To not understand why people want involved in laws

My in laws aren’t strangers, they’re my family! I’ve known my little brother-in-law since he was a kid, my mother-in-law is literally like a second mother to me. I realise I’m lucky (and to be fair we have had some rough times, like any family!) but I never understand wanting to keep in laws at arms length just because they’re in laws.

I realise from reading mumsnet that some people have very different ideas about marriage and family from my own. Surely when you enter into serious long term relationship like marriage, you are merging your lives so that your family becomes his, and his becomes yours. How on earth can your in-laws be "essentially strangers"? I mean, my dh was a stranger when I first met him, but he's obviously my family now and my in-laws are as well!

Presumably if you care about your partner, you make some effort to respect and take an interest in the people and things that they care about, too. This should be mutual.

You’re focusing on the wrong relationship. This isn’t about you. It’s about your kids and their wider community and the influence that all the adults in their lives have on them. It’s even more important to maintain decent contact if in-laws are “different “ as it gives your children different kinds of influences.

My own grandma was different to my parents but she was the most influential and inspiring adult in my life. Did my dad like her as a MIL? No, but that didn’t matter to me.

I'm so glad that my kids married grown ups.

I get where the OP is coming from.

My partner's parents are perfectly nice people and have been very involved, loving grandparents.

But I don't really have anything in common with them and wouldn't have become friends with them if I hadn't fallen in love with their son.

I have never thought of them as family. They're my partner's family and my dd's family but they have never felt like family to me.

I do the right things. They live close to us so I host Christmas. When dd was young, I made sure they were invited to school nativities etc. Now that dp's dm is quite old and frail, I do more to help take care of her.

But I have never felt anything towards them that is comparable to the love that I have for my own mum and dad.

To avoid drip feeding, I'm autistic. I don't know how much difference that makes.

This.

Surely nobody can be this lacking in emotional intelligence.
It has to be someone trying to wind us up.

I absolutely adore my mother in law. She is kind and helpful and I don't care a bit that she wanders into my house when passing (I do it to her much more often and she feeds me!).

My kids lives are better for that close relationship with their grandparents. My mum lives 400 miles away and my dad is very ill.

I also took her with me to choose my wedding dress.

I see her more than my husband does.

My FIL says lots of things that could be deemed insulting but he has foot in mouth syndrome rather than malice. He's blunt but has also helped us with all sorts of (usually messy DIY) things over the years. He's the kind of man that shows care in action rather than words so I've never taken any of his comments to heart.

I think people might care because they know the value involved and loving grandparents can bring to a child's life and they may be sad to see their child rejected in that way.

My in laws are annoying and overbearing but they're family. We will support them and I know they would do whatever they can for us. I also know despite their annoying traits they love our DC in a way that only very close family can and that is very important to me.

I think this is a very sad view, for all the reasons listed by other posters already.

This cannot be a serious post 🤦‍♀️😵‍💫

I totally understand feeling that way if it’s your own parents—not seeing them as much as you’d like can be painful, especially if you’re close.

but they are your DHs ‘own’ parents??

This is such a weird post. I hope when you're a MIL that your daughter in law doesn't feel like this.
It's family. I would be sad if my in laws didn't want to be involved with my kids. Don't you have memories of grandparents growing up? You sound disconnected from the world

Can’t their dad foster it then?

You do realise you will be in laws one day? How will you feel when your children’s future partners find you boring or irritating or totally indifferent as to whether you visit or not.

Sorry, I didn’t see this post til after I replied.
In that case, it depends on the particulars. Sometimes people just want a rant I suppose. Is this a regular thing that people start threads to complain about in laws even though their dp doesn’t care? I can’t say I’ve ever really noticed it.

Because they wish they had nice, involved in-laws who brought something to their life. It's like if you grow up without one parent - you might not have known them to miss, but you know what other people have and you don't.

You might feel sad for your child/ren that people who are closely related to them and should be important people in their lives have let them down. That they might look at other children’s relationships with their gps and wonder why they don’t have that. You might be sad/ angry on behalf of your partner (who is unlikely to just not care that their parents are uninterested in their child, they’d probably be hurt and upset about it). Maybe if your own parents weren’t around or weren’t good gps either you’d be upset at all of them, you wouldn’t just be like ok I’ll be upset at my parents and <partner> you can be upset at yours because they’re nothing to do with me.
It depends on the circumstances. If your in laws are involved with your kids, it’s easy to say you wouldn’t care if they weren’t, but you don’t actually know that.

It can feel like a rejection of your children which hurts.

My MIL turned up to see our first child, she'd travelled a few hours, looked at her new granddaughter and said 'well I've seen her now, I might as well go home'. Call me crazy but I was hoping for a bit more than that.

What I'd also say is that the hosting and entertaining of my in laws has never been my responsibility either - my husband did the majority so it never felt like a chore particularly.

Also not only did I live with my in laws (and it was my idea- DH was like really???) but after the birth of my kids MIL was more helpful than my mum.
I think what the OP is saying is why are people upset when shitty in laws don’t get or keep in touch? Is that really a loss? Possibly not. But there is always a sense of loss for your partner’s sake.

I totally understand feeling that way if it’s your own parents—not seeing them as much as you’d like can be painful, especially if you’re close. You want your kids to have the same love and positive memories you had as a child. But in-laws? They’re essentially strangers, and the only thing in common between you is your DP / their son

That makes no sense whatsoever. They're 'only' your ILs but they're your husbands parents. Would you like him to dismiss your parents as 'only ILs'

Some ILs actually like each other. My SIL and my Mum get on great. I get on well with my SIL.

My parents saw one of their grandchildren at the hospital when she was less than an hour old. They were the first to see her - at my SIL suggestion

My parents (then latterly my Mum) babysat regularly, did childcare & overnighters.

We go away once a year as a family & have a great time. My mum has gone on holiday with my Brother & SIL - at their invitation.

We actually all like each other. Yes my brother was initially the only connection we had but as their family expanded so did our connections. We're family now.

We spend every Christmas together. And another trend we've bucked - my brother & SIL are far closer to our side of the family than hers.

Yes we could have looked on each other as 'just ILs' but I'm glad we didn't. We & my brothers children would have lost out on so much

I have a 3-year-old and a 5-year-old, and they absolutely adore DP’s parents.
Didn't you start by answering your own question?

I think it’s sad for your DC if you don’t foster the relationship with both sets of grandparents. My DC lost both sets of grandparents when they were really young and I’m really sad that they haven’t experienced that relationship.