Partner quit his job to homeschool his autistic son

I've not got time to read all responses. Apply for child DLA, carer's allowance and the child disability, and carers element on universal credit.

You can work pt and get uc.

He should have got himself a part time job before removing his son from school and quitting his old job.

The plan was for the father to work part time, and he's reneged on that plan.

He's unilaterally decided that OP should fund him, their two joint children and his own child from a previous relationship.

I think it’s shocking that this is a discussion.

Things are simply terrible in SEN education.

The system does not work. Even with 1:1 the environment of schools are too large and scary.

They need to build specialist schools in cities with smaller classes and quieter atmospheres for the ND. The amount it will save on specialist care / transport etc is vast. There are huge disproportionate costs sending SEN kids hundreds of miles via taxi each week. There are specialist private provision charging £70,000 or more annually. So a disproportionate few who succeed at tribunal take chunks of funding leaving less for those in mainstream. Huge amounts wasted on tribunals and experts.

The system is inefficient.

It seems to me to be very odd that you took this decision. You knew what the financial hit would be and did it anyway. There should have been a plan financially beforehand. Why didn't you all work out whether it was affordable first? There are other education options. My own dc were educated in specialist asd schools. It was a fight to get the right provision but it is possible.

So your partner has his son 5 days a week, and the mother gets to keep all the financial support?

does his son need 9-3 home schooling? Could he do schooling from 9-12 and then his mum look after him in afternoons? Giving your partner 1-8 to work?

I was in a similar position as in mainstream school broke down for my dc and they did not attend school for two years. The difference was I did not offer to ‘homeschool.’ Did your dh actually want to homeschool or did he feel he had no choice?

In my case the local authority agreed to provide tuition and supervision from an agency five days a week. It wasn’t plain sailing and I lost my job during the whole process as I was a single parent BUT my dc did get a place in a special school eventually.

In a way the homeschooling takes the problem away from the local authority and you are left with no support and no way forward and as your stepson is 10 (my dc was 10 too) there is a long way to go in terms of education.

Going to read everyone’s comments in a moment but wanted to mention that this is a common theme in mainstream education. Schools consistently fail children with SEN, anxiety or school refusal, while parents often feel cornered into home educating because of course their child’s mental health/safeguarding has to take priority. Despite having little choice, parents find themselves financing everything, there is not even the basic provision of maths/english/science to access through the LA.

a) home schooling should be 50/50 in this situation with his ex doing half of it or at least 2 days a week.

b) parents need to urgently apply for an EHCP (DH can take the lead with applying, you don’t need school to apply).

3. please could you explain what the boy was struggling with? Anxiety? School refusal? Heightened behaviours? What ever made school inaccessible needs to be part of his EHCP application.

4. practical activities are very grounding for people with autism - forest school, DIY, cooking, arts, crafts, exercise. These activities all offer opportunities to socialise. If your DH joins your local Facebook home ed group he will discover local home ed activities and possibly other home ed dads. Mine all attended a farm school two days a week.

5. it may be worth trialing primary or secondary school with a part time time table. Mornings only or three days a week to make things manageable for him.

6. Alternatively a fee paying school might be the right thing if anxiety is the main thing he struggles with. Your DH could then return to a full time work. Public schools can offer smaller more nurturing classes (dependant on the school), Steiner schools and Home Ed provisions are also worth a look. Ask on your local Facebook homeschool page for provision possibilities.

7. can his grandparents baby sit one day a week each and do practical Living Skills activities like cooking, food shopping, bus transport, gardening, cleaning, cooking, bill paying, dog walking, helping in the community, watch documentaries. Your DH can cover the academic side on other days.

8. look at 14-16 opportunities near you, some local colleges offer a full time provision for home educators to sit GCSEs or Level 1 or 2 vocational diplomas. Avoid anything PRU like (with children still on role with schools unable to manage them ) as the behaviours maybe too overwhelming.

9. can everyone do a day with him so the load is spread. His ex, DH, you, both his grandparents. Maths and English (and other subjects) can be done online through self paced or live online courses. £2 tuition hub is very affordable but there are lots more online home ed provisions like this.

This. Can you take legal advice so that you claim the DLA etc rather than your stepsons Mum?

I would be really angry if my children were missing out because of this - even if it was just “nice to have” things.

I think we don’t can’t say who should be getting the child DLA.

The father may be ‘taking the lead’ on home schooling, but Op hasn’t actually said what that looks like. That could be the child living with op and her partner. Or him doing 2 hours a day at the mother’s home and the mother carrying all the costs.

Surely, when they agreed to Ops partner giving up work all this was discussed and agreed. I don’t understand if op and her partner carry the majority of the costs for the child and he was going to be earning no money, why they would agree to him quitting work to provide the majority care for the child plus most of the costs associated with this but that she could keep the DLA. It’s an insane arrangement.

Is your stepson unable to go to school due to anxiety, and if so could you get medical evidence of that? If you can, he would qualify for home tuition/EOTAS (education otherwise than at school) which would presumably make it easier for your partner to go back to work. Also, does he have an Education, Health and Care Plan?

