Partner quit his job to homeschool his autistic son

The DLA and carers needs to be in your partners name . He needs to sort that . Your children can’t be disadvantaged by this. If he won’t sort this , have you thought about leaving and claiming uc by yourself ? You can’t go with out food for this one Childs needs whilst the ex wife is sitting pretty !

So apart from claiming all the benefits what Is the mums role in this?
Tbh ss needs dont trump everyone else in the home if you are struggling to even feed your other children your dh needs to step up fast with a PT job or you need to urgently get an alternative provision in place for ss.

• his Mum claims everything like carers/dla etc and does give a small amount to my dp
this is wrong, he's gave up his FT work yet she keeps all the £ for the child, what is the routine as to where child sleeps etc

If your DP is doing the caring he should be getting the carers allowance etc. I'd be looking into this first and foremost.

A full time education can be provided in about an hour an a half to two hours a day. By this I mean the core curriculum to a high standard. This is as much if not more than gets offered in a standard school day once all the extension stuff, faffing, breaks etc are taken out. The extension stuff you're likely covering through extra curricular stuff or the child's own interests.

Depending on the child's ability the hour or two of focused work may be fairly independent with the adult in more of a supervision role. Basically, it's not a full time role though I appreciate the child needs an adult in the home. It does take time to settle into a new way of doing things and to understand what's required. Many come to home education imagining a 9 - 3 not appreciating how little of that is 'work' Once settled your partner will hopefully appreciate what he's able to combine. If there's supportive family to child mind that makes a world of difference to HE and being able to work.

I'd like to know a bit more about the living arrangements and how the mom is contributing to his learning etc. I can't see why dad is doing the homeschooling and she's collecting all the benefits.

You might get more advice on the SEN board. My DC has a council home tutor as he's unable to attend school so is EOTAS. Your partner should be getting the carer's allowance and DLA and if that isn't the case, his ex needs to sort out tutoring using that money.

I'd also want there to be some actions taken to prepare the child to reenter traditional schooling.

Is he seeing a psychologist? An OT? What aspects of school can't be cope with?

Im sure this is my own lack of knowledge speaking- but how could he have been getting by undiagnosed until 10 if his presentation is so severe he can't go to school? He must have some capability and strengths, could you work with an OT to leverage them to help him cope in more challenging situations.

Well there are holes in this plan.
If he gave up work to do the home schooling and care, whilst his ex works or whatever she does, then he should be receiving the carers allowance and a portion of his DLA to meet the costs of materials that are required for schooling because he cannot attend mainstream.

Still, it would be a massive drop to income but that money could make a difference.. not sure how it would work with disability top ups on UC cos I'd assume that he's on his mums claim.

All a bit of a mess really, isn't it

What are mums capability issues that means she can't contribute to home schooling?

I have an autistic child. I was considering homeschooling due to the dire state of SEN provision but thankfully he managed to get a special school place. I’ve crunched the numbers and for us, we would be about the same if I didn’t work. I am only able to work as we are incredibly fortunate to have a specialist school place and both me and my husband have really flexible jobs. Essential since there is no wrap around care at school. If for any reason he didn’t have this school place, I would be forced to give up work.
So I think this is a horrible situation but realistically you can’t home educate an autistic child and work too. I just don’t think that’s reasonable. Nor do I think it’s any of your fault that school wasn’t possible. My only suggestion would be to try to fight for a specialist school place. So your OH and DSS’s mum can potentially juggle work around specialist school.

Have you looked at calculations for whether you would actually be better off with him working? There's no shame in claiming universal credit.

If he was earning £40k, he wasn't bringing £40k home. After tax and NI he was probably bringing home 2/3 of that. Maybe also paying fares etc.

How much he can bring home working PT will obviously depend on his hourly rate. Sitting on a bike outside McDonalds waiting for Deliveroo orders is clearly going to impact on family life way more than a couple of hours a day tutoring kids online or checking people's tax calculations.

It's not a straightforward scenario

The boys mother is taking you for a ride.

So she's claiming all the boy's benefits while being completely unencumbered by his care for the working week.

Why would you stand for it?

Your partner either needs to commit to being the primary carer and having the benefits that come with it. Or honour the agreement you all made and get a part time job.

You need to have a serious conversation between the three of you- how long is this arrangement meant to go for? A year or two to get him back on track? Or until he graduates?

And how will it be funded?

You are carrying five people in addition to yourself with this set up!

Why do you feel unable to raise this with your partner?

Apply for all the gov't aid you can and i think it's time to discuss your husband's ex-wife financially contribute as the financial strain has become more difficult than expected.

I don't really see what you are asking? If the kid isn't coping with school, I don't think there is another option? Your hubby can't just leave him alone all day while he goes to work! I would be pursuing why your step-son's benefits go to his mum though. Also see if you are entitled to any other benefits - DLA for him perhaps.

For those saying "get the child into a special school" - that's really hard, even with an EHCP. There aren't enough places and parents basically spend months, if not years fighting for specialist autism placements.

This are lots of children with autism who are home ed, as a result - because their autism is severe enough to prevent them from engaging with mainstream school education but not severe enough to win a coveted place at a suitable special school.

It probably wouldn’t have been -40k as OP said they claim universal credit, and a guessing they didn’t when he was working.
So the income drop would’ve been less than 40k, once uc payments were considered. Obviously uc would mean they have less money though.

If Ex is working and your H is doing the main schooling , health and caring duties that amount to over 36 hrs a week surely he should be claiming carers allowance etc? Does his son stay overnight in your home ?
It sounds as if these arrangements need to be looked at again , but I wonder if it was one of your own sons who was is crisis would your concerns be different.

The mum is partly responsible surely. Why is some of the financial burden not falling upon her? If she's the higher earner out of those two then fine if he's the home schooler, but she needs to put more money in. How can you just live with that big a drop? Nobody could. He can easily get some sort of shift work/WFH role. If not then the mum should pay more or some of the homeschooling and reduce her hours also. To allow him to work a bit. Maybe he's correct about the UC, so all the more reason she needs to help out.

This sounds mad. You’d be better looking for a setting that would work for the child.. i might be naive but I am not convinced homeschooling is the best option for anyone tbh. It might be If extreme needs and no funding etc but if he has a diagnosis surely there is some extra provison for him somewhere??

If your DH is doing all the homeschooling and day to day caring of your stepson then why is his mum claiming (and keeping) the DLA & carers allowance? That’s your issue there.

How is it that the dad is doing the home ed and the mother is receiving the DLA etc?
That seems a bit unbalanced.

Does the ds live with his mother and only go to his father during school hours - which would also be unusual.

Does he have his son 5 days a week? If not, as most do not home school 9-5, he can find a job around the time he has his son. He can work a few days a week at least as he is not educating his son 24/7 and 7 days a week,

Sounds like the mum is claiming all the benefits for his son, and he does not have that to top up the lack of job. Nor can he contribute financially to any of the 3 children.

do make sure to keep finances separate in so much as make sure you pay in your pension, do not lose out of you split due to his choice to not work.

I don't get this setup... How many days is he with you both? But the mum is getting the dla and carers?

Can't your husband work around the hours that he isn't homeschooling? I realise this is exhausting, I have a profoundly autistic son and have done this for years as we can't rely on one salary only.