Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H in A&E 300 miles away

228 replies

RainbowLife · 24/11/2024 06:18

There is an AIBU here, hopefully I'll find out what it is before the end of this post.

H went away 2 weeks ago to 'visit his DSis and DBro for a pre Xmas meal' but in fact to have a quiet drink and other secretive behaviour. He's an alcoholic, a catastrophic relapse inevitably followed, I couldn't allow him to come home (10yo with SEN- safeguarding).

H was taken to A&E by ambulance last night. 300 miles away.

We only rekindled our relationship very recently and married less than a year ago. He was sober when we married, appeared to be happy and doing well. I didn't see this coming (although I knew when we married there was no guarantee he would never drink again).

H may or may not be admitted. If not, as he can't return to where has been staying there is no obvious place for him to go or way to get there. H is a vulnerable adult even if sober. In his 60s multiple health problems, ASD, diabetes.

If he's kept in hospital there's longer to figure out what to do. If hospital says they will discharge should I

  • drive 7hrs there to collect H and take him to eg travelodge near the recovery service he's in contact with (their idea pre ambulance event, he's asked for help accessing detox and has a caseworker, if he was local but not in the family home they can supoort him more effectively). This would mean leaving DS with family locally for a coupke of days.
Or - book him a taxi to the nearest Travelodge and try and collect him or arrange transport on Monday. Or
  • something else.
His Dsis and DBro don't know about the relapse and can't/won't help (BIL elderly + DSIL a carer) so I'm inclined not to involve them but let H decide whether or when to make contact. They are not local to where he is is currently but about 250 miles nearer than me! AIBU?

IABU = you are an idiot, run for the hills
IANBU = he is an idiot, but you should probably get him to the recovery service if it's doable.

PS I have a very low income at the moment as 10yo DS is very part time at school awaiting urgent EHCP review/change of placement so I can only work very part time. I have savings. H has no income and has blown his pension pot, currently maxing out a new credit card...

Yes, the 'marriage' is essentially over.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
pikkumyy77 · 25/02/2025 12:53

Somewhat out of left field—sorry for the americanism—there is sn absurdly funny show on Netflix called “Murder Mindfully” or Mindful Murder. Its a german show about a gang lawyer who takes mindfulness lessons and applies his new zen self to his problem with the gangs. I think it is one of the best applications of how we practice mindful living I’ve seen. His focus goes from eternally arguing in his head with everyone to truly being able to be present in his own life and with his family. Its also very, very, funny.

Ofalltheginjoints · 25/02/2025 11:56

Hi OP I know you're accessing Al Anon family support but wanted to say that Adfam also offer support nationwide and can offer zoom or phone support.

Your local substance misuse service might also have a family team who could provide support to you and your son even though your husband is accessing treatment elsewhere, not every service has one but it's worth checking out

Climpy · 25/02/2025 10:23

I'm new to the thread but OP, you come across with so much grace, strength and kindness. What an incredible combination.

This is an extremely complex situation, both practically and emotionally. I do wonder if a more experienced counsellor would be more helpful and (baldly) better value for your money and time.

EHCP review is vital but there is only so much you can do to prepare. You are 100% the expert on DS. Use MN to help. There are loads of SEN threads and knowledgeable SEN parents on here to advise. Specialist vs MS education for children with SEN is a common theme.

Having a child out of school is relentless, especially as a single parent. You go through the anxiety with them, your own nervous system is overstimulated like theirs is. Would you consider asking your daughter to take DS for a night again just to give you a mental break?

Original poster
RainbowLife · 25/02/2025 09:24

Thank you @Ankleblisters and @NotbloodyGivingupYet that is so helpful. I am going to plan a polytunnel which in reality might be a plastic greenhouse... tomatoes, cucamelons, nasturtium and coriander.
As it happens I turned the heel on a sock yesterday 🧶

OP posts:
NotbloodyGivingupYet · 25/02/2025 07:58

It's so hard to break out of those replays when you are not well enough to distract yourself by doing something practical.
Tricks I've used in the past include redesigning my kitchen (only in my head when I can't sleep, it'll never actually happen).
Planning what fruit and veg I'm going to grow. (Some of this will actually happen, and sowing seeds is one of those soothing activities that stops my mind whirring).
I also find I can't think about anything much when I'm drawing or knitting something. Counting stitches uses all my headspace.
Sending hugs x

Ankleblisters · 25/02/2025 07:08

Thinking of you and sending you strength and love OP. Be really gentle with yourself xxx

Original poster
RainbowLife · 25/02/2025 05:54

I have come back to remind myself of where I was a few weeks ago and reread some kind and helpful words. I'm so grateful to everyone who has posted here.
A nasty flu bug has been doing the rounds and to no one at all's surprise it hit me very hard. My GP has been amazing. I'm recovering very slowly, still only at about 25% functioning.
Like it or not, being so ill, and having to stop my usual activities, has made space for a lot of feelings to surface.
I've felt a lot of grief and upsetting scenes have been replaying in my head in an unhelpful cycle of emotional pain. I have started counselling with a trainee. I think I might need to look for an experienced therapist before too long. Or a wise friend who's prepared to be regularly buttonholed.

