Feeling guilty about my Sh$t father

The joke about you looking after him for a change would have made my blood boil and my phone break - I would have called time right then and there.

Dont go back.

For gids sake block him and vow never to see him again. He is using you like he used all those poor women. I have no idea why you feel guilt.
Do you honestly think he would give a shit if you were on your death bed.

Well done OP!

Don't feel guilty. Why should you put yourself out for a father who dismissed you so easily. I've got one of those and If he ever contacted me for help, I wouldn't hesitate to put him straight.

Well done OP. It will continue to get easier now you've put your foot down.

If you help him then the community support will be less supportive. If he's alone he becomes a higher priority.

Ditto and your Dh are right though.
Jettison the nasty old bastard.

I wouldn’t give him the time of day OP.

Just block him. Honestly you will feel much better and zero guilt whatsoever. Why are you spending money that should be for YOUR family and your children and you on this waste of oxygen? I was NC with my shite dad for 25 years and even when local authority carers somehow got hold of my number and tried to guilt trip me, I just waved them on.

Choices have consequences, he made his choice - putting getting his dick wet first before his children. You owe him nothing.

This is fucking disgraceful.

He is using you.

I’d send messages in response to his demands saying: I’m sorry that’s not possible for me as my hands are full and I’m 6 hours away.

I can also relate to this very much. my dad was a very neglectful shit dad who I actually hated at times growing up. I remember feeling so jealous of my friends dads and would wish I had a dad like theirs. Dad simply just wasn't interested in me and i was right at the bottom of his priorities list.
Now my dad is a dementia sufferer with terminal cancer and here I am being the dutiful daughter and looking after him. I'm finding it all very stressful and it's taking up a huge amount of my life. I know 100% he wouldn't be doing the same for me if I was the one ill and he was well. I have many moments when I think of how he's been as a father and I think why the hell am I caring for him and making myself ill with stress.
I just cannot seem to walk away and feel immense guilt and pressure and as though it's my duty as his daughter to be there for him. it's an awful situation to be in.

I feel for you. You are obviously a lovely person but I think you need to let social services take over now.

He’s waited until he’s in his 90s and near death and I’d bet my bottom dollar you are the only person left and he wouldn’t have contacted you otherwise. He’s clearly burnt his bridges with everyone else.

When he asks you for something again be firm and say you owe him nothing. He sounds incredibly self centred.

When someone gets to his ripe old age and has nobody at all in their life that tells you everything you need to know about a person. He is now reaping the consequences of his actions,

Have you told him you’ve seen he has thousands stashed away when he pleads poverty? Tell him he can afford his own shopping, perhaps you’ll order but he’s paying for it. Tell him also it is not your turn to look after him because he never looked after you and hasn’t earned it. I know all this is so easy to say from the outside. It must be so hard x

My parents are dead, I could not stand them, wont go into details, I think you should pull back and take his calls every three days.
I don't think you should entirely leave him to it, for your sake not his, as you want a clear conscience when the inevitable happens.
Set him up a account for his shopping but ask for his bank details, he won't have to pay the cab fare then.

He’ll be dead soon, and hopefully you’ll inherit any money he has. Have a look around for a Will

@Dotto is right.

Spending your time and money on counselling instead.

Tell him how much cash you have spent settling his bills and ask him to reimburse you OP.

Sounds like you've done more for him recently than he's ever done for you.

If you don't want to do anymore - which is perfectly understandable and as others have said, you don't owe him anything - pass him over to local social services. Tell them you are not involved in his life and won't be able to assist.

Guilt is a terrible thing and you might need to have some therapy to work through it.

Thinking of you OP 💐

You swung into action because you're a good person.

He is now asking for more than you are able to give. Even if he had been "dad of the year" then calls multiple times a day plus organising and paying for shopping would be a lot and not something you should feel obliged to do.

Decide if you want to be in contact or provide any support at all. Eg would you set up a weekly shop if he pays for it. Would you call him once a fortnight or month to talk to him. Would you be named for social/health care teams to feed back about care needs. Would you visit him in hospital if he is readmitted?

Talk with your DH about what feels OK - to do nothing and block him is fine, to do one, some or all of the above things is fine. Trying to do everything from afar with your own life and the backstory is not fine.

OP, blood is not thicker than water. He wasn’t a father to you. He was awful to you, your mother and sibling. What is it exactly that he therefore deserves from you?. So what if he is 90, so what that he is sick? Where was he when you needed him? Where was he when your mum needed him, especially when she miscarried her baby, when she had to look after you as a single mother? I wouldn’t let him have his cake and eat it. Walk away from him, like he walked away from you, and put yourself and husband first.

Ha. My dad was also a terrible parent and I've been NC with him since I was 12. I wouldn't piss on the man if he was on fire and I wouldn't even want to speak to him so you're a better person than me! You've done more than enough.