Putting our baby into nursery at 12 - 13 months. Attachment style outcomes??

As a fellow professional in the area I shared your dilema when I went back to work after my first. You understand the theory and it's impact which is little known, understood or applied in wider society. However there is also the economic realties we have to grapple with so a compromise has to be found. We are fortunate enough that I can work part time and we have a nanny- she's been with us since he was 7 months when she did a few hours ad hoc care weekly as shared care, progressing to covering the days I was in work once he was 14months. She is still with us now and he's nearly 4, plus she helps with my baby. My son was able to develop a lovely attachment with her. This felt like the ideal solution for us, especially as my son was high needs and I had attachment parented, exclusively breastfed on demand and co-slept. It felt like a huge jump from that to care in an institutional setting with their ratios and didn't feel right for my son. I did face judgement from peers for a variety of reasons but it was definitely the right decision for my child. Ultimately he has settled well at pre-school (part time) and is a confident little boy.

this x1000000!!! I think you should take some big steps back op. x

Actually it was because my son has been referred to speech and language therapy and it is advised to use nursery but convenient you home in on my wanting a break comment! He has properly struggled to settle so can't imagine what waiting to three would be like.

Well, yes, I agree @TheSilkWorm that does seem to be a bit weird.

Anyone to claim to have a specialism in any sector but then simply dismiss recent studies out of hand does seem blinkered

All the 'research' I did when choosing nurseries was asking other mums, ask about safeguarding policies and how they were applied.
Yes there were tears in the first couple of weeks but all was fine after that.

This!

People forget the second word - theory.

However hard and expert works, it's almost impossible to encompass an entire subject like child development, especially by observation/examination only. We are flawed and biased creatures - Bowlby no exception.

As we're increasingly discovering, he couldn't have a clue about genetic influences on attachment.

Refusing to read research later than the 1950s and misapplying the concepts she's read doesn't make her more educated than other posters!

I haven't seen aggression or hostility towards the OP, just bewilderment that someone who claims to be a child therapist appears to have little real understanding of attachment, and actively avoids any research later than Bowlby.

Most of us who actually have experience of using nursery have reassured her that some tears at separation are to be expected if this is the first time the child has been left, at about a year old when separation anxiety is at a peak. It doesn't mean she needs to abandon her career, switch him to a different nursery etc. His reaction is a normal one for a child who hasn't been left until now, and (unless he is really unusual) he will quickly settle and feel secure and enjoy nursery. We've also advised that if possible, consecutive days are probably better, though this may not be possible if the OP is only working 2 non consecutive days and can't afford more sessions.

Absolutely nobody has been aggressive or hostile. Critical and disagreeing, yes.

Montessori does not always mean the child's emotional needs will be effectively met though....montessori is just about the learning approach.

And there is no such thing as being 'overly attached'......these are the characteristics of a secure attachment and are all things that the OP's child is demonstrating.

Proximity maintenance: The desire to be near the people we are attached to.

Safe haven
: Returning to the attachment figure for comfort and safety in the face of a fear or threat.

Secure base
: The attachment figure acts as a base of security from which the child can explore the surrounding environment.

Separation distress
: Anxiety that occurs in the absence of the attachment figure.

Alot of people don't understand that an insecure attachment is more likely when children spend too much time away from their parents not too much time with them!

OP you may find this video useful by Sarah Ockwell smith;
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=6i1Uv3ZT-0k
I think doing the Berlin adjustment model she mentions to the letter would be rather difficult to implement and not many settings would be on board with that, however with my dd2 who went into childcare with a childminder at 10mths, we did do a gradual process of me leaving her for lengthening amounts of time over a period of time, which worked well.

I would say though (as both a parent and someone who has worked in childcare and also has professional experience and extensive knowledge about child development and attachment) that if your child is not settling down quickly after you leave and is so unsettled they are calling you to collect him, it is likely not the right setting for him.
Boys are often harder to settle than girls, but no child should be crying for any period of time and being left inconsolable.
I have left my DD's slightly upset with a caregiver they are familiar with and have built up a relationship with, but wouldn't leave them upset with someone they barely know (which sadly alot of settings expect you to do) or expect to be asked to leave them if they were full on screaming, especially as a baby.
In a situation where they were upset at drop off I would at least wait outside the door to ensure they settled and i could no longer hear them crying before I left.

In your situation, I would either have a conversation with the setting about going back to square one, with you staying for afew sessions and gradually pulling back, and trialling leaving him abit at a time (bear in mind this could take weeks or longer though as he has already had a bad experience) or of they won't agree or it doesn't work then take him out, and if you need the childcare for work purposes, perhaps find a good childminder where he will receive a more nurturing approach in a less overwhelming environment.Just ensure before agreeing to send him that they are on board with a gradual settling in process and won't be trying to force things along too fast, as I think that will key to avoid a repetition of your current experience.

Best of luck, it must be really hard for you and you really sound like you're trying your best for him.

@LeeJames1
What's your question?
You are clearly more qualified /educated on this stuff than the vast majority of people on MN.

