Accepting your kids abilities

I think you are all brilliant, just realising there is something to mourn and also (sometimes tiny) things to celebrate. ❤️

I have autism and other disabilities, obviously not affected to the extent of some of your DC.

I know my parents will have struggled and may still with what could be, because I struggle as well seeing others my age doing better. I was fine with the academic bit but it is managing in the world. I struggle managing household (no partner or kids so no grandchildren) and a job.

My parents have been great praising. Accepting some achievements will be the same such as (for me) exams others like just this year once being able to ask a neighbour to help me.

I love my parents dearly even if I can’t always express it to either - mum NT and dad not to extent as me.?

DH and I have said a number of times we all need tshirts saying You Have No Idea How Much Effort It Takes To Seem This Normal...

DD goes quite mad on public transport at the end of the day. Pole dancing on the hanging straps. Now I know it's a sensory thing but I do die slightly each time. I feel disapproval from the other commuters and fair enough.

DH is almost certainly AuDHD himself which dawned on him only when DD was diagnosed.

I completely get where you are coming from! We sent our DC (who was later diagnosed with ADHD and ASD at 7) to a rather hothouse kind of primary, attracted by the wraparound and holiday care.

She had a good time but was increasingly obviously different to the others whose parents had them on a strict track to grammar/independent.

But! At her comprehensive she's now doing very well and is learning a lot more. She is, astonishingly, enjoying maths. The meltdowns we had over maths hw at primary! She's also learning languages well having barely learnt a word at primary.

Children can really surprise you. They develop at different rates. The environment can make such a difference.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I think this is so important.

Each and every one of us will have assumed, during pregnancy that our child will be capable, able, funny, kind, sociable, clever, sporty even (some adjustments per individual, but you get what I mean) and for most people, the thought of a disability or and Neurodiversity doesn't cross their radar at that point. So when additional needs become apparent, I think it is really healthy to grieve for the baby you were expecting, then reset and enjoy the child you have. It's not talked about enough.

I was sad about it, until I got the child in “the right” school and now I’m optimistic. My square peg will never fit a round hole, but when it comes to corners he’s 90 degrees.

Ive shed many years, been jealous, been angry, I suppose the stages of grief? But currently I’m optimistic.

I have two ND children who are now young adults, neither enjoyed school and my youngest actively hated their time there. It was very hard, stressful and heartbreaking. I cannot express how happy I felt the day my youngest left school. The education system here really makes it hard for ND kids. Not enough specialist schools and inflexibility for those who can survive mainstream. I am glad to say that both of them are doing well now, one has their own business and the other is studying a subject they love at university. Neither will ever be social butterflies, out every night but that's okay. I still have to worry way more than parents of NT kids but I have come to terms with that and just get on with it. I owe my sanity during the absolute worst times to the group of mums I met on a thread on mumsnet going through the same thing. I have never met any of them but it was nice to have my hand held when I honestly was at the end.

@FreshLaundry I completely relate. I have had to accept that if I want to do something, it will either be with a friend or on my own, my children just aren't interested. Ironically, I often hear from parents of NT kids, that their children are also not interested in spending time with them albeit for completely different reasons.

I hear you.

i have 2 boys, 18 and 16 now. My eldest is NT and has sailed through school with top grades and had his pick of good universities. We never had a moments bother with him at school primary or secondary. My youngest has ASD and his education in primary and early secondary was a shit show. He was in that position of being too able for special school but struggling with mainstream. I remember one time in primary school had an open afternoon for parents. Went to my eldest’s class and he was clearly in his element and so relaxed. Went to my youngest’s and he couldn’t cope at all with the noise and was sitting rocking at his chair with his hands over his ears and clearly distressed. It was horrible. It’s always made me think it’s so unfair how much he struggles compared to his brother through no fault of his own and is forced to try and fit into a system that isnt built for him and then blamed if he acts up. And then Covid made it even worse as he had no high school transition.

