DH and DS plans

WindyMillerSmith · 2024-11-23T18:21:16+00:00

AIBU to feel a bit hurt that DH and DS have made plans tonight to game together and haven’t talked to me about whether that’s ok. I’m on my own, yet again while they play together. Feeling a bit sad.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 23/11/2024 20:37

It shouldn't have to be a bloody competition, it should be a joint decision. Put your foot down and enjoy those chocs 😉

Original poster

WindyMillerSmith · 23/11/2024 19:32

User37482 · 23/11/2024 19:27

You could suggest something like “tomorrow night lets play a boardgame” get in there first.

Edited

Yes that’s what I was going to do but they’d already planned. I’ll get in there early tomorrow.

OP posts:

Original poster

WindyMillerSmith · 23/11/2024 19:31

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 23/11/2024 19:12

Do you ever suggest doing something with just DS? My exDH used to get pissy when I did things with DD without him but he never suggested doing things as a family or just with her.

I always try and plan collaboratively- so if I wanted to do something with DS I’d chat with DH first. So tonight when DS asked to play I’d have said ‘May be, let’s see what mum wants to do and decide’. I’d have then either said it’s fine (but would have felt considered instead of just forgotten ) or I’d have said ‘how about you do that for an hour and then we do XYZ’. I just wanted to feel considered.

OP posts:

User37482 · 23/11/2024 19:27

You could suggest something like “tomorrow night lets play a boardgame” get in there first.

Original poster

WindyMillerSmith · 23/11/2024 19:24

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 23/11/2024 19:04

Well I don't agree with them. It's rude to leave anyone out especially when it's 3 people. Doesn't matter if DH doesn't like feedback, he needs it. Make it clear that weekends/evenings are family time and no one is excluded. Do you think DH is doing it on purpose? Or just being the cool dad?
I'm annoyed on your behalf. Open the wine!

Show quote history

Aw thank you. I’ve opened some Xmas chocs and eating my body weight whilst watching a film. 😊

OP posts:

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 23/11/2024 19:12

Do you ever suggest doing something with just DS? My exDH used to get pissy when I did things with DD without him but he never suggested doing things as a family or just with her.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 23/11/2024 19:04

WindyMillerSmith · 23/11/2024 18:56

Wow 93% unreasonable. At least that’s clear. I’ll pull myself together and suck it up. I would just like us to feel like a family but I can move on. I’m pretty resilient usually. Just sad tonight.

Well I don't agree with them. It's rude to leave anyone out especially when it's 3 people. Doesn't matter if DH doesn't like feedback, he needs it. Make it clear that weekends/evenings are family time and no one is excluded. Do you think DH is doing it on purpose? Or just being the cool dad?
I'm annoyed on your behalf. Open the wine!

PeloMom · 23/11/2024 19:00

It sucks but inform them a specific night or two (you decide what works) is for family time and activities and they can’t game on those night (s). Then make plans - eg each person takes a turn to plan an activity (non gaming) for that night.

MartinCrieffsLemon · 23/11/2024 18:59

WindyMillerSmith · 23/11/2024 18:53

Why is it all on me? I wouldn’t dream if just planning to do something just me and DS in an evening without at least mentioning it to DH.

Show quote history

Because you're the one with the issue

Plenty of parents plan to take their child out without asking the other along. Not everything has to be as a unit

Original poster

WindyMillerSmith · 23/11/2024 18:57

pinksheetss · 23/11/2024 18:56

I think it's nice that your DH is involved with an interest of your sons. It just so happens they both like to do it.

What did you all do throughout the day? Does it happen every night/time you are not working away?

DS was out all day. DH and I had lunch.

OP posts:

Original poster

WindyMillerSmith · 23/11/2024 18:57

ssd · 23/11/2024 18:54

I know what you mean op. For me its football here. I'm used to being left out.

Thanks. 🙏

OP posts:

Original poster

WindyMillerSmith · 23/11/2024 18:56

Wow 93% unreasonable. At least that’s clear. I’ll pull myself together and suck it up. I would just like us to feel like a family but I can move on. I’m pretty resilient usually. Just sad tonight.

