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Original poster

I can't go dutch

154 replies

Whatinthedoopla · 21/11/2024 21:08

I am currently low on funds, and will be going out to a distant cousin's birthday, but didn't realise the meal is costing £80! And this is without drinks!
I accepted the invitation before knowing the price.

I assume people will be drinking alcohol etc, I am literally going to order 1 soft drink and that's it!

How do I politely decline going Dutch? These are family members I don't see often

OP posts:
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Candy24 · 22/11/2024 00:16

Whatinthedoopla · 21/11/2024 21:08

I am currently low on funds, and will be going out to a distant cousin's birthday, but didn't realise the meal is costing £80! And this is without drinks!
I accepted the invitation before knowing the price.

I assume people will be drinking alcohol etc, I am literally going to order 1 soft drink and that's it!

How do I politely decline going Dutch? These are family members I don't see often

I thought going dutch meant no undies......sorry. Sucks when you are broke. Been there many a time.

Sportacus17 · 22/11/2024 00:07

Just don’t go.

ProcrastinatorsAnonymous · 22/11/2024 00:01

I'd skip the event. If they're not people you're close to and you can't raise this with them easily, then there's a danger that you'll put in the time, money and energy to go, but what will be remembered is the "fuss" (as some might see it) about the bill at the end.

CarolinaWren · 21/11/2024 23:56

Switchingitup · 21/11/2024 21:15

I’m with you - where I’m from, going Dutch means to pay for yourself.

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Google agrees with you, me and other posters. It's generally used to mean each person pays for their own food and drinks, not splitting the bill evenly.

HotCrossBunplease · 21/11/2024 23:55

Dear [host]

It was lovely to be invited but I’m afraid that £80 plus drinks is beyond my means at the moment so I’m afraid I’ll have to decline. I hope that Birthday Person has a lovely evening. All the best.

NoisyDenimShaker · 21/11/2024 23:49

Mamaghanouch · 21/11/2024 22:24

Make your excuses and miss this event with your dignity intact.

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I agree. That's what I did with the hen weekend invitation.

WineIsMyMainVice · 21/11/2024 23:48

If you can only afford to pay for what you order just be upfront about that from the start. There’s no need for you to miss out on the evening. Just look at the menu online before you go and work out what you’ll be eating /how much, and let the organiser know that is what you need to do. As others have said maybe chuck in a bit for tip etc. but if you can’t afford all of that you should maybe bow out….

itsmylife7 · 21/11/2024 23:48

Going Dutch means paying ONLY for yourselves

NoisyDenimShaker · 21/11/2024 23:48

Lyannaa · 21/11/2024 21:20

This sort of thing is very unfair. Why do people think it’s reasonable to assume that everyone can afford an £80 meal?

I know! I guess it must be a set menu, if it's 80 pounds. That's outrageous.

I once got a hen weekend invitation along with a demand for a few hundred pounds, when I was on a low salary in London and living alone, which was quite expensive. I made an excuse. There was no way I could afford it. I wish they'd also done something more affordable, like gone out for a meal at Pizza Express.

Skate76 · 21/11/2024 23:46

GrumpyCactus · 21/11/2024 21:16

You can't go and not pay for your share. If you can't afford to pay then you need to decline the invitation asap.

She does want to pay her share, just not others alcohol bill 🤷‍♀️

Ponderingwindow · 21/11/2024 23:45

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 21/11/2024 21:14

Then it's being used in a way that I've never heard, but perhaps it has changed its meaning over the years.

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You are correct. I just went and googled to double check. It means each person in the group paying their your own expenses.

so op saying she can’t go Dutch to me means she needs someone to cover her bill.

Nanny0gg · 21/11/2024 23:43

Coconutter24 · 21/11/2024 21:12

You can’t politely decline going Dutch, if you want to go you need to pay you’re share and if you can’t afford it you need to say you can no longer make it

'Going Dutch' means paying for what you've ordered

Which is exactly what the OP needs to do

NoisyDenimShaker · 21/11/2024 23:38

Eighty pounds for a meal?? Without drinks? That's insane.

If you can't afford it, you'll just have to find an excuse. There's nothing else for it.

P.S. I understand Going Dutch to be used in the context of dating, where it's decided that each person pays for themselves instead of one person paying for the whole date.

eightIsNewNine · 21/11/2024 23:29

When I googled "going dutch meaning" all links on my first page explain it as paying for yourself, while the Google dictionary box have the sharing costs equally definition. Bizzare.

I'm pretty sure the mainstream meaning is everyone paying for themselves, as stereotypes about Dutch people say they are careful about money.

Enough4me · 21/11/2024 23:20

Don't go. There's lots of colds going around and you don't want to pass yours on...

KnickerlessParsons · 21/11/2024 23:19

en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Going_Dutch

KnickerlessParsons · 21/11/2024 23:17

I’m with you - where I’m from, going Dutch means to pay for yourself.

Same.

Opentooffers · 21/11/2024 23:16

"Something came up,sorry, won't be able to make it". If they enquire what, just use one of a million excuses, it's not so hard.

AquaLeader · 21/11/2024 23:12

MoreThanJustANumber · 21/11/2024 22:01

I guess it depends which dictionary.

The online dictionary cited above is an example of 'nonsense in, nonsense out'.

The Oxford English Dictionary is the definitive record of the English language and its definition is, 'each person paying for his or her own food, drink, etc.'
https://www.oed.com/dictionary/dutchadj

Dutch, adj., n.¹, & adv. meanings, etymology and more | Oxford English Dictionary

Dutch, adj., n.¹, & adv. meanings, etymology, pronunciation and more in the Oxford English Dictionary

https://www.oed.com/dictionary/dutch_adj

AdoraBell · 21/11/2024 22:47

I would tell them that you like to see them but can’t afford the meal so maybe meet up for coffee or tea.

WearyAuldWumman · 21/11/2024 22:31

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 21/11/2024 21:14

Then it's being used in a way that I've never heard, but perhaps it has changed its meaning over the years.

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I always understood it to mean that each person pays for his or her own meal.

LucyLocketLovesPollyPocket · 21/11/2024 22:28

rightoguvnor · 21/11/2024 21:14

Diarrhoea is a complete sentence.

Did you know when your you say the word poo your mouth moves in the same way your anus does.

Same goes for explosive diarrhoea...

Livinglifetoday · 21/11/2024 22:24

I think it is extremely presumptuous to expect people to spend this type of money for a birthday gathering, especially at this time of year. The total cost including drinks & travel etc could amount to £120 or more. I would make my excuses, politely refuse & suggest another gathering in the near future that would suit all pockets.

Mamaghanouch · 21/11/2024 22:24

Whatinthedoopla · 21/11/2024 21:08

I am currently low on funds, and will be going out to a distant cousin's birthday, but didn't realise the meal is costing £80! And this is without drinks!
I accepted the invitation before knowing the price.

I assume people will be drinking alcohol etc, I am literally going to order 1 soft drink and that's it!

How do I politely decline going Dutch? These are family members I don't see often

Make your excuses and miss this event with your dignity intact.

TheSquareMile · 21/11/2024 22:23

@Whatinthedoopla

In the circumstances, I would suggest sending the distant cousin a message expressing your apologies and letting him/her know that you can't attend after all.

Shortly before the birthday, send him/her a nice birthday card.

It sounds to me as though there would be better uses for the £80, to be honest; if things are really difficult, you could find it useful to have it in the bank for food etc over Christmas and the New Year.