Absolutely you should be getting the DLA and Carers. What a cheeky fecker the Mum is. Your DP has given up a large salary. If she won't give up the benefits then she'll just have to do some home schooling herself, whether she thinks she's capable or not. It's not fair to put it all on one family.

@FiveWhatByFiveWhat

Yes I am for real. A lot of men would give up full time work without picking up any slack in the home.

A 10 year old doesn't need constant supervision like a toddler, so I would expect the dad to be doing the lionshare of the household tasks.

Also there are disabilities and there are disabilities. Autism presents differently in different people. It doesn't sound like this child requires around the clock care and supervision- therefore I would want to know if the dad is actually being productive while OP is out being the sole breadwinner, financially carrying not just her partner but a step son she has no biological or legal obligation towards.

Presumably if the mum is claiming carers allowance she is also working very limited hours?

Like others have said what are the living arrangements. Seems to me that your DH should at the least be getting the carers allowance and the DLA money going towards the costs of home schooling.

Whats the situation with his EHCP and alternative schools have other settings stated they can’t meet needs?

All of this.

Just get an ehcp

Just go to a special school

Just find alternate provision

It's always gotten significantly harder to even qualify for an ehcp and not because the need isn't there.

Our ms school used to be able to do a lot but now they're basically withdrawn most support as they have to use the precious few resources they have on the children who have violent outbursts. Quietly suffering/ high functioning is just expected to cope and they aren't coping. They're being let down.

This!

Alternative provision may be the answer if his son has an ehcp. Have a look into what’s available in your local area. Contact sendiass for support. Could your partner get an evening job and work around you?

Are you for real? "Is he lazy?"

No he's not, he's home schooling his disabled child as school was crippling the boy. Lots of parents have to do this (usually the mum as previously mentioned by another poster) it does not make them lazy, it means they are trying to help their kid.

I get it's a massive wage drop and probably impractical. I'm not saying op shouldn't have worries or concerns - although I can't tell if it's purely financial worry or a weird pride/disdain for those on benefits, even in genuine cases. But stopping work to support your child is not "lazy".

It's a nightmare, it really is.
The reality is that a diagnosis does not automatically give you an EHCP.
The reality is that an autistic child is more likely to be anxious, unable to cope long-term and they'll start to school-refuse.
The reality is that Attendance Officers won't be able to offer a part-time timetable or make reasonable adjustments with mental health days/days taken to reregulate/days off with "autistic shutdown/meltdown" given as a reason.
They could sign it as medical but ime they don't.
Parents are screwed.
Teenagers become too strong/wilful/stressed and won't - cannot - attend.
The regret and shame that comes with this is heartbreaking.
Parents who are honest still get hit with an "unapproved" absence and/or told to get them in at break: exhaustion following a meltdown won't count either.
If forced to lie and attendance hits below 90/85% the threatening letters will appear.
Parents are being forced into home education - in my eyes it's similar to what "illegal off-rolling" used to be.
Without an EHCP I'm not even sure how much of any disability element you are entitled to (anyone who knows, please enlighten me).
"High-functioning" can be anything but.
And yes, you'll be judged by those who don't live with it.
Not just the scepticism, or the data that referrals have gone up 300% or the ignorance that we're all a bit quirky or the opinion that screens have done it (when it can often be one of the few chances for socialisation/solution to dysregulation) or that when (not if) you're late for work, there'll only be sympathy/empathy extended for a certain time...you'll be judged because everyone thinks they'd do things differently or have a magic way of forcing their child in by just telling them. It is debilitating.
That's before you even start me on the lack of self-care parents/carers often have and the impact on siblings.
Some of the responses on here, whilst unintentional, absolutely = tell me you don't have a kid on the spectrum without telling me/tell me you don't work in a school without telling me.

Some of the posters here are very over optimistic about school provision for autistic children. I wish I was still as clueless, instead of fight battles that seem to go nowhere with a local authority that refuse everything outright to avoid paying for anything. Plus the complexity of evidence and level of knowledge you need. We come from average salaries too, I can't imagine if you have nothing to pay for reports, advocacy etc how anyone gets anything. So many people home educating never set out to do this, it's just that there are no viable alternatives.

For your family, you need to discuss that home education does not need to stick to school hours. If his mum can have him a day or 2 a week, your dp can still fit educating around that. There are also evenings and weekends to work. Do make sure he looks into an ehcp and potentially eotas funding for future, as the boy won't always be 10. Once he has recovered from school trauma, he may manage group online tutoring while you work from home, or different provision. Also, universal credit is there as a safety net, so don't feel bad about having to use it.

It doesn’t make sense that he home schools the child yet the mum receives the DLA for him.

His child needs to be added to you guys’ UC claim. You’ll then be able to receive the carers element and disabled child element through UC. The DLA should also be coming to you guys’s household so why does the mum take it? I don’t understand?

What is the contact arrangement with his mum? If he has quit his job to do homeschooling that sounds like he must have DS a lot of the time and should therefore be getting DLA and carers allowance? Why is DM getting it?

I suspect the child's mother is at the end of her tether/ burn out and can't cope anymore. Hard situation all around

There's also a difference between school being unable to cope with the child, and the child being unable to cope with school.

@AllYearsAround that's true.

For my DGS it was definitely a mutual thing - he couldn't cope with school and they couldn't cope with him!