Partner quit his job to homeschool his autistic son

Yes it is naive I’m afraid. Some children there are just zero available suitable provisions for. Very depressing. But very true.

You said it’s not working so you need to do something else. You’ve given him a solid foundation with a routine of homeschooling but now heading for secondary school look for special school.

I could never have agreed to this in the first place…..I would need to protect my own children’s needs ……and if that’s selfish, then so be it

Yup, it is an accepted reality of the situation. And to be clear the children know that the parents are doing the best they can, with what they have and what they know. But it still sucks for them, and when they have an issue they don't wish to burden their parents who are already soooo exhausted so they get sort of stuck.

I would like to think that if it is identified early and there is a a routine established with someone at school where they get 30 mins a week to learn to talk about themselves and be listened too then it would prevent a lot of problems... but I guess alot of kids would benefit from that as well.

Have you ever been a carer to and homeschooled a disabled child. That’s more than a full time job in itself FYI. Be hard to be lazy 🙄

EHCP you need one. Lobby your MP. This is something the labour govt is focusing on about mainstreaming kids with disabilities and Learning difficulties.

I’m sorry you’re in this complex situation. There’s not much additional info in order to give a fuller picture of matters practically speaking (eg. your salary, mother’s home set up/salary, DSD’s living arrangements etc). You say the three of you discussed and agreed to this, so you would be very unreasonable to now throw the whole thing on the scrap heap because quite foreseeable financial difficulties are arising. This also suggests that you’ve been able to work together effectively in the past and it would be a great shame for all of you and especially your DSD if that were to be lost.

Agree with other posters that financially you need to tackle this as a threesome as well - ie. mother needs to recognise that father is essentially providing full time childcare enabling her to work (I assume - difficult to tell from your posts) and make a more significant contribution.

However, (and I imagine that this won’t be a popular point of view), you might also recognise that your partner’s change of situation could now enable you to seek a role at a higher salary with him picking up childcare after school for all three children, doing all drop offs pick ups etc. Is that feasible?

I would tread very carefully and consider offering whatever support you can to facilitate matters with your whole family unit and your own children’s best interests in mind. Your partner clearly wants to step up for his son (not every parent would) and, while there are sacrifices, there are also valuable lessons here for your shared children about how to be there for a family member/working together/who their dad is. Plus the benefit of having a parent around at home full time/help with homework etc.

You also need to manage your own feelings around claiming benefits - it might be an admirable view in general, but there are additional needs and the well-being of multiple people to consider so you need to be able to flex on your viewpoint here. This includes looking at activities for the other kids that will give bursary/free places, using charities which will support with food/clothing, checking entitlements to winter fuel/free school meals etc etc

If your partner has been willing to take this step for his son, it doesn’t seem to me very far fetched to think that you withdrawing your support for an arrangement you agreed, could have a very serious impact on the viability of your relationship long term. How would that impact you and your children, as well as your partner and his eldest child? What happens to your DSD right now could well also impact his adult life quite deeply (educational/vocational attainment, employability, relationships etc). What impact will it have on you and your partner and children if he doesn’t receive the support he needs and it results in him needing greater support for far longer? How would you feel if this was one of your own children?

The situation you are in is far from straightforward and there isn’t a clear solution. Sometimes that’s just how life is. It is not your partner’s “fault”. You are in this situation by mutual agreement and it is not his problem to solve alone. Things may also change over time. Perhaps part of your H’s time should be spent (if not already) ensuring that all possible avenues for support are followed, applications for special schools are submitted and followed up regularly (if available - you don’t say whether there are special schools near you).

Essentially I don’t think you can just pull the rug, but of course everyone in your household needs to be fed and clothed. Try and approach any conversation from the point of view of being on the same team and offer whatever additional support you can, in the first instance, to help facilitate the current situation. Recognise the upside of who your partner is and what he is trying to achieve, even though the situation is not ideal. You are more likely to be met halfway with this approach.

PS Bear in mind that there may be a genetic component to this - have you considered whether either of your shared children may also have additional needs? It would be ironic for you to create an impasse on your relationship over this only to later discover that another child would also benefit from additional parental input.

I think about glass siblings a lot. My older daughter understands that we can't always do everything but as a family we are extremely lucky that extended family help take my daughter to places, activities so she never misses out. It's hard for me though having to miss out on taking her.

Siblings are always affected when the disability of one child means a parent needs to stop working to provide care. This isn’t about prioritising one over another, it’s just a reality of life with a disabled child.

The mother needs to take over, and on line school needs to be organised if she is taking the allowance. I wouldn’t be happy in this situation at all. Long tern consequences with pensions, savings, career progression is huge for you and your other dc.

Why is his mom claiming dla/carers if its your partner who's given up work to homeschool? That doesn't seem right.

Something has to give if you can't afford clothes/food properly for all the DC, the current plan clearly isn't sustainable.

Whether that's a part time job/a change in who claims the benefits etc needs to be discussed.

As PP have said, in the short term you need to get the relevant benefits paid to your DP. What financial arrangements were agreed when he and his ex agreed to the home-schooling?

Medium term, your DP needs to look for work. How many hours a day is he spending homeschooling? Could he go back to previous job but PT? If he was on 40k previously he should be able to get something now, even PT, that would make you better off than under UC.

I just cannot fathom how you and your partner didn't realise his giving up work would have a negative financial impact on your other children.

I think the most important message here is that the current plan is unsustainable. Its important to remember that your SSon is part of a family not just a monolith on his own.