OP posts:

pinksheetss · 23/11/2024 18:56

I think it's nice that your DH is involved with an interest of your sons. It just so happens they both like to do it.

What did you all do throughout the day? Does it happen every night/time you are not working away?

ssd · 23/11/2024 18:54

I know what you mean op. For me its football here. I'm used to being left out.

Original poster

WindyMillerSmith · 23/11/2024 18:53

MartinCrieffsLemon · 23/11/2024 18:50

So you moan when they plan things for them (how many mothers do things with their daughters without their husbands and are encouraged to?) and moan that you have to plan things?

You want to do something together then you need to plan it

Show quote history

Why is it all on me? I wouldn’t dream if just planning to do something just me and DS in an evening without at least mentioning it to DH.

OP posts:

Original poster

WindyMillerSmith · 23/11/2024 18:52

Theoldwrinkley · 23/11/2024 18:48

Same problem here. Only my son is 33 and he and his Dad go out a lot together (which is nice) but never inform me. It makes me sad, frustrated, upset. No advice, sorry.

You too eh? Sorry. I think it’s the not being told that’s worse. If I know I’m going to be on my own I might arrange to do something or at least plan my time a bit better. It does feel like I’m inconsequential.

OP posts:

MartinCrieffsLemon · 23/11/2024 18:50

WindyMillerSmith · 23/11/2024 18:49

It had already been decided when I started to talk about tonight. DH wouldn’t have backed me up. Also it’s ALWAYS me that suggests and plans activities.

I am feeling very whiny tonight! Can you tell?

Show quote history

So you moan when they plan things for them (how many mothers do things with their daughters without their husbands and are encouraged to?) and moan that you have to plan things?

You want to do something together then you need to plan it

Original poster

WindyMillerSmith · 23/11/2024 18:49

MartinCrieffsLemon · 23/11/2024 18:45

Suggest something to do together then?

It had already been decided when I started to talk about tonight. DH wouldn’t have backed me up. Also it’s ALWAYS me that suggests and plans activities.

I am feeling very whiny tonight! Can you tell?

OP posts:

Theoldwrinkley · 23/11/2024 18:48

Same problem here. Only my son is 33 and he and his Dad go out a lot together (which is nice) but never inform me. It makes me sad, frustrated, upset. No advice, sorry.

Original poster

WindyMillerSmith · 23/11/2024 18:47

Pleasegetchristmasoverwith · 23/11/2024 18:44

Have you tried talking to your DH about how you feel?
He should be setting aside some time to spend with you.
It's totally not fair if you are always sidelined.

Thanks. Sidelined is the right word. I feel like it doesn’t set a good example either. To kind of exclude one member of a group by doing an activity they don’t, without at least acknowledging it. I’d not do it and if DS did I’d explain it’s a little rude.

DH doesn’t respond well to feedback so I pick my battles. I’ll have a moan on here and let it go. I might talk to DS about it if the consensus here is that it’s a bit off.

OP posts:

MartinCrieffsLemon · 23/11/2024 18:45

Suggest something to do together then?

SemperIdem · 23/11/2024 18:45

Suggest an alternative group activity?

If you work away a lot, there may be an element of them being used to not needing to consider you as much, not out of unkindness but because you’re not physically there always?

claudiawinklemansfringetrimmer · 23/11/2024 18:44

Honestly if I wanted to do something with DD I wouldn’t run it past DH unless it was expensive or inconvenient. I do get that it must feel lonely if it’s every night though

Pleasegetchristmasoverwith · 23/11/2024 18:44

Have you tried talking to your DH about how you feel?
He should be setting aside some time to spend with you.
It's totally not fair if you are always sidelined.

Original poster

WindyMillerSmith · 23/11/2024 18:43

TheChosenTwo · 23/11/2024 18:41

Is this a 7 nights a week plan?

There is never a plan. I work away a fair bit and DS is usually gaming with friends. I’m just feeling unconsidered.

OP posts: