Daughter getting fat in school

I am hoping you are a troll that gets their jollies out of hinting at poor parenting on the internet. If so, you might want to get professional help for that.

If not, or for anyone else reading whose child has put weight on, and thinks in similar ways you need help. You daughter had a tumour removed has put weight on and your concern is that she fat. That the school should change how they work to Accomodation you wanting her to lose weight.

Not that the tumour removal might not be causing hormonal problems. Not that she actually might be struggling. Not that there’s a health issue.

You decide she couldn’t be on the pill because ‘she is not that type of girl’.

It’s all about whether you think she is fat or not.

You insist she is happy at the school but want to remove her from somewhere she is happy because you believe her to be greedy and has little self control with food. You want to remove her so you can control what she is eating. But aren’t that fussed you have very little control lots of things she does, since she doesn’t live at home. But do want to control her eating?

Unbelievably judgmental parents have a huge negative impact on their children.

For goodness sakes, stop making pathetic excuses. The daughter is away from home for the first time and is bingeing on rubbish she probably wasn't allowed at home.

Some people don’t get diagnosed with PCOS till even later, in their thirties. It causes a whole host of issues and early diagnosis is key to prevention of problems. I think 70% of cases are undiagnosed at present.

OP has posted before about her daughter's surgery. It's real.

It's not that simple when you're a teen who has had major invasive surgery that directly impacts hormones. Plus, ever heard of puberty? The average weight gain for girls in puberty is 20lb. Forcing a girl in puberty to diet and you're consigning them into a life of yo-yo weight loss and disordered eating. Leave it alone and that 20lb will even out. If more parents knew that, fewer girls would develop body issues that last their adult lives.

The fact this girl has gained double that after said surgery demands medical examination, not moral judgement. And certainly not belittling by a mother who appears to care more about how she looks than how well she is.

Eating her feelings?

I certainly hope it isn’t

Without any context of her age, BMI and height increases there is no way to know how much of an issue it is. Teens experience surges in hormones and weight gain is normal. Almost all women develop stretch marks during puberty.

She will develop an eating disorder and you will damage your relationship if you don’t do some research on how to approach this and prioritize your connection and her self-esteem. She likely already has attachment issues having been sent away from home.

That is A LOT of weight gain in 4 months. I mean a HUGE amount. Poor girl. Something is going on, whether that be comfort eating, binge eating, an eating disorder or a medical problem.

In my opinion, it may be best if she comes home for a while for you to take her to the GP, speak with her, find out what's up, and then support her through it.

The stretch mark comment is saying it all really

Does your daughter have another parent or trusted adult in her life? You are completely the wrong person to be helping her through this, you’re absolutely awful and you’re going to destroy her confidence with ‘obesity is too accepted in society’ attitude - should we ostracise fat people then? Bully them? Deport them? Burn them at the stake?

OP, even if there is an underlying cause, it is very likely you are going to be the mother of a fat person for some time, possibly for life (losing weight isn’t a maths problem, 95% of people who lose weight without medical intervention like drugs or surgery will regain the weight within 2 years, over and over and over again). You need to get really comfortable with the idea your daughter is overweight REALLY quickly, because if you don’t you’re going to ruin your ‘open and friendly’ relationship with her really, really fast.

My suggestion is you stop seeing weight gain as a moral failing and reassess your very clear distaste for large bodies. Yes there’s health implications for some fat people, but it is very possible to reside in a larger body and lead a completely successful, normal life. Unless you think your daughters only worth in life will be how she looks?

Also, teenagers have sex and need birth control (especially fat ones with judgemental mothers, they crave the validation), if you don’t want your girl to be ‘that kind of girl’ I suggest you stop judging and start supporting her.

My mum was just like you most of my teenage years, I had sooooo many secrets from her as a result. Your attitude won’t make her thinner, it will make her sneakier and less likely to engage with any help you try to provide, however well meant. It turned out I had PCOS that went undiagnosed until I was 23 because mum thought my weight was my fault. In reality, I hit puberty and my hormones went absolutely haywire but because she had the same attitude to fat people that you do, it was completely missed until it was far too late. I now have my PCOS mostly under control, but it meant 10 years of fertility problems for me which could have been minimised had I been diagnosed and treated as a teen.

You will lose her, OP if you prioritise your piety over fat people above her well-being.

It IS that simple. Eat better and less and do more.

As usual OP not giving all relevant details for MN to make any sort of valid response.

Answer the bloody questions OP.

I cannot find her age?

It could be hormones. I remember my mum taking me to the drs and having tests for weight gain in my early teens. I lived at home and there was no change of diet or increased access to treats. Still
played the same sports. It was just the way it was.

I stabilised at a certain weight and have stayed that way for over 20 years including having children with no loss or gain of any noticeable amount at any time.

The amount of focus on it at the time means it took me YEARS to accept and be ok with my body. It could be medical and things need to be ruled out but she could just be built that way.

Have the award for the most stupid reply.

Weight gain is NOT as simple as self control FFS. There will be a much more complex story here.

Do they feed puddings everyday? What edibles does she have access to in the kitchen?

I'm pretty sure if my daughter had had a tumour removed and then gained 3+ stone in as many months I'd be battering down the door to her specialist's clinic, not calling her fat, being offended by her stretch marks and blaming the boarding school I'd sent her to for making food available to students.

The fact you haven't confirmed otherwise makes me think that you've told your daughter she is getting fat. I went from a size 8 to a size 12 at age 16. A few 'well-meaning' adults including my own mother told me I was getting fat. Cue the start of a 6 year long eating disorder to 'show them'. It ruined my young adulthood years. It's behind me now but I really do cringe when I see this kind of stuff.

OP, ignore the rafter ridiculous comments. Please bring your child home to see your GP.

Careful there before someone accuses you of being derogatory 🙄 Fat is fat, btw but they wonder how we all ended up here as a country. You can’t even say fat. Soon enough, you’d be banned from saying “yes”. Ridiculous

School is hard for many children. Boarding school is just a different way of being educated really. I would definitely get a second opinion. Talk to her and make sure she's not worried about something. Do not mention her weight though.good luck

OP, you are going to have to start treating your child as a human being with feelings. You’ve obviously not done so until now if you were happy to send her away when she was under ten, and again after having serious surgery, and nowhere on this thread have you shown a shred of concern for her feelings, or her as a person, beyond a bold assertion that she is happy. Please explore possible physical issues, but also start considering there may be a psychological reason. You sound like my grandmother and other relatives, who ruined my father’s life in the same way. Her reward was never to see him, her wonderful daughter in law or her grandchildren. Be very careful, or your daughter will solve for you the issue of your having to be offended by how fat she is as soon as she is old enough.

Eh?

And FWIW if someone gains 22 kg in such a short span I would expect a medical reason. In the USA they call it the "freshman 15" when students go off to catered halls. They don't gain over 3x that before the first term is out.

Your concerns are in the wrong place.

3.5 stone in 4 months is a medical emergency. Call the department which handled your daughter’s tumour removal. Something is up.