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Original poster

To ignore MIL about this (TW infant loss)

56 replies

BellaSignoraa · 23/11/2024 09:15

Next weekend will be the anniversary of the loss of our first baby. Unfortunately the day is also my MILs birthday, a big birthday this year. I have always hated this being the same day and I know it can’t be easy for MIL, who I generally have a good relationship with.

I the last 4 years I have just put a little post on social media to mark DD on this day. Nothing gushy or horrid, usually just a little foot picture and name with a heart in the caption. I’m not a massive SM user but on that day it makes me feel like she’s not being forgotten about.

MIL has asked me not to post it this year and could I wait until the next day. She uses SM a lot more than me. She doesn’t want to be bummed out on her big birthday and we are going to be having a celebration on that day.

I do get it, but it hurts my heart a little bit that we will be having a nice time without acknowledging DD. We are at the ILs for the weekend. Part of me knows that none of it really matters and the most important thing is that we are thinking of her, and we do everyday so why use one day to mark it more? But I’m struggling with how I feel about it. Part of me hates that I even care about sharing it 🤣

I was thinking of just doing it anyway but would that BU?

(yes I have spoken to DH about it. He doesn’t really get it from either perspective.. or he’s just saying that to keep out of it)

OP posts:
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CC222 · 26/11/2024 19:21

BellaSignoraa · 26/11/2024 18:02

Flying out in the morning. Took flowers today. Much harder than I thought it would be leaving when we won’t be here

Spoke to MIL and I am going to put a post first thing in the morning. With people gathering about 3pm it shouldn’t be disruptive or like I’m moping through her celebration (which I am still looking forward to). She said she understands and we are all going to light a candle together on the day 💖 thanks all.

It seems like she didn’t want people to feel awkward if they were reminded of the date, but we’ve agreed ignoring it could be worse and create an elephant in the room type scenario

Well handled with your MIL.
Aside from that, I can't imagine the feelings you felt leaving flowers knowing you can't visit on the day, when that has always been so important to you. You're still honouring your baby though and no matter where you are in the world, your baby will always be in your heart. Sending love 💕

Zanatdy · 26/11/2024 18:28

I think she’s incredibly rude to ask that. How heartless. She should want to remember her grandaughter on the anniversary

Pleasegetchristmasoverwith · 26/11/2024 18:24

I'm glad you and your MiL have come to an agreement OP.
It's very hard for you
Your lovely DD will be in your heart for ever.

Original poster
BellaSignoraa · 26/11/2024 18:02

Flying out in the morning. Took flowers today. Much harder than I thought it would be leaving when we won’t be here

Spoke to MIL and I am going to put a post first thing in the morning. With people gathering about 3pm it shouldn’t be disruptive or like I’m moping through her celebration (which I am still looking forward to). She said she understands and we are all going to light a candle together on the day 💖 thanks all.

It seems like she didn’t want people to feel awkward if they were reminded of the date, but we’ve agreed ignoring it could be worse and create an elephant in the room type scenario

OP posts:
cherish123 · 23/11/2024 15:26

You MIL is being childish and unreasonable.

InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 23/11/2024 13:22

margegunderson · 23/11/2024 13:15

I don't think she should have asked - but losing her granddaughter is an enduring hurt for her too and on a day that's special to her. Hiding your post is a good solution.

It's not even remotely comparable to what op is going through.

The grandparent shouldn't be asking anything from the parent in this situation, it's their job to be supportive only and they can get support from elsewhere.

If she truly didn't want to see anything that day on social media she should have quietly sorted it by blocking ops posts or just not going on social media that day, not ask a bereaved parent to be quiet about her own child so she doesn't get bummed out.

MarketValveForks · 23/11/2024 13:18

ShamblesRock · 23/11/2024 09:18

Sorry for your loss.

Can you post it but change your settings so she can't see it?

This

It's easy to exclude an individual person from a facebook post.

The next day you can change the settings back to everyone-can-view again so she can give her love/care emoji if that's her thing.

