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Original poster

I can't go dutch

154 replies

Whatinthedoopla · 21/11/2024 21:08

I am currently low on funds, and will be going out to a distant cousin's birthday, but didn't realise the meal is costing £80! And this is without drinks!
I accepted the invitation before knowing the price.

I assume people will be drinking alcohol etc, I am literally going to order 1 soft drink and that's it!

How do I politely decline going Dutch? These are family members I don't see often

OP posts:
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HappyPearlMaker · 25/11/2024 19:04

i would tell the truth! no shame in having better things to spend money on!

SuchiRolls · 23/11/2024 11:54

Switchingitup · 21/11/2024 21:15

I’m with you - where I’m from, going Dutch means to pay for yourself.

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Snap! I’m in the UK and am British. If you google it the answer is the same. I think it must have got twisted or misunderstood maybe over the years? 🤣🤷🏻‍♀️

CoastalCalm · 23/11/2024 03:30

I don’t drink much these days and often go for meals and just have a bottle of sparkling water and maybe a soft drink - I just say I’m going just cover my share plus tip and no one is ever offended but if you really can’t afford to go I’d just come down with a heavy cold or similar

Cornishclio · 23/11/2024 00:47

The best way of dealing with this is to hand over cash for your meal/drinks and leave early. Going Dutch or splitting the bill is fine if you all have roughly the same but I agree that if I was low on funds or eating with heavy alcohol drinkers or those who eat five courses etc I would just say we will all pay for our own. Most places will split bills like that now.

Nanny0gg · 23/11/2024 00:03

Loopylu60 · 22/11/2024 23:39

You are correct that going Dutch is splitting the bill equally - Oxford dictionary trumps Wikipedia for accuracy 😁
take enough cash for your
meal and drink and aim to leave promptly.

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No it's not.

It's paying your own portion

LittleMousewithcloggson · 22/11/2024 23:54

Loopylu60 · 22/11/2024 23:39

You are correct that going Dutch is splitting the bill equally - Oxford dictionary trumps Wikipedia for accuracy 😁
take enough cash for your
meal and drink and aim to leave promptly.

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Have you read the Oxford English Dictionary??

I can't go dutch
KnickerlessParsons · 22/11/2024 23:44

Whatinthedoopla · 22/11/2024 20:57

Who is Susie dent?

The lexicographer lady on Countdown who used to work for the OUP.

Loopylu60 · 22/11/2024 23:39

Whatinthedoopla · 22/11/2024 04:15

I think this is a great idea! Thank you!

Sorry everyone for the confusion in my post, what I meant by going Dutch is that the bill is split evenly (with drinks included). I don't mind paying my own meal and drinks, but if people start ordering alcohol, this I can't afford.

She is a distant cousin, but one we dearly love and don't get to see often.

I like the idea of taking cash then leaving a bit earlier, I can definitely make an excuse for this.

I want to go to the meal, but just hate also paying for others having alcohol when I'm not. Even when I did have money I hated doing this.

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You are correct that going Dutch is splitting the bill equally - Oxford dictionary trumps Wikipedia for accuracy 😁
take enough cash for your
meal and drink and aim to leave promptly.

Loopylu60 · 22/11/2024 23:31

Nsky62 · 21/11/2024 22:03

The invitee should foot the bill

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The op is an invitee

pollymere · 22/11/2024 23:11

Going Dutch is the opposite of splitting the bill equally 🤔. I think you mean you DO want to go Dutch.

Just buy a drink at the bar and don't join in with the food element if you're worried. Take cash with you rather than a Credit Card so you can't feel pressured.

chubbychopsticks · 22/11/2024 22:18

You can go, but say "I'm excited to celebrate your birthday but I will only be able to pop in for a drink"
Just arrive at the party after the meal have a drink, pay at the bar
And Jo one will say anything

Singleandproud · 22/11/2024 21:08

The lady off countdown with the big dictionary

Original poster
Whatinthedoopla · 22/11/2024 20:57

Who is Susie dent?

