Should I have told my family about my pregnancy and birth?

I think you should contact them, and I think that should be your starting point.

Did you find it easier to deal with the loss that they didn't know about? Having to manage only your own emotions and not feeling responsible for theirs? I suspect I would.

I think I would tell them that you had five losses not four, and that you were so sure this was going to be a sixth loss that the only way you could cope was by doing as you had done with your fifth loss. That you realise now that your coping strategy also affected them, but you had been too deep in grief and anticipated further grief that you did not see that at the time. That your cousin has told you of their hurt and sorrow, and you are genuinely sorry to have caused those feelings when you had thought you were shielding them from your pain.

"I feel terrible and wanted to reach out to them, but my husband is against it. He dislikes the way they have gone about it and says we don't owe anyone access to our lives, even family."
I disagree with your husband. I suspect he thinks he is protecting you from what he perceives as your family's unkindness. But while their distance may feel unkind, there's a lot of them not being able to understand what you have gone through - because they have never gone through such devastation, except at second-hand. And they feel discarded.

Your aunts and cousins are your son's family too. Doesn't he deserve to know them? I would reach out to them.

I can see it from both sides - completely understandable how you went about it and I don't think you've done anything wrong at all, but at the same time they feel shut out and hurt so maybe (if you want to maintain a relationship with them) reaching out would be a good idea. A previously close friend of mine didn't tell me about her pregnancy at all and I only heard about the birth through a mutual friend, and it of felt like a clear "this friendship isn't important to me" signal (esp. as when I'd been pregnant she was one of the first people I told). So I get where they're coming from but also you had to look after yourself 💕

I think your family are seriously lacking in empathy if they can't understand that after losing a baby at 18 weeks, you might not want to tell everyone about a subsequent pregnancy at 13 weeks. You've had a very hard journey to parenthood, I'm so sorry for your losses and congratulations on your little boy.

You don't need to apologise, but if you value the relationships and want to give them a chance to see sense, an explanation will give them that opportunity, since they've been too insentsitive work it out for themselves. If they don't grasp that opportunity to back down and start behaving with a bit more care towards you, I don't think I'd be giving them a second chance.

It's a pathetic way to behave and makes it all about them. How could anyone who knows what you've been through not understand why you were so hesitant to share your news and enjoy your pregnancy.

My instinct is to tell them all to fuck off but for the sake of future relationships I like the idea of explaining but absolutely, not apologising.

Op I don't think you did anything wrong. You sound like you had something like PTSD. Your focus was on you and the baby, as it should be. If they're off with you now, well that's their loss. Congratulations on your amazing baby!!!!

My god you sound horrendous!!! No wonder she didn't tell you.

I think your cousin is a dumb twunt for telling you all this.
Who supported you during your pregnancy, if not your family? Or, did you and your DH totally close ranks?
You've experienced multiple losses and got childhood trauma from addict parents. I empathise 100%, as experienced both. It can make it hard to trust reality (I was on edge throughout my only 'successful' (twin!) pregnancy)) and I don't trust my family with precious information.
You don't owe anyone an explanation or apology, but the lukewarm response to the birth may be indicative of hurt feelings on the part of some family members. Only apologise if you feel authentically sorry. Only 'explain' if you value the familial relationships.
And, enjoy as much as you can (if sleep deprived!) the blessing of your beautiful child. It never erases the pain of previous losses, but holding your own baby at long last? Nothing like it!
💚

This is lovely.

OP, you did what you had to do to make your life as stress free as possible, no one with an ounce of empathy could fail to understand that. The wording suggested above perfectly sums that up and offers a sensible and drama-free way forward.

Congratulations 💐

You did what was right for you at the time.
I think telling people at 20 weeks and not announcing the birth until you’re home and settled is pretty normal.
For what it’s worth I would do exactly the same.

Huge congratulations to you.

I would guess not telling them until 3 days later after the birth would sting a bit tbh if it were me and I considered you close family.

It's easily fixed. Just tell them what you told us. Time alone won't heal it, it'll only make it worse.

Congrats on your new baby!

I would write to them. In a nice card. With a photo of the baby attached.

They may not have experienced the horrific sadness you have and may not fully understand the fear involved.

Tell them about your journey. That you were scared of telling anyone in case it jinxed the pregnancy and you were scared to even believe it yourself after last time. As having to go through that and tell them the sad news nearly broke you.

That this time you were desperate to tell them good news but were too scared to do so.

That you never told anyone else the news either (in case they think they were the odd ones out) and in a way you shut down because if the dread of losing another baby.

But that you're delighted to share the news now and are beginning to let go of the all consuming fear and introduce little baby soandso to them before anyone else and hope they can now understand why you pulled back from your most loved family members during the last 9 months, it was nothing personal with them and everything to do with your own mental health.

And say you're sorry for any distress my pulling away caused you. It was not intentional. It was a self defence mechanism that i couldn't overcome and I hope you can forgive that as I was not coping.

So sorry for your loss.

OP. I also don't think you need to beg anyone's forgiveness. They should have enough sense to realise that you've been through a lot.

Would your cousin convey this to them.

Jesus you’re petty

I'm so sorry for your losses. I'm so glad you got your rainbow, baby ❤️

Do they know of your previous losses and struggle with conceiving? If no then I can understand why they'd be hurt.

If yes, they should be a lot more understanding but again they are still allowed to feel hurt

You've done nothing wrong, if you want to try to make peace, I'd just explain as you did here why you didn't want to announce and leave it at that.

Congratulations on your baby 💙

They’re your family. It sounds like they did the job of raising you and protecting you from your shitty parents. Talk to them. Just go and talk to them. Tell them why you acted the way you did. It doesn’t need to be an apology, just an explanation of your perspective so they can understand it wasn’t anything about them. If they don’t understand after that then they are behaving terribly but you need to explain and give them a chance.

It does explain why she wasn't told though!

You won't be winning any Aunt of the Year awards any time soon. 😮

That's a horrible way to treat a child who had nothing to do with not letting you know about his birth within your approved timeframe.

It's also cutting off your nose to spite your face as you have cut off a family member who could have brought you much joy over the years.

You sound completely batshit