To ignore MIL about this (TW infant loss)

My Birthday is on Christmas Day. My FIL died on Christmas Day last year while we were all together. It will never be the same for my DH's family and I would not even think of making a fuss. That's abhorrent.

She doesn't want you to post about your child, her grandchild, because it would upset her?

Wtf.

For her to sit there and think about the loss of your beautiful baby, and twist it into you having to change your behaviour so as not to upset her is an extraordinary level of selfish.

I've been a bereaved parent for most of my life at this point, and, in the early days, made all sorts of concessions so my grief didn't impact other people, I felt guilty, I didn't want to upset anyone, but I put my own grieving and feelings on hold because of it, and learned the hard way that it isn't healthy.

At this point I wouldn't even bother going to celebrate her day when she can't even bear to acknowledge yours, but I understand that would be difficult. You should either remove her from SM altogether, or tell her you will be commemorating your dd so suggest she removes you.

You shouldn't have to think about anyone else but your baby while making that post.

I hope the day passes as gently as it can for you.

I think she's awful for suggesting it.

It's very easy to set up a filter on fb to only show certain things to certain people. Just cut her out for the one day, post your picture, and then carry on.
She'll probably be savvy enough to know that you'll post it anyway, but the old adage "what she doesn't know won't hurt her" rings true here.

Unfortunately this sort of thing happens often. A very dear friend of mine gave birth to her first child on the same day my dad died. Now whenever she does her "Happy birthday X!" yearly post, I'm reminded how many years my dad has been gone.
I'd never dream of asking her not to post.

I think what she, an adult, has requested is outrageous.

Your DH surprises me too.

Yeah, you can make a lists on facebook for your posts who will specifically see if, you could do something like that.

I'd change your settings so that MIL doesn't see, but also give her a heads up that it's what you're doing. Say that it will be very difficult because you won't be able to visit your DD, and that posting on SM helps because you want people to remember her.
In case someone else from the family sees the post and mentions it to your MIL...

I'd also add that if I were the MIL, I would make a point each year on my birthday to remember the loss of GDG, have her present in some way (picture for her, her name appearing somewhere on the cake or banner/balloons, having candles lit for her or a minute of silence etc.) I would make a point of sharing this important date with her ❤️💔

There’s only one scenario in which I would agree to put my grief aside for someone’s birthday and that would be for a child. She’s behaving like a child. Agree with other posters, I’m shocked she’d be so insensitive to ask - wether it bums her out or not. A child relationship trumps a mother-in-law relationship. It may be her big day in her life but it isn’t yours.

I'm so sorry for your loss 💔 You have the right to commemorate your child however way you want, on whichever day you want. Your MIL doesn't get to dictate that, and if she feels bummed down by it, it's a her problem and feelings that she has to deal with. It's not your responsibility to manage her feelings (you've got your own to manage which i guess mustn't be easy). I would say something like "I understand that it isn't easy to be thinking about our beloved DD/DGD on your birthday, which is a celebration day. I'm afraid that as her mum, I cannot disregard her memory to accommodate others, so I hope you understand that I will commemorate her on the day of her loss. I can hide the post from your account if that helps."

This seems the best compromise. Sorry for your loss.

as pp's have mentioned @BellaSignoraa and just in case you need detailed steps

https://www.lifewire.com/how-to-hide-specific-facebook-posts-from-nosy-people-2487421

Yabu to ever consider not marking your dd on the correct date wherever you choose.. ... Mil can get over herself. Maybe unfriend her full stop? She sounds a real brat.
Send back can she change her birthday celebration because you will be only thinking about your dd.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You should remember your DD is whatever way you choose. I'm shocked she would suggest you wait to be honest.

I think she's been insensitive. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I would temporarily block her for the day if she's so worried about her mood.

Yes...you can click to 'hide post from' and then select. I know it's there but can't remember the options off the top of my head.

It's how you see the 'Hi everyone, I'm throwing a surprise party for X' posts - they just hide it from that one person.

I'd block her from the post to avoid her bringing it up with me again. But I think she's awful for asking.

So sorry op. Do whatever you need to do to mark the anniversary. Very unempathetic form mil

That was an awful thing for her to ask you. I think you're very good to be visiting her on that weekend, it would be very understandable if you weren't up to it. I don't know why she didn't move the main celebration of her birthday by a week tbh.

She has no right to request that. Sorry for your loss x

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I lost my first baby son many many years ago and I still think about him almost daily. Losing your child is a life changing experience imo.
I think your MiL is really lacking in empathy and is being very selfish. You need to mark the anniversary in the way that is right for you and which helps you to cope with your very natural feelings.
And you need to tell her that whilst you don't want to upset her you need to post your In Memorium message.

She’s being very unreasonable.
Put the post up, remember your baby, but yes, hide it from her x

Your loss means more than her birthdays. Post what you want.

Yes when you make your post there’s a drop down for audience with options like public and friends. There’s one for Friends except…