From a practical point of view, I would try to get consecutive days and try to change your work pattern to facilitate this. I would have thought that would be better for your DC to get used to the nursery environment. The in / out set up you have now will make it harder for them to get used to it.

I had about a month or 2 of transition but mine were in more than yours

Mine were both home until age 3, then went to preschool for half days. Neither of them ever cried at dropoff and immediately settled in. They were a bit unsure, yes. But never upset. They hadn't been looked after by other adults before (no family nearby). And one of them was a covid toddler, so spent A LOT of time just with us at home. Obviously that's just my two children, not a proper sample. And I'm only mentioning this because some seem to have this theory that the kids are crying at dropoff because they are 'too attached' and not used to other adults. I honestly think it's just personality. It's probably not that deep.

If she was grappling with a decision I'd have much more sympathy than using pseudo science bullshit to judge working mothers.

Attachment issues are created through neglect and trauma, not a few days a week at a lovely nursery.

So maybe this is not the right setting for this child. I had one child who waltzed into daycare (I am American) and grumbled at pick up. For childcare consistency is key so two days with a gap is probably very confusing. We had a nanny (since we were both working FT- we breastfed, co slept and did not sleep train but I am not into theories and as a mother of much older kids now I am fairly strict and boundaried) but the older one did 8:30-12 at a daycare 4 days a week. And it took a while- maybe 6-8 weeks for him to get into the flow of the routine- so we get up and he gets dropped off at this place, and then his beloved nanny collects him and Mom is back at 4. Once the pattern was established he was fine. He’s still the kid who is more of a homebody.
My other one is 8 and much more independent in that sense.

The aggression and hostility on here towards the op is shocking. Yet again, grown women unable to just either scroll on by without making a dig at a mum who's grappling with a decision about her lo.
Op, follow your gut on this one. If you feel lo isn't ready then they probably aren't, so what (if anything) can you do differently than what you had planned? For every research you find there will be one to counter it so stop swimming in data and follow your instincts, they rarely serve us wrong. Wishing you and your lo well and just wish more mums gave as much consideration to what is actually in their lo's developmental best interests.

My little boy went part time (three days a week) from 6 months, and full time(ish) from 9months. Small nursery, full time forest school but babies are obviously indoors more before they transition to outdoor life at 3.
He struggled a little at the start, probably with the noise and not being centre of the world. But by the time he went full time he was absolutely fine. We went through a phase of tears at drop off probably around 11months, and then a switch went and he was fine
Now he reaches out for the person on handover, and when put down will toddle off to his playroom without a backward glance.

At home he plays really well independently but also loves to be carried by me and is super sociable with most adults. He's occasionally shy of tall men (his dad is only 5'6") but otherwise we've not had any upset. We are both quite introverted and awkward with people we don't know and are so pleased at how sociable he seems, and we put a lot of it down to nursery.

My first child went to nursery from 9 months she was absolutely fine, my second didn't go to nursery until around 16 months and it took him months to settle, I feel like the younger they start the easier it is on them

My two went to a childminder at about 10 months, they settled really well and appear to be fine now at 4 and 2. Our childminder is really lovely though and like a family member to them. Eldest has settled in school earlier this year really well too.

Well it wasn’t for mine and plenty others I’ve seen. By 3.5 both of mine were developmentally ready to play with other children and could speak fluently and explain if they needed the toilet etc. My PERSONAL opinion is that a single loving care giver is ideal for those under 3. If you need a break then fine but that doesn’t change my opinion.

No child of loving parents in a happy household will have an attachment disorder regardless of childcare arrangements.

Two separate days is too hard, that's pretty basic surely? They cope best with nursery when they go more and can properly settle. I'd consider upping his days temporarily if you can so he can find his feet and then wind it back to the days you need.

It's a shock to the system regardless of when it is. Age 1,2 or 3. I don't think you should sha,e a 3 year old for not wanting to be separated from their primary caregiver. :/

Personally having seen some three year olds screaming going into preschool having been at home with their mum or dad I do think it best if the child has some experience of being away from mum or dad. It must be a massive shock otherwise.

I don't understand your question. Your baby is taking a while to settle at nursery, yes? So what ... are you thinking of changing settings?

OP I completely understand your concerns as I am a Doctor training in CAMHS. I remember thinking about nursery for my DS1 and I wanted research to back up the decision I was making to make me feel better as my gut feeling was telling me they weren't ready for nursery.

Maybe your baby isn't ready for nursery, many aren't at that age and some are. The reality is, you most likely need to work for finances or because it's beneficial for your own wellbeing. These things all contribute to a very happy home and that matters too. You are doing everything else right, so unless you have a strong family history of PD, I wouldn't worry. As long as you are responding to your baby most of the time and sharing lots of love when you are there then your baby will have a healthy attachment.

I think having a childminder is better at that age. It's better for them to be engrossed in day to day activities rather than a set up nursery. It's also less stimulating. Is there a way you could have a slow settling in period?

Ok 🤷‍♀️

Anecdotally, as a Montessori trained childminder, I find children prefer split up days over the week - so Monday and Thursday rather than Monday Tuesday, as the five days away from my setting unsettles them again. There's no right or wrong, just listen to your child and the professionals that you've chosen to care for him.