Should I have told my family about my pregnancy and birth?

Firstly, congratulations on your little one!

Secondly - your family are being very unreasonable. We didn’t tell anyone (inc parents) until after the 20week scan with our first baby, in case there were any issues. No previous losses just being cautious. Nobody seemed to think it was odd that we waited until then to announce. when baby arrives we did tell parents on the day but I don’t think it’s unreasonable to wait until day 3 if you/baby weren’t well.

You have nothing to apologise for - enjoy your baby!

Your family need to understand how tough it was for you. Your mind was focused on hour to hour day to day getting through. You felt detached for half your pregnancy and after all you’ve been through it’s completely understandable. Your family needs to step up and start being nice to you. They sound selfish though. Just let them get on with selfish whilst you get on with looking after your new family.

Well, let's hope the op's family are more empathetic than you are. I'm dumbfounded that you could read the OP's story ( you have read all her posts?) and conclude that you would distance yourself from her ! Instead of understanding why they acted as they did .

I absolutely agree with this. You've been through something terrible and it's your story to tell. Or not to tell. You really don't owe them anything. If I was your family member I'd just assume you had good reasons not to say anything so wouldn't even flinch that you haven't told me (or told me late) about your pregnancy and baby.

Massive congrats though 🥳

You haven't done anything wrong OP you did what you needed to do to protect your mental health and own sanity.

FWIW I didn't tell anyone about my pregnancy with DS2 until 18 weeks for my parents and 20 weeks for DH parents (my MIL had done some crazy stuff when I had a 15 week miscarriage) and we didn't tell anyone else til 24 weeks (I hadn't had clear scans with DS2 til 24 weeks). I definitely resonate with the description of blinkers on to get through.

Agree you don't need to apologise you did what you needed to do to protect yourself and stop the potential spiral of others when you have a constant dread feeling. If you want to explain then by all means do so but you did what you did for protection simple as.

Enjoy all your baby cuddles I found it definitely helped heal my wounded heart and I didn't realise how much til I had those.

I can understand why they will feel they want to distance themselves you done so to them.

I’m not so sure you are “team family”; there’s a boy, your nephew, who has an aunt who completely ignores his birthday, on purpose.

Yes this. OP congratulations! It might make you feel better to explain, but I don’t think any apology is necessary. You did what you needed to get you and the wee one through.

How unlucky your sister is to have one like you. And to take it out on your nephew by ignoring his birthday? Disgusting. I'm sure he'll grow up Happy enough not to have bitter influences in his life though.

Also I'll never forget the look on a friend's face when I went to meet her for coffee about a week before my due date and completely forgot that I hadn't actually told her I was pregnant.

Congratulations on the birth of your precious baby. And I'm sorry your family are struggling to see things from your perspective.

I think it's possible to reach out to them and acknowledge that they feel hurt without apologising as such.

Dear all,
As you know we experienced desperate heartbreak over the last ... years. The loss of our precious babies has been almost unbearable. We didn't dare let ourselves believe this time it might be different. We couldn't allow ourselves to be excited or reach out to you all until it was finally a reality and xxxxx was actually here. We hope you understand what we were going through and know it wasn't to exclude you. We really hope you can now share in our joy and we would love for you to meet xxx

That sort of thing?

I did pretty much exactly the same as you for the same reasons and nobody minded. I wouldn't apologise but I would explain - I know you must be wondering why I didn't tell you sooner, i honestly just couldn't let myself believe that I'd end up with a baby at the end of this. I think I just went into self-preservation mode. I really hope you can understand.

They'll either get it or choose to continue to take offence.

First of all - what wonderful news! Congratulations on the birth of your baby xxx
I can’t see what you have done wrong - you told people at your 20 week scan. Given your previous losses, this is both reasonable and sensible. What on earth is their beef with you??
oh and PS congratulations again, and please DO NOT let this take any shine from the birth of your lovely new baby x

I’m so sorry for your losses.
i just wanted to say, you shouldn’t feel bad for protecting yourself and putting your needs first in the pregnancy and after loss and now. You did what you did because you were in survival mode of getting through each day even.

i’m actually currently doing exactly what you have done avoiding people, avoiding what’s happening to protect my heart, not even mentioning it tbh.. pregnancy after loss is hard. So hard in fact. (We lost a little girl at 20 weeks)
I think be gentle with yourself and do what makes you happy. But personally I don’t think you owe anyone an apology and if they loved and cared for you they wouldn’t even think you needed to apologises

take care and enjoy the small moments with your newborn.

They sound thick as pigshit......delaying telling of a pregnancy after losses particularly after a pregnancy loss later on like you had is normal. The reasons behind it are understandable. If they can't see that then that's their problem.

Enjoy your baby. And don't give their ridiculous behavior anymore head space.

Imagine being this self absorbed and narcissistic. The mind boggles

"So now I never acknowledge his birthday"

WindowsSmindows this is truly spiteful & vindictive

What type of people behave like this? My God!

People that haven’t experienced loss like yours will never get it. You can try to explain if you like but they will most not really comprehend and it sounds like from their initial reaction that they lack the empathy to even try.

Speaking as someone who has also experienced a late loss I can totally understand why did what you did. It’s not an enjoyable experience, you just have to get through it. You have to do what’s best for you and your mental health - no one else’s!

As someone who had one early miscarriage and got pregnant a decade later with a surprise, I can understand, when you're just trying to run the clock to a happy ending.....fuss and stress from other people just wasn't what I could handle...the baby that few people knew about is now 7. No regrets. I understand the thought process, if you're not close it's just easier x

You have done nothing wrong but if you explained to them, as you have to us, they will understand.

Congratulations on the birth of your baby, that is marvellous news.

But what do you need to apologise about really?

My thoughts too!