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Original poster

How to you ‘thaw’ prickly people?

34 replies

snowdropsy · 21/11/2024 21:24

My younger sister (age 27) is currently ‘prickly’.
She’s moved back in with mum and is going through a lot: breakup, had to leave her flat, change of job, a few health issues. She’s snappy and irritable and a bit uncooperative (like a teenager).

I know it’s cause she’s unhappy with her situation, but she REFUSES to talk about it. “Having a heart to heart” isn't really an option sadly, even though it’s what she needs, she will not allow herself to be vulnerable. And she is very defensive, if I say anything, it will be perceived by her as either “criticising her” or “patronising her”. It feels like I can’t win.

I find the atmosphere tense around her and it’s getting to the point where I’m anxious about being around her, which is not what I want our relationship to be like. We got on really well up to about 2 years ago, which is when this began.

How have others dealt with people / relationships like this, where one person just shuts themself off from you and is touchy about everything?

OP posts:
mnreader · 21/11/2024 21:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CarrotPencil · 21/11/2024 21:39

snowdropsy · 21/11/2024 21:32

I guess this must be how she does perceive it, what am I supposed to do about it though? I am not being fake, I am being 100% genuine with her. Maybe she just doesn’t like me any more, but it’s a bitter pill to swallow.
What could your mum or sister do, for you to warm to them again?

Show quote history

It’s not about the mum or the sister, thinking about it. It’s about me (your sister in your case!) Things improved with mine and my mum’s relationship massively when I was left to just get on with things and sort myself out (which I did very early and successfully so no need for her to even interfere in the first place!! 😤).

My sister (older, of course 🙄) just…. I dunno, she’s fine…. Just probably the nature of being an older sister. Just quite patronising but she thinks she’s admiring me but it just sounds like ‘oooh, look at you, look how far you’ve come, aw, you’ve done so well’… like she’s talking to a puppy or something. That vibe!

It’s like, why did you even doubt me and my abilities in the first place?? There was no need?
Does your sister maybe not respond well to pity/concern….. it’s like you’re painting her as incapable…? Just a thought. I despise that and just want to do life things on my own.

Facecream24 · 21/11/2024 21:37

I think maybe I’m your sister here. I’m not sure there’s much you can do as with me the more you try the more I’d push you away. I think just be kind and understanding and continue to try if you’re able to but if you’re not you’re not. Eventually I think she’d come around but it might take years. I hate showing vulnerability or failure in any way and it makes me distance myself from others.

whatcanthematterbe81 · 21/11/2024 21:35

I'm the same as her. Not sure why but I just don't want to talk to my family when I'm hurting. I brushed off my miscarriage when they wanted me to talk about it, a break up, all sorts. I prefer to wallow alone and then get over it quickly in my own head

Original poster
snowdropsy · 21/11/2024 21:32

CarrotPencil · 21/11/2024 21:28

I’m like that around my mum and my sister. Less so my mum nowadays.

Are you guys actually close? My sister thinks we’re close and so then when she tries the whole ‘heart to heart’ thing I find it really jarring and invasive and very fake.

In my 20s and sometimes still now tbh my mum is critical and patronising. So maybe you actually are to her (as you mentioned in your OP), maybe that’s how she perceives it?

I guess this must be how she does perceive it, what am I supposed to do about it though? I am not being fake, I am being 100% genuine with her. Maybe she just doesn’t like me any more, but it’s a bitter pill to swallow.
What could your mum or sister do, for you to warm to them again?

OP posts:
Original poster
snowdropsy · 21/11/2024 21:29

cindertoffeeapple · 21/11/2024 21:26

Maybe she’s touchy because you keep trying to talk about her situation instead of just spending quality time?! Sounds like you are part of the problem here…

I have only tried twice in two years! I’m not pestering her all the time. I can just tell that it wouldn’t be welcome.

OP posts:
CarrotPencil · 21/11/2024 21:28

I’m like that around my mum and my sister. Less so my mum nowadays.

Are you guys actually close? My sister thinks we’re close and so then when she tries the whole ‘heart to heart’ thing I find it really jarring and invasive and very fake.

In my 20s and sometimes still now tbh my mum is critical and patronising. So maybe you actually are to her (as you mentioned in your OP), maybe that’s how she perceives it?

nopenotplaying · 21/11/2024 21:27

She's having and had a really rough time. Just keep being kind to her, don't react to her prickliness she will come out the other side and you need to be there to catch her

cindertoffeeapple · 21/11/2024 21:26

Maybe she’s touchy because you keep trying to talk about her situation instead of just spending quality time?! Sounds like you are part of the problem here…

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