Second-homer wanting to be part of the community

OP, just give them their key back when they're next visiting, tell them that you're just not able to commit to being the keyholder and that there are a number of home care agencies in the nearest town who would no doubt be delighted to add them to their books. They can pay someone to let builders and painters etc in. That's an easy fix.

The friendship thing is different. It's really difficult when you feel your private and social life is being invaded. My own sister did it to me when she moved to my area. Suddenly, my friends were also her best friends, and it caused a lot of tension as she crossed boundaries and got some way towards pushing me to the side and out, unintentionally, before it all settled. I hated her for a while and deeply regretted not just letting her find her own way. She's capable, it was just easier to tag onto my life for the first year or two.

The fact that you seem to feel she's using you to gain access the easy way is what I'd find irritating. You don't even know her well, certainly not well enough yourself to be her "free pass" into all the activities you do. One or two, fair enough. Introduce her to a few folk at the pub quiz night. Lovely. Point her towards the community council membership, or the local environmental group, or the volunteer beach clean group. Even better. But be expected to invite her to dinner parties with your friends when you hardly know her yourself? Hard no from me.

Op is not their local tourist guide, I think that's the point of the post. If the neighbour wants to be involved they quite capable of doing a bit of research and getting themselves involved rather than asking op what's on.

I have flip flopped while reading the comments and this I think has swung it for me! I’d be irritated about this - quite rude to shoehorn your way into your neighbour’s social/personal moments whether in the country or the city. I don’t think this is necc about country/city but more her approach which if the book club invite is anything to go by I would find a bit intrusive wherever I lived. I’m city and love my neighbours, such great community here, but also love boundaries and being able to feel anonymous in my back garden when I need to retreat. If I were you I’d maybe be much more straightforward with her when she does this, as a soft no or subtlety doesn’t work. ‘Actually this is my book group and my personal social life so I’m going to go alone, but it’s great you want to be involved in village life - there’s a church service happening on this date and they’re keen for flower arrangers, perhaps you’d like to come along to that?’ Obvs the above is badly put but something that draws a line around your personal life clearly to her, and points to genuine avenues for her to get involved. I think that often in life straightforward communication is the key and more loving. So you probably need to have a good think about what your own boundaries are, again not a city/country thing but just personalities and living/life thing, and just spell that out clearly to her. You’ll prob feel much better after setting the relationship in a way that’s comfortable for you, and she’ll prob integrate much better if she finds her own way in the usual way through making connections in more public life rather than sort of piggybacking on individuals’ social calendars.

Yes, that's true, but it's a big risk to make for a community that is hostile to newcomers.

My sister and her husband are both doctors and ended up leaving a city to settle permanently in the area where they had a second home, in part because they had found it to be such a welcoming community. They certainly wouldn't have made such a big move for a place they'd been made to feel like unwelcome outsiders.

And your retired person might well be the person who takes on the village fete and your WFH person might be out there every weekend litter picking.

@w10mum3 A teacher or Dr moving is far more likely to be moving for good, or at least a long time. Its the retired people or the people wfh who may move quickly.

There are frequent threads on her by adults struggling to make friends. They are told to join clubs, find hobbies, volunteer, go and meet people. put the effort in.
Obviously the answer is to move to a village and they all should become your friend as that’s the kind thing to do. Easy.

Yes, and those are the places that struggle badly to find and retain essential service providers, like doctors and teachers and builders. I don't know many rural areas in the that are suffering from a surfeit of people in of those kinds of jobs. Perhaps they would do well to think about those attitudes generally.

I don’t really think it is. It’s overblown distinction. It’s certainly a way for society to divide and not be welcoming. We all go on holiday.Maybe the “local” is unwelcome in another holiday area when they rent a house? Swings and roundabouts. It is very dismissive of a standard thing we do and houses are sold on the open market. No one can dictate who buys them.

I think someone coming to live is completely different to someone holidaying.

I don’t want to derail, but I imagine the experience would be even worse.

