To not understand why people want involved in laws

That, too. Yes.

Your post has made me a little sad tbh. In-laws are part of your extended family and your partner's parents so they are hardly strangers. Of course, you wouldn't be friends with them, they are of a different generation so I wouldn't expect that. For some families, in-laws are incredibly valued, as without them, some couples with young children would struggle; childcare, financial etc. Also, being part of a big family, in-laws, nieces, nephews, siblings etc. is something that can be rather lovely!

I honestly don't know what I'd do without my in laws. They have been an essential part of our support network, especially when DH is away.

Similar timescale, we’re complete opposites. I stopped trying a few years in and leave DH to manage DD’s relationship with them now. They live 5 hours away so I get some free time while he takes DD and DDog to visit them twice a year max. They are utterly disinterested in anything that happens more than 20 miles from them so DD feels no loss. I anticipate the visits stopping (for her at least) soon because she doesn’t feel any real love from them. Their loss.

i am a lone parent and my exes parents died before i met him so my kids have no grandparents from his side, i often feel sad for my kids sake that they don't have that experience or extended family on their fathers side, don't see what's weird about that 🤷🏻‍♀️

And their partners. It's easier for us both if we get along with the other persons family

Quite.

People often do it for their kids, OP. Hardly rocket science.

My husband feels the same way about his parents as I feel about mine, and I lovey husband, so why would I not want them as involved as my parents are?

The issue here is that they visit twice a month and it's become YOUR responsibility.

You chose to reproduce with their genes and enter into family with them.

Surely they can't be that awful? After all, you picked them.🤷‍♀️

My in laws have been better parents to me over the last 14 years than my own have been in 38. Mil came with me to choose my wedding dress, fil let us live with him rent free for a year to save for by a house deposit. They are the people who were there for me after both my miscarriages, they are absolutely not strangers to me at all.

My MIL I could do without, but my kids adore her and I’d never interfere with that. They also learn more about their dad and how to interact with different people- she’s a flake and they are starting to realize it.

My sisters and brothers in law and my nieces and nephews are great! I’d never have started a friendship with them if we didn’t have a family connection but I love them.

My kids are growing up with lots of people who love them

I was rolling my sleeves up ready for a discussion about draft bills and the House of Commons v House of Lords and voter apathy. <disappointed>

I don’t hate their visits, but I don’t exactly love hosting them either. They visit 1–2 times a month, and I wouldn’t be upset if they stopped visiting altogether (it would mean one less chore for me—hosting/entertaining).

why are you doing that? Presumably their son is a functioning adult capable of doing that?

I could have pretty much written this

I don't have MIL or FIL as DH lost them.before we met. But he does have sisters and brothers.

They're just mean. On more than one occasion I have heard them openly being vile about me. This year one was absolutely demolishing me when she didn't know I was in the next room. To make matters worse she said not very nice stuff about our DCs, who to be honest none of them have ever really bothered with

I told DH that if it had of been a friend rather than his sister, I would've punched her.

I also at that stage told him that whilst I would never stop him having any type of relationship with his family, that and another incident with two others in my home was the final straw after over 25 years with him. I left it up to my teen DCs, one is fine to be "polite" to them, the other wants nothing to do with them, although thinks their cousins are fine.

It's worth remembering something someone once told me- you marry or live with you partner by choice, not with their family. They come as a sometimes unfortunate package. But why is there an obligation to tolerate them? I'm not the only married in member they are hostile to, so clearly it's a them problem.

Strange perspective. My in-laws are very different to me but I see them as my family. I've known them 22 years, they're my husband's family, my children's grandparents, aunts, uncles etc. They're certainly not strangers! I've grown to love and respect them.
Even if I didn't feel that way I'd still want them in my life because they're important to DH and the kids. I think it's really valuable for the kids to have loving family in their lives. The more people that love them, the better.

.

I always involved my in-laws in our lives because a) I actually liked them and sorely miss my MIL since she passed away 4 years ago and b) because they adored my dc and dc adored them, they were good people so why the heck would I deny my dc the chance to grow up with good grandparents, surely that would have made me a shit parent?

It is really sad you have this attitude especially as you in-laws appear to be good people.

Just remember that you will probably one day be a mother in law. You reap what you sow and all that!

They aren’t strangers - they are family. Do you treat your parents in the same as your in laws?

To be fair what I think you are asking is why people get upset about disinterested IN-LAWS. I think this happens when children come along and parents see their children being dismissed by members of their own families.

i think there is a recognition that even though they are the parent’s in-laws, they are the children’s actual blood family and it can hurt if they don’t seem to care about the children. It’s a horrible rejection.

I’d be gutted if my in-laws were not totally in love with my kids, because they are their blood family. Luckily they are ao
its all good 🥰

They are your husbands parents.And your childrens grandparents. He didn't stop being their son when he met you. Does your husband treat your parents like strangers?

I guess my inlaws matter to me because they matter to my DH, first of all, and then I've got to know them as people and have a relationship with them separately.
I occasionally suspect that our DIL has a 'basically strangers, why would I bother' view of us, but it's not reciprocated - she matters and we're fond of her although the relationship may not be exactly what we would choose. And she's fond of us too, but she has a lot going on in her life and we're not central.

I think I might start a new thread called "why are some mumsnetters so lacking in basic comprehension? Is it me or are they getting thicker?"

Jesus fucking Christ.

We’re not all bad.

I adore my DDILs and likewise I adore my MIL. She is one of my favourite people in the world. I shall be absolute heartbroken when she dies. She dotes on my children, I’ve loved watching their relationship with her and FIL. It’s heartwarming when they talk about their memories with them.

DDIL2 had a wonderful relationship with both sets of her grandparents so she wants that for DGS, too. She doesn’t shut us out at all. The more I read threads like this on here, the more blessed I feel to have her in our lives.

My in laws are lovely people, kind, generous, warm people. DS adores them, they worship the ground he walks on (he's the only child of an only child) and even though I know deep down MIL thought some of our boundaries arrived DS when he was little were a bit batshit (DH rode horses bare back from toddler hood and drank tea with sugar from a bottle) she didn't bat an eye didn't criticise and supported our wishes.
When my parents' beloved dog needed to be put to sleep when I was heavily pregnant she drove us all there because she said she knew my parents would be upset. FIL is teaching ds to pay guitar, they're veggie and really into eco life, foster animals etc and that's a lovely message for DS to grow up with.
Why wouldn't I want them in my life?

And how would you feel if your DH described your parents as strangers, and said he couldn't understand why you wanted them to be involved, and that he wouldn't be upset if they stopped visiting altogether?

Would that be OK? Or does it only apply to your in-laws, not to his?

They're not "essentially strangers". Hopefully, by the time you marry their child, they are more than strangers.

And you don't just have your partner in common. Your children are their gene pool, too.

Dear Lord! Having to explain the basics of "family" on Mumsnet...