Sorry for your loss. It's ok to accept that the pain never goes away.

margegunderson · 23/11/2024 13:15

I don't think she should have asked - but losing her granddaughter is an enduring hurt for her too and on a day that's special to her. Hiding your post is a good solution.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 23/11/2024 12:23

So sorry for your loss. If it helps you to post on SM to remember DD, you should feel absolutely free to do so. Block MIL first so that she doesn't have to see it though.
In your position I might not go to her birthday weekend though. Not to make a point (I'd send her the usual card and present etc) but because it would be too upsetting.

backawayfatty1 · 23/11/2024 12:19

Sounds like you have had some good advice with social media. You could light a candle or lantern x

anicecuppateaa · 23/11/2024 11:59

AnneShirleysNewDress · 23/11/2024 09:50

I'm so sorry for your loss. You should remember your DD is whatever way you choose. I'm shocked she would suggest you wait to be honest.

Agree with this. If one of my family suggested I didn’t post anything related to late dd on her birthday or the anniversary of her death, I’m not sure I would be speaking to them again. People are so self absorbed.

BarbaraHoward · 23/11/2024 11:12

BellaSignoraa · 23/11/2024 11:02

I think if I were in her shoes I would find it very hard as well. So trying to be gracious, I know it’s not always easy to know the best thing to do/say

You're very kind. Flowers

MBL · 23/11/2024 11:05

You are a very nice person OP. It's hard to see others views on such a tragedy. So very sorry for your loss.

Original poster
BellaSignoraa · 23/11/2024 11:02

I think if I were in her shoes I would find it very hard as well. So trying to be gracious, I know it’s not always easy to know the best thing to do/say

OP posts:
Original poster
BellaSignoraa · 23/11/2024 11:00

I don’t think she means it in a horrible way at all. We don’t live in the same country but we generally have a good relationship and she goes out of her way to speak to me separately and not just go through DH all the time. This is the first time in ages the whole family will be together and I think she is just trying to make it as nice as possible and in her head that would help? I’m going to post anyway, blocking her, and give her a heads up/give her the chance to change her mind.

thanks so much all 💖

OP posts:
CC222 · 23/11/2024 10:55

Post about your baby, and continue your tradition of making sure she is remembered on this day. 💕
The world doesn't stop because MIL has a big birthday! How insensitive of her to expect you to postpone your memories, and your heartache until she's had her special moment! If she suggests this nonsense again, how about you suggest she postpones her big celebrations by a day, so it doesn't overshadow the pain you feel from one of the biggest losses of your life... How dare she!!
I'm so sorry for your loss, and you should honour your baby at any time, and in any way that you desire 💕

harriethoyle · 23/11/2024 10:31

Another one who thinks your mil has been very insensitive and unkind. So sorry for your loss.

Lifeglowup · 23/11/2024 10:31

Tell her that she is free you block you for the day or forever.

WetBandits · 23/11/2024 10:29

clickclack8 · 23/11/2024 09:20

this

but i imagine not enough drama for mumsnet

Show quote history

What a cruel thing to say about someone who has lost their baby.

Cookiecrumblepie · 23/11/2024 10:28

Very selfish of your MIL. You are allowed to commemorate your daughter however you wish.

Remind your MIL not to pass on your birthday in future or she won’t be remembered as that clashes. How ridiculous.

Legoninjago1 · 23/11/2024 10:27

Also Flowers

Legoninjago1 · 23/11/2024 10:26

She's acting like a melodramatic, spoilt teenager. It's social media ffs. Block her from the post.

Annabella92 · 23/11/2024 10:26

I'm so sorry for your loss. What a nasty selfish request from your MIL

Namechangedforspooky · 23/11/2024 10:22

This is awful. Why should you hide your grief? I would post it anyway, maybe after her celebration but the same day. Depends if you want a showdown with MiL or not if she dares mention it.
Look after yourself, I can’t imagine how hard this day normally is x

Novemberisfinallyhere · 23/11/2024 10:18

I'm so sorry for your loss. But I just want to say you do what YOU want to do. Your MIL is being very insensitive.