Accepting your kids abilities

If your younger child is y3 or over and you can afford dyslexia assessment, it's well worth it.

Both of mine are dyslexic. DS1 with added autism and dyspraxia. Both are strong at technical subjects like maths, and middling in English/ language subjects. DS2 is much happier for understanding why he struggles and that it's a brain wiring issue (that can come with some perks of alternative thinking abilities) rather than being "stupid" which sadly is how he felt about himself before diagnosis. Around the time we were struggling with school, Jay Blades did the documentary about learning to read at 50, and it was empowering for DS seeing that sucessful adults can struggle too (I know he's been recently discredited for his personal behaviour, but it was a valuable documentary for readers who struggle)
DS2 is happier at secondary than primary. The curriculum is more rich and varied and less hung up on obscure grammar.

It's the effort of reading that I would change with a magic wand. I would also calm DS1's sensory issues. These are the aspects of them that affect their enjoyment and cost effort the most without fundamentally changing them as people. We want our children to thrive and it's hard when there's something beyond our means to facilitate for them.

I had a good cry about it recently OP. My DD15 is AuDHD. Lovely girl but obviously the format of education isn't set up for success for her. It's a long story but shortened her school are saying she will only get 5s so they won't accept her for Sixth form.

Positioning failure in a positive way is hard.

As parents we remain resilient, we work the problems but yes I have cried about it

Please let yourself feel this grief. It is normal and totally healthy. Your life will not be how you expected and neither will yours kids and mourning the loss will help you to reframe things and move on.

I think school creates failure in children and puts them under so much stress that it triggers mental health and behavioral issues. It’s a miserable unsupportive environment with lessons that are boring and unimaginative (based on my daughter’s lessons which are mainly power points). How can a kid focus on algebra when they have to stay on high alert around the classroom bully? I had high hopes for my daughter academically but now we are moving her to vocational training as mainstream school has turned her into a fearful, burnt out teen.
30 years ago kids would be leaving school at 15 and going into apprenticeships, they would be out interacting with the world and learning an occupation. Now they are stuck in a dog eat dog classroom with other anxious kids all frightened of failure.
So to sum up, if it wasn’t for our rigid, draconian, failing school system your kids would probably be happy and thriving.

Could you afford a tutor for the younger one so he can get some help to support his school work?

Parenting children with additional needs is HARD and it's ok to feel grief about the life you thought you'd have.

One thing I would say is that if your children are ND, probably you or their dad is ND (I know you said he's dyslexic but it's quite possible there's more than that) - and as far as I read it, you are both doing well as adults. So what I am saying is that your kids may surprise you when they become adults, find their niche, find their tribe and soar.

Luckily for them they have a loving and sensitive mum like you.

You know you always assume things will be good for them?

And they still can be. Childhood is a very small part of life. Also, when you think you brother's kids are happier and their lives is fuller, you should also think that their happiness is perceived by you as greater only because of what you think happiness and easy life means. Happiness probably looks different for your kids.
As an autistic person, I had hard time in mainstream school. The educational system was a bad fit for me despite me being generally quite academic. So I don't cherish the memory of school. Having said that, I have an amazing life now. I rediscovered my passion for learning as an adult and went on to complete two degrees and now work on a clinical research project. I am still iffy with my personal communications and I perform best when I sit alone surrounded by books and research papers. While my contemporaries were busy getting married and making babies, I travelled the world. While my parents were worried about me "not being able to hold down a job", I was working in 5 different industries as a young adult and now have an amazing skillset which serves me well in life. I am on my 6th career at the moment and, due to previous diverse experiences, I've progressed to the top of the pay scale in 18 months as opposed to 5+ years. I was bullied by classmates and teachers because I couldn't perform in PE due to dyspraxia. I am now very physical, teach yoga to disabled children in my spare time and prepare for my first powerlifting competition. Those sports were not available to me at school.
Your kids will also have strengths which are perceived by others as weaknesses. And they won't learn to lean into their strengths while they are locked in a cookie-cutter educational system. But they will later, either through sheer determination or with your support. So don't despair. Help them to lean into what matters to them as this is their happy place.

Totally understand. My teen daughter was diagnosed with autism a year ago. Her life has become so small. She doesn't leave her room much, only manages school one day a week at most.
Single parent so have no social life or friends. It's hard seeing everyone else's kids doing so much on social media so I try to avoid it.
I try to focus on all the amazing things about her that no one else sees but I just wish life was easier for her.
Sending hugs you're not alone x

I get you op. Just can't help but wonder with your comment on youngest if he could br dyslexic?

Dd2 and dd3 are both dyslexic and I regret not seeking diagnosis earlier.

They both found their grove at uni where dyslexia is supported so much better (was where dd2 got her official diagnosis I wish we had paid privately years before)

However it's hard when you watch your children struggle.

YANBU. It isn't easy at all.

It is often harder for ND children, and IMO harder to parent too. It’s hard. Try not to compare although I know that’s also hard not to do

I get you OP. Both of mine are ND but in mainstream. It just feels like everything is harder. I teach and I see kids the same age growing into these motivated, switched on, independent young adults with a plan for life and mine are still so needy and unwilling to grasp the nettle. I often wonder what it would be like to parent kids who look outwards and think about what they can do in the world instead of what the works ought to do for them.

We all want good things for our kids and the adjustments when you realise it's not going to be simple is different degrees of hard depending on what you're faced with. YANBU.