To feel sad all the school mums and dads are close

I once went to some mothers meet up. They were mostly ex teachers and SAH mothers. When they talked about somebody being exhausted after going back to work part-time with a toddler, I was thinking about me going back to a full-time professional job six when the baby was 6 weeks old. I realised this wasnt my tribe. We had absolutely nothing in common. Do you have anything in common with these parents?

Are you different in any way to the other mums?

I am a scruff and tend to be older than the other nursery mums so I think people assume I'm either too poor to be of interest (it's a posh area) or a grandparent

Not clapping for all the kids is horrible, what awful people!
I experienced this a bit when DD was friends with 3 other girls in her class who all lived close to each other, while we live further out. DD felt very excluded as she didn’t get to walk home with the girls and go back to someone’s house (the parents took it in turns to do pick up and have the girls for a couple of hours after school). They didn’t think to include her, and by extension me for after school things.

That sounds really harsh Op. I think you should have a discreet discussion with the head or deputy head about how they are behaving at school events. Only clapping for their own children and their mates' children and not others is not acceptable. Parents should be supporting all the dcs.

What size school is it and are you local? I was not local and deemed very posh as a Southerner in an ex mining town. DH and I moved when first married and ended up living between the 2 cities we both worked in. I sometimes had to wear a suit and am also mixed race so stood out like a sore thumb. I’m good at spinning a yarn and confident so that was my way in. I made two very good friends, kid are 23 now. So it can be done but I think humans have a bit of a herd mentality and it maybe just how it’s been.

Where I grew up on the South coast incomers especially if from London were not liked, semi rural and everyone knew everyone. All very parochial.

They were rude. To not clap for another child. It feels unpleasant to be on the outside of a clique, but frankly that doesn’t sound like a friendship group that would be nice to be part of.

I really don't know why people get their knickers in a twist so much about school holidays and friendships, who knows what connection these people have, nursery, clubs, friendships pre school??
Just take your child to school, smile, drop off, job done

The clique is usually the loudest and most visible. But they're in the minority. Far more parents are outside the clique than in. You alluded to it with the quiet person you sat with. Start noticing all the people not in the clique.

Ultimately though focus on your DC. You're only there for their wellbeing. So long as they have friendships and you are doing your best to support that you are doing very well. Who gives a crap if there's other events going on, you'd do well to instill confidence frankly since cliques happen everywhere.

Don't waste another second thinking about them!

How big is the group OP? How many other parents are there?

If it's 29 families all excluding you then you have a point but if it's a smaller group then it is just a group of friends. Do you think they should be inviting 30 children and parents for pizza?

People don't have to make friends with everyone just because you have a child in their class.

Sidestepping all the “are you sure you want to be friends with them” chat, I think the way to get in is to be really involved with the school. Volunteer as class rep or in the classroom (for reading or whatever). You’ll meet parents in small groups regularly that way and build up relationships. A group from our class are currently meeting regularly in the evenings to prep for the school fair, lots of chat and booze and sewing they’ll obviously be firm friends after that. Then there’s the clubs, I stand on the side of a football field every week with a bunch of the parents where we chat and over the course of a year or two those relationships become more meaningful. I think these are more effective ways to make friends than volunteering at events or meeting at play dates as those are one-offs and probably won’t get you past the “friendly nod” stage!

I love the contrast of this post and your username 🤣

I usually can’t stand it when people make accusations of cliques as people are allowed to find friends. But only clapping for the group’s children is seriously shitty behaviour. I clap every child, every time - doesn’t everyone? I wouldn’t want to be friends with people like that TBH OP so maybe give up the ghost.

It’s all so fake and cliquey- we have this group of parents in my youngest son’s year. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest and in fact I keep my distance on purpose.
These people are not your friends op and you would be wise as someone said upthread to seek out nicer people in the school community.

There might not be many but I am sure there will be some and they will be a lot kinder and nicer than these group of people you are describing.

Stop trying to be part of this crowd. Why on earth are you scrambling to be friends with people who don't want to be friends with you?

I was never close with any of the school parents. Never bothered me at all. Our lifestyles were just very different and we didn't have much in common (I was a teenager when I had DS so a bit of an anomaly) I got on well enough with a couple to have a chat with but never did anything socially with them.

No real advice as I was in similar situation. That was primary school. Transition to secondary was interesting as “cliques” fell apart. Not having as many events/no pick ups / drop offs / small enough school to know who their child’s “competitors” were meant some of the “friendships” either disappeared or got significantly diluted. They are probably not your people, your people are probably the others who feel like you but not as visible.

I feel for you OP. I could have written your post a year ago. I kept on making a huge effort with certain key people and I'm included now so you can do it if you really want to. But I've found that I still feel like a bit of a hanger- on, so it hasn't really solved those feelings. Also I've discovered that I really don't have much in common with a lot of them, so I care less about it all now (it's easier to figure out how I actually feel about people now I'm not so excluded and distracted by wanting to get 'in'). I've found one mum i really connect with outside that group. Keep being lovely and making a social effort and you'll find your people.

It's sad that you feel alone, but also that you are somehow begrudging those other families having friendships. People can't always invite 29 other families to every restaurant trip or other event, which doesn't mean they don't like you, just that they have people they already know better and like.

With the quiet one who didn't work out, that's OK, some people are harder to click with, particularly if you don't have similar interests. There will be other parents in the class to make friends with, look around again.

I genuinely don’t want to be friends with the sort of people that exclude kids if they’re not interested in/don’t like their parents

these people are dicks and I will actively avoid them

Just ignore them. I have children of various ages in the school system and over the years I learned its best to keep yourself to yourself and don't get involved with cliquey types - you're doing yourself a favour! Trust me. Don't get involved with the drama.

There will always be the 'clique' at school, there definitely is in my oldest year. I am friends/acquaintances with nearly all the clique members individually due to my oldest being good friends with theirs, but when they are together it's like no one else exists, I'm completely ignored.
But my youngest year group is much better, there us a small clique who all know each other since they were children, but also lots of lovely mums and dads. A year in with my youngest I have far more friends than 4 years in with my oldest.
Sometimes unfortunately it's just luck of the draw with the parents your child happens to be in a class with, nothing you have done wrong.
Try to keep communication with them open, for the sake of your child, but don't feel like you have to be friends with them. A parent in the oldest year decided to start openly moaning about the clique, then her child stopped being invited to many of the parties.
You might find your 'tribe' with your youngest like I did.

I say this on all the threads but life is far too short to be worried about what school mums think about you. I run into school last minute in the mornings and they go to after school club after school so I gave no interaction at all really and I don't care.

I have plenty of friends and my kids have friends so I don't really care, just start to reframe it and realise you don't need them.

But play dates are for the children, not the parents!