OP posts:
KnickerlessParsons · 22/11/2024 18:45

No it doesn't and never has. I've gone Dutch with my friends the past 20 years and its always meant paying only for what you ordered. plus Google agrees 👀

Where oh where is Susie Dent when you need her?

@susiedent are you on Mumsnet??

XmasMarkets · 22/11/2024 18:40

Where did the £80 come from?

LostTheMarble · 22/11/2024 18:24

rightoguvnor · 21/11/2024 21:14

Diarrhoea is a complete sentence.

This made me laugh. It also reminded me of the time my eldest was off school, when I went to pick up his sibling the teacher asked how he was. At which point he loudly declared ‘I had diarrhoea!’ with a big smile and great pride….

To answer the op, I’d not go. It’s not fair on you, it will cause money and other stresses, and whilst I’m sure no one will actually be so rude to judge it’s still a social situation most would try and avoid. Definitely diarrhoea, try not to smile when announcing it 🤣.

cansu · 22/11/2024 18:21

Just say you can't make it. Don't put yourself in financial difficulty for a cousins birthday.

LittleMousewithcloggson · 22/11/2024 18:03

Onthesideofthespiders · 21/11/2024 21:28

It does. “Shall we go Dutch?” Means shall we just split the bill.

Paying for ourselves means paying for yourself. Going Dutch mean splitting is evenly. That’s literally the definition. It does not mean to just pay for what you ordered; it means splitting the bill evenly.

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Not according to several online searches including Wikipedia
“"Going Dutch" is a term that indicates that each person participating in a paid activity covers their own expenses”

I have always used it that way. Splitting the bill is used for sharing equally

NearlyChristmas2024 · 22/11/2024 17:58

You either don’t go or you request a separate bill.

fetchacloth · 22/11/2024 17:55

I wouldn't go. Just politely decline.

Normallynumb · 22/11/2024 15:18

I feel for you as no way could I afford the £80 and I think it's presumptuous to assume everyone can
As you like your cousin and want to go then I would be upfront when you get there and saying you will rather pay for your own and ask the server if you can have your own bill.
Don't feel awkward about it and enjoy your meal

Skyrainlight · 22/11/2024 15:03

Whatinthedoopla · 22/11/2024 04:15

I think this is a great idea! Thank you!

Sorry everyone for the confusion in my post, what I meant by going Dutch is that the bill is split evenly (with drinks included). I don't mind paying my own meal and drinks, but if people start ordering alcohol, this I can't afford.

She is a distant cousin, but one we dearly love and don't get to see often.

I like the idea of taking cash then leaving a bit earlier, I can definitely make an excuse for this.

I want to go to the meal, but just hate also paying for others having alcohol when I'm not. Even when I did have money I hated doing this.

Show quote history

I agree with you. I barely drink and it annoys me when I have to pay for other people's alcohol. I'm firmly in the pay for yourself and a decent tip camp.

KimberleyClark · 22/11/2024 14:06

I’ve only ever seen going Dutch in the context of two people going halves. In a larger group it’s just splitting the bill, or people paying for themselves.

ItGhoul · 22/11/2024 13:59

Whatinthedoopla · 22/11/2024 13:42

I agree, I don't think understand why I have to miss out just because I might have to go dutch. I know it's embarrassing for everyone to talk about how much each person owes at the end of the bill, that's why going right after dessert might be the way forward, a quick getaway lol

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I agree, I don't think understand why I have to miss out just because I might have to go dutch

I think that if there's something about an event that one person feels they don't want to/can't participate in, then it's perfectly reasonable to expect that person to miss out, rather than expecting the host to change the arrangements or make an exception just for them.

If your cousin hasn't indicated how the bill will be paid, just ask her in advance whether you'll be OK just to pay for what you order because you're currently skint. She'll probably tell you it's fine. If she doesn't, then explain that you won't be able to attend but that you hope she has a lovely time.

If she has already made it clear that the plan is to split the bill evenly, then don't go if you don't feel you can manage that.