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Original poster

Grandparent visits how to tell them to go home?

65 replies

Jshnk · 21/11/2024 16:49

My mum likes coming over to ours mid week to see the grandkids. She lives an hour away (we are all in London) and usually comes around 4.30 when kids finish their clubs. Thats all fine and good but she then doesn't leave till 8 or even later. The kids don't go to bed till really late and we rush around trying to fit shower, tasks etc and get totally frazzled.

I don't want to be rude but have no idea how to tell her it's time to go. Hints that she really needs to go by 7.30 at the latest don't work. How best to put it without offending?

OP posts:
Gummybear23 · 21/11/2024 18:34

Mom do you want stay the night.

ChaoticCrumble · 21/11/2024 18:33

I'd tell her on text so she can't gloss over it but use a nice message while remaining clear about it.

itsmabeline · 21/11/2024 18:30

Say "Hi mum, the kids need to be in bed by 8 so you need to leave by 7. Thanks"

coxesorangepippin · 21/11/2024 18:28

What silkworm said

Get to the point, goddamit

AnnaMagnani · 21/11/2024 18:27

She probably is lonely - however she has created a life for herself where her only social contacts are her adult children and GCs. No neighbours, friends, hobby groups etc

OP it sounds like she has a very thick skin given she had to be told she can't have the GCs every weekend. Have you tried getting on with bed time and saying 'you have to go now mum, GC needs his sleep so I'll be on my own with him now'

Newhere5 · 21/11/2024 18:22

I’m going to go against the grain here.
She’s your Mum,she might be feeling lonely.
I’d feel quite bad sending my Mum home earlier if it’s once a week and she delays bedtime by 90 mins

Original poster
Jshnk · 21/11/2024 18:20

The main reason why it's become an issue now is because she used to come on Tuesdays at 3.15 but now she helps my brother with childcare so that's no longer possible. So now she comes later and there is no way round that.

OP posts:
roastiepotato · 21/11/2024 18:15

I read this on here, you have to get their coat and say lovely to see you but I'm afraid it's time to go now see you next week

ErrolTheDragon · 21/11/2024 18:14

Oh she would be mortified to have to do any of the tasks with the kids.

So I suppose a bit of washing up or ironing would be out of the question?

PurpleH · 21/11/2024 18:13

Is there a day they don’t have clubs so she could arrive earlier? Then she might leave earlier.
if not, I agree with pp - give her a task and be nice but firm about it “can you take X up for a bath while I clear the table” or “can you read them a story while I do a bit of work”
if she doesn’t, politely suggests she’ll have to head off because it’s bedtime

Original poster
Jshnk · 21/11/2024 18:12

@Livelovebehappy we have already done that but shebdoesnt take the hint, just follows me around with a cup of tea chatting while I sort the kids out.

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 21/11/2024 18:08

I’d just consciously have a cut off time in my head, then as soon as that time arrives, just go about the homework, showers, supper etc, around her. When she’s sat alone on the sofa whilst you’re busy with their bedtime routine,she might take the hint, unless she’s thick skinned.

Original poster
Jshnk · 21/11/2024 18:05

Oh she would be mortified to have to do any of the tasks with the kids. She is in her mid-70s and whilst she wants company, she doesn't really like doing tasks.

Sadly she doesn't really have any friends or hobbies and having raised three kids would really just like to come and sit in our houses and sort of relive having a full house again. Thankfully we all live in London so she does get to see us all quite a bit.

OP posts:
SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 21/11/2024 17:59

I bet she has no idea how inconvenient her visits are, and might be absolutely mortified to find out. You could tell instead that her that the kids seem tired in the mornings, maybe school is harder work than it was or it's the cold dark weather, but whatever the cause, you'd like her to help you get them tucked in bed by 7 (or whatever), by supervising their showers or reading the stories or whatever. Get her onside.

Viviennemary · 21/11/2024 17:53

TomatoSandwiches · 21/11/2024 16:52

Can she do it on a Friday instead so being up a bit later isn't so bad?

This is a good idea. I think it would be quite mean to ask her to leave early. It isn't like she is staying till midnight.

dothehokeycokey · 21/11/2024 17:49

I used to get home from work at 8.30 after 12 hour shifts and sometimes my mum would be there when I got bak Confused

Just wanting a cup of tea and a chat (to moan at me for ages about whatever)like I didn't have tea to eat and stuff to do after a very long day.

In the end I had to gently tell her that the end of a 12 hour shift is totally not when I want to sit and chat after a day of it and not to just rock up after work days.

It worked but you need to tell her.

If she's anything like my mum shel be oblivious until you point it out

Sanch1 · 21/11/2024 17:45

I mean, she's your mum, just tell her! I don't understand why people get themselves in a tizzy about this type of stuff!

carkerpartridge · 21/11/2024 17:43

Could you invite her over earlier in the afternoon, maybe to do the school run with you or on her own? That way she could spend a few hours with the grandkids before leaving at a more reasonable time.

Flossflower · 21/11/2024 17:42

You either just need to tell her or just get with the routine. I usually bath my grandchildren and put them to bed when I am there.

MadnessIsMyMiddleName · 21/11/2024 17:36

OP, you say that 'she doesn't do any tasks and doesn't assume she should help', but have you actually ASKED her to help, and if so, has she refused? If she's refused, then you'll just have to tell her that coming in the week upsets the children's routine, as they get so excited by her being there, that that stay awake much later than normal, so can she come on a Friday in future. Of course if you find she was only waiting to be asked to help, then that should be fun for her and the kids, and take a chore or two off your back.

chattyness · 21/11/2024 17:35

Insist on sticking to the routine you have when she isn't there and she can either get involved or go home, but the shower & any other bedtime tasks stay in place as usual.

MasterPretender · 21/11/2024 17:32

We had a similar issue and now we just invite them on a Friday or Saturday evening for dinner or let them tag along during the day on Saturday or Sunday depending on what we have planned.

When the weekend isn't suitable for either of us then we do it during the week, but it only happens about once a month that neither can do the weekend, which we're OK putting up with.

I think the important point is that we initially get to pick the time that suits us depending on our timetable.

Original poster
Jshnk · 21/11/2024 17:31

Ah she doesn't do any tasks and doesn't assume she should help. Also I still have to sit with one of the kids till they fall asleep at 9 and a couple of hours of work thereafter. So really if this is to carry on she needs to leave so the kids can go to sleep.

OP posts:
NewName24 · 21/11/2024 17:24

Pottedpalm · 21/11/2024 17:18

Honestly, how difficult can it be? Give her a task.. supervise bath for this one, then story for this one. We will chat over tea later, mum.

This.

Pottedpalm · 21/11/2024 17:18

Honestly, how difficult can it be? Give her a task.. supervise bath for this one, then story for this one. We will chat over tea later, mum.

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