To not understand why people want involved in laws

Op, I think it depends on how you grew up. My grandparents were dead before I was born so all I had was an exceptionally annoying spinster aunt. My parents weren't great either so I grew up avoiding older relatives and seeing them as a negative.

I was surprised by the affection from one boyfriend's parents and relieved that another boyfriend had no older relatives. Much less complicated.

But some people see them as a positive, a helpful support network and so are upset when they don't want to be involved.

But in-laws? They’re essentially strangers

What a strange thing to think.

Are your children’s grandparents in-laws strangers to your children? You know, the ones that visit twice a month? Why are you allowing these god awful strangers into your home twice a month?

What a horrible op. Out of the 4 people in your home 3 of them are directly related to your in laws.
Are you one if these women who think only your parents count?

Sadly enough I did feel like this when mine was a newborn. We hardly saw my partners mum before having a baby then suddenly as soon as we arrived home she wanted to appear unannounced at my house everyday and pluck my baby out of my arms. I hate to say it but it did feel like a stranger was trying to steal my baby!! Things have changed now, I would definitely not see her as a stranger anymore. But can kind of understand it if you barely every saw them before kids.

What? How ridiculous. Your in laws have as much of a blood connection to your children as your parents do. I’d wager most parents want as many loving supportive people around their children as possible. I imagine your husband would be quite hurt by your comments. Unless of course your in laws are disconnected and uninvolved and did a rubbish job of bringing up your DH.
But surely that’s equally likely to be true of the mother’s parents? Unless you think all the terrible parents out there are only parents of boys?
If it was your DH asking you this question (as well he might) you’d think he was crazy.
Strange question.

I hope it isn't but the stuff people come out with doesn't shock me anymore.

If you get past the title, the OP is actually asking why people are upset when their in-laws don't take an interest - she's not expecting everyone with nice, involved inlaws to justify why they like them being involved.

It's how I feel - my in-laws are OK, but they're not that interested in small kids, they didn't want to be hands on and in fact they emigrated when my oldest niece was a baby. They don't really interact much with small kids, at least when they are together - MIL is a bit more interested when she is on her own but she never visits on her own. When they came when the kids were small I would spend a lot of time trying to entertain the kids while MIL and FIL chatted politics with DH. Am I sad that we didn't have more of those visits? No I am not.

Nope. We got married for the legal protections, predominantly. Nowt in the vows about taking on each other’s family………

DH’s family is enormous. We put in enormous effort to see them regularly for 5+ years before having DD (their first grandchild). When we did they were furious that (after a traumatic birth which included significant injury for me) we wouldn’t take her on the 5 hour trip to them within a week of birth. They eventually relented and visited when she was 2 weeks old, for 2 hours (to prove a point) and spent the entire visit bemoaning the fact that they “didn’t know what to do with girls” and that she’d never “play football for England” (none of their 4 sons play any sport competitively so no idea where that came from).

DH is the black sheep for daring to move away (for uni) and build a life more than a stone’s throw from them. And marrying a woman with a career and better things to do than housework and producing multiple babies? They can’t forgive that.

They've made this bed. Not us.

Sadly, most of those it would apply to are too entitled and selfish to realise it was aimed at them!

Because they are decent people and I don't have this competitive twisted view of them that seems popular

If your DP said this about your parents how would you feel?

By your logic if he did feel the same as you then your children could grow up without any grandparents in their lives.

How very sad for your children and the GPs that you have said they adore.

I think because some people want their children to have the experience of knowing all of their family. They want them to have a connection to everyone who has played a role in their existence. I know the benefits my child has from being close to all his family members and how important that is. I don't want my child to be insular.

I want him to experience love from all corners of his family tree.

I understand completely.

I suspect it’s mainly those who need more of a support network.

Married for 30 years
Have a nice relationship with in-laws but leave all arrangements ,present buying etc to DH

Glad you are not my DIL .

They conceived, birthed and raised the man you (assuming) love more than any other and chose to have children with…

I was rolling my sleeves up ready for a discussion about draft bills and the House of Commons v House of Lords and voter apathy. <disappointed>

@ThatIsNotMyNameSoWhyAreYouCallingMeThat

I was hoping someone would say this! 🤣

What a strange attitude @anonymoussse . You will probably be an in-law one day, I wonder how you would feel with that kind of attitude.

Your in-laws are your DH’s parents and your children’s grandparents. You sound horrible to be frank.

You sound lovely

Shout out my awesome in-laws! I love mine. I wish they would visit more often.

I don’t enjoy visiting with in-laws. MIL and SIL are like two peas in a pod and both are emotionally unstable people. They don’t care much about our DC and prefer to make visits about themselves. Pre-baby, I feel we wasted a lot of years driving long distances to see them, buying many gifts for DC’s cousin (SIL’s kid) and her step kids, and on return we have gotten nothing for these efforts when we had a baby. SIL is probably one of the most unpleasant people I have ever met.

I grit my teeth and smile for the sake of peace. I’m glad we live far away enough to see them a handful of times in the year (that is, we have to bundle DC in the car and drive ages in bad traffic to see them, they won’t bother to come see us).

Uh? When you say "we probably wouldn't be friends" are you talking for your husband?

They’re essentially strangers, and the only thing in common between you is your DP / their son

They’re genetically linked to your children. If they were in any way harmful to your children or even indifferent to them I could understand not wanting them around but if they love your children? That’s two more people to help them feel valued, get a sense of where they come from and build their self esteem.

Good grandparents can be such a positive influence. They’re not parenting so they often have more time and patience with the children. When you’re only visiting for the afternoon and you’re not trying to run through a list of all the things you need to get done before the bedtime routine starts, you can give your full attention to whatever dance, game or song the child wants to show you. That attention builds confidence.

It’s very personal, isn’t it?

I adore my in laws and enjoy having them around just as much (maybe even more than) my own parents. They’re some of the very best people I know. I’d be devastated if they dropped out of our lives.

Life would be a lot easier if DILs and PIL were matched by their ideas of what the ideal DIL-PIL and grandparent- grandchild relationship should look like. I know there are some truly awful people out there and some people who are difficult to deal with but so much of the conflict between DILs and ILs is about mismatched expectations.