To not understand why people want involved in laws

Absolutely.
Some common sense.
👍

I honestly cannot think of a normal family set up where you loved someone enough to marry them and have children and yet think of the people closest to then as “virtual strangers”, particularly when they visit 1 or 2 of every 4 weeks. Being different people is expected. Both sides make the effort to be understanding, that’s what makes family bonds.

But what if your partner's family are very closed off emotionally, aren't interested in you or your life, and make little effort when they see you? Or worse, leave you or your partner feeling crap due to shitty comments when you visit?

I can’t help feeling that there is background missing here - they used to live far away and until recently only met your DC a couple of times in their lives? You have a traumatic history and have difficulty forming emotional bonds with new people? You are going through a bitter separation and are protecting yourself by emotional distance?

I honestly cannot think of a normal family set up where you loved someone enough to marry them and have children and yet think of the people closest to then as “virtual strangers”, particularly when they visit 1 or 2 of every 4 weeks. Being different people is expected. Both sides make the effort to be understanding, that’s what makes family bonds.

In my case:

We have no support network and at times have greatly needed it.

I want my children to be loved by and have strong relationships with more people than just their parents.

I want my DP's family to show care and interest in him and his family, for his self esteem.

It's been.... A struggle. Not close on either side of the family (literally or emotionally), sadly.

__

I communicate with my in-laws and have a relationship with them because it's my DP parents. You know the woman who birthed him and the parents who brung him up. Mil lovely , I adore her and she adores me , she says I'm her daughter she never had..Fil he doesn't really like me but nor does he really get on with DP either now he's older. However, he's not actually done anything wrong and my DP wants to give him the time of day and it's not my choice so i accept that and also give the time of day for his sake. I want my child to have a good relationship with my mum and my DP mum - they are both his mans regardless and it's her son's child too not just mine!

Also I’ll add that my In-laws are lovely and act as parent figures to me. They aren’t my own parents I get that, but I know I could call on them for help for me, pop in for a cuppa if I was bored at home etc. it’s an added layer of comfort that I really appreciate and yes would be sad if I didn’t have.

people possibly imagine that kind of relationship and then are sad if it doesn’t work out.

Because I think people are sad for their children, not themselves necessarily.

I had a lovely relationship and loved all four of my grandparents equally. I would be very sad for my children if any of their grandparents just didn’t bother with them.

They are related to my dc. Even after mine and ex relationship broke down, I feel very comfortable going to sil and bil house and / or calling.

Ex not only had a falling out with me but he tried going no contact with them. I personally have taken dc on my days to visit them. So dc develop/ maintain a good relationship with their father side of the family. My other sil has brought peace among the siblings. Ex is taking dc to see his family for now. But I still call for now.

Ex lost both his parents as a teenager, so my relationship with inlaws is with his siblings.

I don’t care for my in laws either OP, they are lazy and annoying. I try to see them as little as possible and we see my parents much more as they are easier to get on with.

Even our teen kids ain’t bothered by the in laws. Polite and happy when they see them but they don’t want to spend extra time with them.

How would you feel if your DC didn't bother to have a relationship with you when they were older because they/their DP weren't interested? Would you be okay about not seeing your DC? And any potential DGC?

You don't understand people who have different relationships than you with their inlaws, or that not all husbands leave the hosting/entertaining to their wives?

Errrr ok 😳

If they haven't taken the time to develop a relationship with you and their grandchildren, then I can understand they would feel like strangers. You have no shared history together.

I think we often get sold this idea that they might be like a second set of parents and they will play a part in raising our children. But they are still just humans with their own stuff going on.

I am the only DIL to a what I now see as a very dysfunctional family. I waited years thinking they would start to let down the barriers and let me in more but nope they are very much a island. They aren't capable of loving my children in a healthy fuller way its all from a distant. So we have to just meet them where they are at. I feel sad my children won't know the lovely grandparent sleepovers or days out I knew as a child but they can't miss what they have never had.

My husband isn't close to them either so he puts in place boundaries. They are his family and I leave him to manage them.

I think it’s more that people possibly want help? As in childcare help for work or appointments or so they can get put with their partners? I love my in laws, they’re fun. We weren’t close close at the start but as I’ve gotten older I really do see that dh married his mother- we’ve tons in common (hold on, am I praising myself or what am I doing here?! )

I consider my FIL my family. My husband's Mum passed away when he was 28 which was 5 years before we met. His Dad remarried in recent years, but my husband doesn't consider her his 'step-Mum', as he's a bit old for all that. She has 4 children herself, who are all older than my husband (who is the oldest of 4). My FIL has never been a 'hands on' Grandfather, and I have accepted that's just the way he is. My son sees much more of my parents as we live a 10 minute walk away, and they are much more involved. My FIL and his wife have spent 12 years living in Spain, and moved back to the UK this year, a couple of hours drive from us. However, I couldn't just dismiss my FIL as a 'stranger' and treat him as someone who I am merely connected to, due to my marriage to his son!! He's my husband's Dad, so therefore an important part of our family. I wouldn't like to think my husband saw my parents of such little insignificance that he'd rather didn't see them!!

Well....they're your children's grandparents right? I'm assuming they are also important to your husband....so maybe if you don't just think about yourself you might realise why people value their relationships.

Gosh I wouldn't have married DH if I didn't at the very least respect his family. A marriage is fundamentally the joining of two families especially if there are children involved. And I see one of the roles of a partner to support the other in things that are important to them. I've known mil for nearly 40 years way longer than most people in my life. She's supported us and we've supported her through thick and thin. As has DH with my DPs

Could DH take the kids to see them instead so you could get a break?
It sounds like it’s just another job for you hosting them

I do this and it can be a nice way to get a bit of me time.
Me and my PIL are very different (they’re very different from DH too) and it’s very much polite conversation so doesn’t really “fill my cup” and they’ve been very rude previously which clouds my view of them.

My in laws are not strangers. I have known them for 22 years. They are kind, funny people. We got on so well that I eventually asked them to move from the American Midwest to where we lived on the coast and move in with us. Best decision we ever made especially during the pandemic when it was so good to be together as a family. FIL died earlier this year and we miss him terribly.

My in-laws all live at the other side of the world. When we visit they are all so welcoming and loving, they all feel like my own family, every single one. I’m treated no different to my DH and DC. Wouldn’t change that for anything.

I found a great person and with them I made this truly amazing little person. My parents are besotted with this little person, partly because there’s some of me in there but also because of their own personality. Why wouldn’t I want my in-laws to get to know this little person that I made, that is partly their son.

It’s especially hurtful if in-laws don’t want to be involved with your child but they want to be involved in their other grandchildren’s lives. Not my situation but a number of threads wanting involved in-laws are for this reason.

Before kids, I wanted involved in-laws because they were my husband’s parents. I wanted to get on with them as we are both important people in my husband’s life and it’s easier if we can get along.

This has got to be a wind up surely. They are your DPs parents and your children’s grandparents not strangers. In the same vein your parents are essentially strangers to your DP if you go by your logic so why should your family spend time with them

Either you are creating this post for laughs or you are very unreasonable

Yes this. They're not strangers, they are your children's grandparents and therefore as equal as your parents. Your outlook on this is strange

As others have said, I like my in-laws, they adore my children and I love seeing the relationship they have with them. The more people who love them the better. DH, who I'm pretty keen on, also loves them to pieces. So these are all reasons that I like having them in my life. While this isn't my motivation, it is also just a fact that my life is considerably easier than it would be if we didn't have two sets of involved grandparents who are willing to offer some childcare and also to help in an emergency. I'm incredibly grateful to them and know I'm very lucky to have them.