may not have been clear. I am tired of having all sorts of assumptions made about me and insults levelled at me - as I am sure many of the women here are tired of being triggered by shit behaviour by men.

I think it would be a lot easier and more constructive if people could discuss these matters kindly - yes, I was defensive - but I was attacked. Which has nothing to do with sex.

The woman who has commented on your post has made so many comments, told me to F off, called me a twat etc - and others too. This kind of behaviour only makes things worse, sadly.