Fast forward to now and he passed 6 national 5 exams some with good grades and doing 3 highers. He’s found some hobbies he loves and is doing well. It’s been hard but he’s done so much better than I could ever have imagined.

Fingers crossed for your son too

I hear you. I worry whether my ASD DD will ever find her way in life. Will she ever pass any exams? Go to college? get a job? It's heartbreaking watching her struggle and get so little joy from life.

It's not helping that her similar aged cousin is meeting every milestone, rite of passage, etc. full on. Excelling in everything. I begrudge him nothing. He's a fabulous teenager but oof, it's hard to watch.

Selfishly I feel cheated too. I'm worn out with no end in sight. Can't relate to the experiences that parents of NT kids are going through. Feel sad a lot of the time.

So much of society's perception of success is having "succesful" children so you can bask in their reflected glory. So many people are pushing their children into this with pressure to do well at school and on hobbies, get stellar exam results etc.

I for one am glad (after many years of grief and adjustment) that we don't have "trophy children". I have wonderful, flawed, beautiful children who are ND; one in specialist and one in mainstream. Being their parent has (and still is) taught me so much.

One big change has been that friendships with other SEN/ND families are much easier than with NT families for us all these days.

Thank you for this thread, OP.

I know this isn’t the same as being ND but DD2 has been diagnosed with depression and has to see a psychiatrist and take medication. She goes to school but doesn’t do anything else like other 17 year olds - won’t see friends, won’t watch movies or do sports or anything. Left to her own devices she would literally sit in her room and look at the wall.

I don’t know what her life is going to be like and it is terrifying to think about. She was doing super, amazingly well at school before this, but I try not to think about what could have been. I try to take each day as it comes and not worry too much but this is hands down the hardest part of parenting so far.

OP I smiled at your description of your family as stick collecting and fact regurgitating 😄 we're a lot like this too! DD was assessed for ASD recently (no suprise to anyone when the letter came back confirming this) and one of the many questions was around hobbies and interests. Asking if there was anything unusual - which made me realise as a family we might not be 'usual' 😂😂
Our house is stuffed to the gills with hobbies and interests! Bits of pottery, pebbles, random crafts, piles of bits of paper and drawings. DD only ever gives 110% to any interest.
She's had her struggles but is turning into a fascinating and complex young woman. I think mainstream school can be a tough ride for ND kids and as a parent you have to cut off from comparison - thief of joy and all that.

We are a wood walking, muddy, stick collecting, gem collecting bunch who regurgitate facts about spiders or birds

I love this OP, this is awesome.

@Axalotl reading all of these posts has helped me too so thank you for posting!! Xx

@x2boys yes I know, the point is she will be kicked out of her school, so I have to manage her sense of failure.

I'll be super proud of her.

It's ok to grieve what you thought they would have, but you do need to learn to let go of it and remember that these are things which a neurotypical society covets and puts importance on, and it doesn't need to be that way anymore.
I am ND myself, I have one non verbal autistic boy with severe learning disabilities, and another on the pathway. They are 10. In fact I don't think we have a NT brain in my family at all. DS1 is in a specialist school. He doesn't follow the curriculum, it's possible be will never be able to speak, read, or write. But he is happy for the most part.
DS2 is intelligent, but does struggle with certain things. He doesn't like reading, which i used to love, so that was a little disappointing. He's never been interested in arts, crafts, baking etc.
Both like being outdoors. DS2 loves sports.

My friend group consists of other ND parents with ND kids the same age. It's not for the faint hearted! But we've accepted this is just how it is, and we're all far happier with outdoors, stick throwing, ball kicking, muddiness.

5,s are not failure, s just because she won't get into the school sixth form ,doesn't mean she's failed grade fives will be enough for most level three courses.

I understand my oldest son has always struggled academically and has always been in mainstream it's not veen easy for him he's a college now ,I'm hoping he will eventually get an apprenticeship, he was also diagnosed with Diabetes two yeas ago and is insulin dependent, so it's been a struggle for him
That said he ,s a lovely caring young man and I'm very proud of him
My youngest son is severely autistic, non verbal, will never be independent etc but I have accepted the situation it is what it is and i love both my boys for who they are.

My DD has AuDHD.

She dropped out of school due to anxiety (and other physical illness).

Mainstream school really isn't a good environment for most people with ND.
Some of them can mange to fit in.

She is now, in her own time, doing physics at Newcastle.

She needed a couple of years to work out how she learnt and who she could be.

Aww op, I completely understand

When I got pregnant, in horrible circumstances, I had all this stress in my head and ideas for how I'd be:

Getting her into private/grammar school
Moving to the best area
Tutors, etc

All geared towards her academic success.

Now she's 5, pre verbal with autism. Our life is celebrating when she uses the potty and micromanaging dinner time to make sure she eats 😄😄. My current worry is that she hasn't pooped in a week.

I grieved when she was 3 and got her diagnosis. Grieved for the life I thought she'd have.

But then I thought, hang on, she's still alive, she can walk and has her own little personality - currently intense feelings about sweeties and peppa pig 🤭.

She's okay! Who knows, maybe I would've had my way and focused heavily on academia And it wouldn't have worked out! Maybe I would've unknowingly pressured her! Maybe I wouldn't have coped with the stress due to my own poor mental health!

I feel like I've been given the child I needed. She was given to me to teach me to relax and understand that, just because her life doesn't look a certain way at the right times, doesn't mean it's not all going to be okay.

Anyway, sorry for the long post! In short, you've been given the kids you have for a reason! You never know, you could be raising the next world class gamer, or the next marie kondo (because our sen kids love lining stuff up)

One thing that has been amazing is spending less time around neurotypical children and more time around SEN kids. You don't need a constant physical reminder of what you're missing x

@Catza that was a really beautiful post.

It’s tragic. Little DS has no friends and that utterly breaks my heart. I would never, ever say this in real life, but why can’t he be the cool dude he is at home with just a couple of other people in school? I have to work so hard to put myself in his shoes and try to imagine why he feels he can’t connect with his peers.

Our lives are so small now that everyone is autistic but me. I realise they all need time to recharge, but I don’t. I just imagined that we would ‘do’ more as a family and make the most of this big wide world we live in.

It’s so difficult when your personal traits and even values are the opposite to how your kids have turned out. You feel like you’re there together but not ‘getting’ each others’ experiences. So much additional work and thinking to build compassion and empathy, where I see other parents sharing in activities together so straightforwardly without really ‘trying’.

i have two children who are very different. One who struggled in primary until they suddenly flourished academically and is now considered very able in secondary and one who is bright and sporty. I feel I have straddled both worlds in that I accepted my eldest would always be bottom of the class, until he wasn’t and we were all surprised.

Things that helped was acceptance and moving away from other parents who were constantly showboating about their children’s achievements. I can remember Covid being a particularly difficult time as I suddenly had an idea of where his peers were and realised just how behind he was.

I adopted a ‘meet your kids where they are’ approach and stopped panicking. I did put in an awful lot of work to help catch them up academically but concede I could only do that as I had the time to do that.

The thing to focus on think is that society is so much more accepting of neurodiversity now. We have a better understanding of it and legally workplaces have to make adaptions to accommodate disabilities. When I was young it felt so different. You just had to suck it up and get on with it and if you didn’t fit in you were cast aside.

I think our society often praises parents for what their kids achieve. Oh well don't he's doing x, how did you do it, etc... It's harder when a child doesn't do x and that's nothing to do with your efforts.

I feel you. I was always in top sets at school, pretty popular, life has had ups and downs but mostly ups.

Whereas my autistic child can't even hold a pen, has no friends, struggles to regulate emotions. We've accepted that he'll be bottom of the class and you know what, that's OK. We're going to try to instil in him that as long as he tries his best then that's the main thing. And if he's happy, we're happy. We're measuring progress by happiness rather than academic ability.