It looks like you might have to the be the one with the sensible hat on here, so you are going to have to do this work on your own.

+The first thing you need to do is draw up a budget with all your income and outgoings. If you other kids are sometimes going without food this is the family priority not the schooling.

• The next thing is that you are saving 1-3 months worth of expenses for unexpected expenses (boilers, you becoming unwell etc...), holidays etc...

• Then how are you saving long term saving i.e. pension.

Just a side note. I am a sibling to a person with high needs and even though rationally I could understand that my sibling required more than me, it did mean that alot of my needs got overlooked and caused a lot of emotional issues for me. In order to meet your SSs high educational needs he is getting alot of quality time with his parent. This may cause your other children might become resentful as they won't feel as important. They are not going to admit this to you. If there is a way to facilitate a trusted sustainable relationship with an adult so they are getting the space to express any anger and feel heard without causing further pain, it will save a lot of drama as they go into teenage years. If you want more information the term is now called "glass children" and a really good example in the media is "Missy" in Young Sheldon.

It's so hard. I left a highly paid career to look after my son around 3 years ago. I'd love to go back but I don't have the time and I don't think I'd be able to cope with work pressure, being a carer and the relentless chasing of services for my child.

Clearly the child's mother claiming the benefits wrongly is the issue here, does DSS sleep at hers and therefore the DM pays no maintenance? For the sake of everyone your DP needs to sort this out.

However... you cannot force this child back to school to make your own life more convenient, there are certainly options such as EOTAS, the DM doing childcare for eg in the afternoons amd your DP doing teaching in the morning.

Many SS are not academically rigorous so I wouldn't peg your hopes on DSS going to one of those, he should have access to an appropriate education.

Ultimately having a child with SEN does mean earning capacity is lowered as a household, you may not want to but it looks like you will need to access UC

Op, did you both not sit down and do the math to see if you can actually afford it ?

Would online schooling be an option? There are quite a few around. My husband works for one called Milverton Education. They are private, I think fees are around £8000 a year.

Why didn't he just go part time at work? He surely could've put in a flexible working request and reduced his hours and maintained some income

Doesnt really make sense that he cant work at all.
As
He is 10 so baring safety issues he probably could watch tv etc with you wfh for the time he isnt home schooling.
I would expect with 1-2-1 dad onoy needs to do 2-3 days of actuao work with him rather than 5. Or at minimum could work evenings or weekends...
However trying to manage asd dc to do work can be exhausting or as i do getting them to school and homework done.

In real terms parents rosking earnings for a dc who perhaps will not benefit from the education - will DSS be able to work FT as an adult? Or will you all perhaos be supporting him as an adult.
Its probably only worth homeschooling if it makes a huge difference or the kid was suicidal etc.

Your oh needs to be claiming dla and carers for his son. You will then also get a top up on uc for this. I can’t see how you can do this otherwise. How is uc not insisting he works if yous aren’t? What’s the care arrangements if your oh is homeschooling him?
Maybe look at other school options like a unit rather than mainstream

There are plenty of options for work outside of core school hours.

I'm assuming that both you and the child's mother are there to support with childcare and - where appropriate - with education (e.g. educational visits, sports activities and more alongside siblings).

While he might not be able to get a job earning what he was, if he wants to work there's plenty of part time work. A lot of it isn't glamorous (e.g. retail, call centres, admin) but equally if he's skilled in a particular area then there's often skilled part time work.

I don't think he's unreasonable to quite a FT job with a reasonably decent wage to do what's best for his son.

However, for the sake of all his kids it is unreasonable to not consider doing some paid work alongside homeschooling. Even if he's not better off doing so, working sets an example to kids about putting in the hours to have nice things. It's also far, far, easier to get back into a career at a later date if one has remained in even vaguely relevant work - even if it's very part time, even if it's more junior than one is capable of. He also needs to think about the implications of not working when it comes to NI contributions for the state pension.

In your shoes I'd be strongly encouraging him to pick up some paid work - for his own wellbeing and pride, to set an example to the kids, to show his support for you, and to make it easier in a few years when his son no longer requires home schooling.

So if sending him back to school is a no go, then what’s your idea?

You must have an idea of what the alternative is. Simply saying ‘this doesn’t work’ isn’t going to fix it change anything.

Does your step son live with you? If not how does it work? Is that why she keeps all the benefits such as pip?

What do you mean ‘incapabilities’? Do you mean she doesn’t feel like she can do it (which is fair enough many wouldn’t be able to) or do you mean something along the lines of her having a disability?

It's quite common for kids (especially girls) who are autistic but academically able to go undiagnosed until late primary or transition to secondary. They can cope with the relatively simple demands of primary (one teacher, limited subjects, not too many transitions) albeit with a lot of masking. My DD was like this - it all went completely pear-shaped in secondary because she couldn't manage the demands of the much more complex school environment. Certainly where I live support for these kids is abysmal - the autism service diagnose and discharge, no support is offered. Her mental health has been so bad she's been out of school now for four years. We're lucky in that DH and I can alternate working from home, otherwise I'd have had to leave my job too.

Has the child got an EHCP? If not, apply for one now. Hopefully by next September, you'll either have a specialist school place or EOTAS. Either way, something that does not involve the highest earner stopping work.

I get it. My DD was undiagnosed for many years - Covid and lockdowns didn't help - and she burnt out 2 years ago, no traditional school since. But home schooling yourself is a last resort because of the financial impact. There's options but you need to fight for them, as they are usually super expensive for the LA.