It seems to me the OP approaches “friendships” in much the same way as the newcomer (do we still call her that? she’s been there 2 years!). A very transactional way - will not invest unless there is return. Sad overall. As I’ve mentioned several times, I understand not everyone has to be everyone’s best friend but FFS not because they are incomers, newcomers, second homers.

That's a very narrow view.
Newcomers who want to make their permanent home there are welcome, those who just want to holiday but be treated like permanent residents are taking the proverbial imho. OP needs to clearly set boundaries.

Life is precious and short. I think it’s quite arrogant to expect people to immediately invest in you when they don’t know you well and have their own stuff to do. Friendships do take time. Thats not being unfriendly that’s actually being an honest and good person

It feels to me like you are being used OP. Very much a one sided friendship, where you are on call as and when needed to update these people on life and include them in things. I think you should just be frank and say “look, I don’t have time to be your social secretary. You’re welcome here but you have to make your own way. Please don’t message me to arrange book clubs or activities for you. I’ll be delighted to see you at events but I really can’t take on more mental load”.

@DieStrassensindimmernass Both are potentially excluded though! Newcomers not wanted!

An immigrant moving to live there isn't the same as someone holidaying there.

That poor woman moving to a place and having to beg crumbs from the table for four years. I'm assuming she was a full time resident and not a second homer too or the OP would have mentioned that.

Most people who go to university do so for less than four years, have an amazing time of shared experiences and make friends to last a lifetime all the while knowing they'll be moving on.

All those villagers and incomers missing out on relationships that could happy, mutually beneficial and long lasting. Just makes you realise how narrow minded and mean spirited some people can be. No wonder some villages are miserable little places with aging populations with closing shops and shortages of volunteers. I suppose they get what they deserve.

ChocolateTelephone · Today 14:32
They sound like a pain in the arse and I don’t know why so many posters on this thread are going out of their way to pretend they’d be fine with this when in real life it would irritate them just as much as it’s irritating you.

Many of us posters haven't suggested we'd be fine with it. We've suggested that the OP either sets boundaries she's happy with or directs the second homers towards volunteering/fund raising/community projects in which they can become involved, make friends and contribute to the village.

She's never acknowledged or answered those suggestions. She just wants to moan.

I thought Robert Jenrick was younger.

They haven’t done their time in the community, clearly.

Does it?
Why?

They sound like a pain in the arse and I don’t know why so many posters on this thread are going out of their way to pretend they’d be fine with this when in real life it would irritate them just as much as it’s irritating you.

Its obviously not the case that you want them to be frozen out or excluded from village life. Your issue is with their expectation that you’re all actors waiting in the wings for them to show up so that you can perform community and connection on demand as required.

It would be a different thing entirely if they’d actually taken steps to involve themselves in the community in a helpful way - by volunteering, joining committees, offering help etc. - and got to know people in an organic way. Instead, they’re hoping to be presented with fun on a plate whenever it’s convenient for them.

Its the fact that they clearly see themselves as the Main Characters, instead of recognising that they’re a small part of a large community and that it’s on them to find a meaningful way of participating. You aren’t the director of a holiday camp, however they seem to view it.

Still, they brought some excitement with them. Gossiping amongst “the community”.

Which is exactly why so many of them went to the BBQ. If they hate second homers that much, they could have just declined the invitation - but why do that when there’s free food and booze on offer, plus the chance to gawp at the newbies and mentally criticise their taste in soft furnishings, with plenty of material for a bitch fest later?

The entire community of Lewis had hurt feeling as people they liked moved away, so decided, en masse, to enforce a waiting period for friendships.

But they newcomers are not moving in or living in OP’S house.
Yes, they have asked for them to put the heating on etc but OP could just say it wasn't convenient.

As for them trying to join in with community nowt wrong with that.

Op appears to be slightly resentful of them and possibly jealous of the newcomers making friends in the village

Op has a higher status although she moved from London she moved permanently so she deserves to be accepted.

Stinks of envy from the OP IMO.