There's a lot of complicated financial and practical mess. It's urgent and important but even more so is DS's EHCP review.

Thank God for Al-anon Family Groups, Mumsnet and all the kind good people in my world.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainbowLife · 07/02/2025 08:43

Yes

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 07/02/2025 08:37

Just remember that there are things you have to do, things that you can do and things that, no matter how much you want to do, you just can’t do.

The things that you can’t do, for various reasons, are the ones that prey on your mind. These are the times when you need to find acceptance within yourself and that’s hard.

Sending hugs.

Original poster
RainbowLife · 07/02/2025 08:29

Thank you. I'm a little tearful in a sad but peaceful way.

OP posts:
Ankleblisters · 07/02/2025 07:31

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I don't have any deep wisdom to share but just wanted you to know that you're being heard here and that you are in my thoughts.
Remember, this will pass. Things won't feel as raw and unbearable as they do now forever. Give yourself time and be as gentle with yourself as possible.
And remember you are doing all the right things for all the right reasons. You are strong and wise and everyone here supports you.
And remember that spring is coming💐

Original poster
RainbowLife · 07/02/2025 07:18

It's helpful to come back here and reread kind words.

I am having a hard time functioning 'normally' alongside waves of grief and loss. I have deep feelings of betrayal and I don't know how to make sense of the life I have lived.

My perspective on my son's relationship with his Dad has changed enormously too.

Somehow I have to find the strength and capacity to deal with a whole load of practical things or I'll be in a real financial mess. I just want to run away though. I know I can't but I want to go and hide and lick my wounds.

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 02/02/2025 13:59

She’s lashing out and because you have decided to follow a new path, which you very much needed to, she needs someone to vent pity and so you are getting it.
Don’t ever tolerate her speaking to you like that again. You have already done your best and more than enough.
Glad you could talk to your friend at church. Hope it brought a bit of peace today.

pikkumyy77 · 02/02/2025 13:58

Outsiders and other family all want you to miraculously save the person from their demons and their addiction. If it were so simple it would already be done. They would have done it themselves.

They hammer at you and slander you because it is less painful than admitting the situation is irreparable.

Original poster
RainbowLife · 02/02/2025 13:47

Thank you so much for these helpful and supportive comments.
A friend at church this morning said, in essence, "she doesn't know you ".

OP posts:
LushLemonTart · 02/02/2025 11:11

What on earth does she have to attack you for? You've done much more than most would ❤️

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 02/02/2025 09:32

You are a safe target for his sister to take her grief and anger out on. Doesn't make it any nicer for you to be on the receiving end, but you know you don't have to take any notice of it.

Weenurse · 02/02/2025 05:31

You are doing your best, your son is your priority.
counselling is a great step.
As they say on planes “fit your own mask first before assisting others,”
His sister is also hurting but she does not have your son to worry about.

3luckystars · 02/02/2025 03:35

The thing is that you don’t have to make any decisions today, take your time. Counselling is a great step forward.
of course you have conflicting feelings, I’m not going to say you are scammed but you were unaware of the full information before now.

Ignore his sister, she is likely in pain too.
You are making decisions for you and your son, not her. Keep listening to yourself x
You will get through this x

Original poster
RainbowLife · 02/02/2025 03:22

I am really struggling with the emotional fallout of what has happened.
I was verbally attacked by my husband's sister last week and I'm finding hard to stay on an even keel.
I am so grateful for all the support from the kind posters her, thank you, you are really making a difference.

I have such conflicting feelings. Thank God I'm starting counselling next week.

OP posts:
AlertCat · 29/01/2025 14:47

Look after yourself. Thinking of you.

dutchyoriginal · 29/01/2025 13:07

Thinking of you and will light a candle for all of you

Ankleblisters · 29/01/2025 07:27

You're in my thoughts OP. Sending you love and extra strength xxx

JamesWebbSpaceTelescope · 29/01/2025 07:04

RainbowLife · 27/01/2025 22:43

A particularly difficult day for me today. Some positive outcomes but at huge cost to me. If I was in any doubt at all I now know fir certain I'm at the end of my emotional strength. I'm not sure how I'm.going to do it but I am going to give myself a real break somehow.

Switch your phone off. Everything will still be there when you switch it back on and decisions / actions can be made without you for one day.

I would suggest a walk but the weather might not be up for that, if you live near a botanical garden gardens with a glass house that might work, getting near plants does make a massive difference, even if it does sound hippy and tree hugging.

Hope you manage to get the break you need today, cliche - you can’t pour from an empty cup so your well-being needs to be a priority occasionally.

Original poster
RainbowLife · 28/01/2025 22:14

❤️

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread