Alternating weekends with my ex - AIBU?

Could the weekend not start on a Saturday, so you have your daughter Friday night and your ex takes her to school Monday morning?

My daughter has clothes at both houses but still needs to take a bag with her to return clothes to the other house, she can just take a 2nd backpack into school

When they're younger sure it works fine having clothes at each house but as they get older my DSD wanted to choose what clothes they had where. Bring their make up. Take clothes for specific events. Bring home comforts between homes. It's their stuff and it's cruel to make them leave it in one of their homes.

I also agree in principle he should have her the full Friday which includes illness pick up and end of day collection. But college teaching is super inflexible and you want to get on well - could you agree that for this academic year you’ll continue but stop in September so he can sort his timetabling?
that’s an additional 13 or so Fridays until end July.

My ex husband has a key so he can pick up/drop off child stuff.

On his weekends (he does once a week for two weeks (ish) then a Friday to Monday once a month (shift patterns, oh joy!)

When they were younger if one had a club l I’d collect the other from school and then he’d collect both post club. It rankled slightly, on principle, but I live just around the corner from school, and was flexible with work, so ultimately it didn’t matter.

I also sent all their clothes etc. As they’ve got older he has got a lot better at making sure they have a small selection at his (we swap between sometimes as we see their clothes as theirs, not trapped within one household, at it evens out), but he still needs to drop off iPads after his evenings/dsys.

Current set up, with a 13yo and 10yo is that on his nights 10yo walks home alone, has a snack and grabs iPads. Ex picks up 13yo (as they’re a much longer walk away) and then collects 10yo from me. I don’t have to be there but am usually as I can WFH. Then drops bags off next morning (key meaning I don’t have to be present).

It won't be until she's 16. In a surprisingly short amount of time she'll be fine to walk home from school and stay by herself for a few hours. Where will she go to secondary school? Whether that's back to yours or getting herself across to his house you'll know. But I absolutely agree that she will want her own things and carrying them around school might make her resentful.

Agree with this. It seems mean of you to put your daughter in after school club and miss the chance to see her when you have a whole weekend without her.

I think stand your ground. You don’t need to adjust your life to keep this selfish man happy anymore and his convenience is no longer your concern. Of course people will try to make you feel guilty that this impacts on your child but they never bloody do that to the father, do they? Resist the mum guilt and stop absorbing everything both pragmatically and emotionally. Your life and your Friday plans matter.

I would leave it as it is for now. It’s going to be an upheaval for your DD when your ex moves house, so it will be better to keep to the same arrangement. Again, if you get a different job, this is going to impact your DD. My friend who has 3 children had this arrangement for over 10 years, her DC came home from school, got their things together and had to wait till their Dad picked them up, which was anytime from 5.30 to 7. Ex also had them one night mid week, the eldest carried around all the following day the dirty clothes for all 3 from the day before.

She should have clothes, shoes, books and teddies at her dad's. If he has her 2 nights EOW and 50:50 in the holidays then that's about a quarter of the year - and to be honest it's nearly half the time she's not wearing school uniform. He needs to have stuff for her for that portion of the year rather than relying on you to provide it. You just return them a fortnight later when he drops her off.

It’s not unusual for some women, especially older women, to think a man’s role as ‘breadwinners’ or frankly just having a penis means that women should prioritise his needs over hers. It’s like giving men bigger portions/better food at meals. Patriarchy and all that. I’m no spring chicken and my mum isn’t like this, but some of my friends’ mums definitely were/are.

what on earth do you mean by a generational “thing” that you’re mother would think you were unreasonable in this situation rather than your ex husband?

YABU.
There's no set time when the "weekend" should start.
You work part time to accommodate drop off and pick up from school. If you need childcare so you can do other things on a Friday find it together. Maybe that does mean your ex agreeing a different work pattern on Fridays but his employer will need to agree to that.
Work together to find solutions instead of making demands that don't work for the other party.

My kids go to ExH every other weekend. He lives very close to their school - a 10 minute walk/5 minute drive, whereas I live a 20 minute drive in the opposite direction.

However, I still pay for the afterschool club on "his" Fridays, then collect them from there and drive them to his at 6pm. It's bonkers really. But

1. the kids like to see me on that Friday eve, even for only 5 mins
2. it means that things like teddies/comfort blankets don't have to be kept at school all day if he were to pick them up

Yes it's inconvenient for me really. But I love my kids more than I dislike ExH, so I do it, because it's the smoothest transition for them.

I would also be suggesting dropping off on to school on mondays, that way
he picks up the child in school uniform, washed it and sends child to school in the uniform.

Hi, welcome to MN!

Me and my ex are very amicable and try to make things work for each other. If I had to go to my mums on a fri, this couldn’t work for me and my ex wouldn’t expect it to.

If I could fit around it without much hassle I would. But we are both trying to accommodate each other as much as possible.

I wouldn’t be guided by others’ reactions cos they always favour the man IMO.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable

Absolutely baffled by some of these responses. Why would your child need to pack a bag to stay with their dad? He should be providing every single thing they need when in his care.

You are no longer married OP so your life should not be dictated by your EXH schedule. Just ludicrous that anyone thinks it should.

For reference, I share 50/50 care and would have extremely short shrift for this nonsense.

You are allowed an independent life too.

Totally great for kids to swap over at 5.30 if that works for everyone in the equation.

However, in your circumstances it is absolute not your job to accommodate his convenience at your own expense. After all, he is her parent, not a fun uncle!

As a parent he needs to pick up his share of parenting responsibilities. News flash - kids are not a convenience product.

So, this means after school collection on the evenings he has her. Also providing clothing for her at his house or other items she needs. As she gets older there will be ways to transport items she needs, you can work that out at the time.

Hold your boundaries so he's not taking advantage of you. This important for your well-being and to model this for your daughter.

He is probably the type of guy that has learned that being disagreeable pays; if he always demand others do it his way and therefore this is what always happens, why would he suddenly start to be agreeable? If this is him, you will just need to learn to expect him to be unreasonable and be prepared to push back to get what you need. Yes it's exhausting, but with someone like this it is the only way to teach them to respect you.

I don’t know.

Is there any compromise here? Like, agree to do it once a month?
If you are looking for a new job, you may need to work together a bit more and share care rather than ‘your time’ ‘my time’

YANBU

My ex tried to pull this and got short shrift from the judge. He was ordered to pick up from school and told he was the one responsible should they fall ill during the day.

it’s thus i find so weird

My mum also thinks I’m being unreasonable.

... no you can't 'pick up ' for him as he will be starting HIS new arrangements with immediate effect.... and what you do with YOUR time is none of his f'ing business.