30th birthday or friend's wedding?

I'd normally say wedding, but it is a bit cheeky to invite you three hours away and leave you with a big gap in the middle of the day. It does also depend on what your fiance wants to do for his birthday, if he had a big party or gathering of his own in mind, then I'd say do that, although could be awkward if the same set of friends are invited to the wedding, but if he just wants a quiet day with family I'd earmark Sunday for that and go to the wedding.

If it was my 30th no way would I let my DH miss his friend’s wedding. I’d do something the next weekend instead and actually getting all dressed up, getting a night away and being able to leave the wedding to go and do our own thing for dinner would be a nice little celebration in itself before re-joining for the party bit. (unless she’s left her guests not invited to the dinner left in the middle of nowhere with no good dinner options in which case don’t bother with the wedding at all).

Is he always this precious?

I think lots of people have missed the fact OP hasn't been invited to the meal

So being expected to travel to the ceremony, throw confetti, find somewhere to feed yourself in the afternoon, then travel to the evening party.

I went to a wedding like that and really wish I hadn't bothered. It's tight and rude.

Team Birthday.

Me neither.

Agreed 40th was a big one but 30ths and 50ths weren't really a thing a generation ago.

Maybe it was around 20years ago they became things. I remember having a trip with pals for our 30ths.

But I also know a decade earlier my mums 50th passed with barely a glance. 60th was a big one esp for women and 65th for men which sort of doubled as retirement.

I would go where I had the best chance of being fed dinner.

When did people start this nonsense of inviting people to the ceremony and the evening bit but not providing dinner to guests?

I'd go to the wedding, but I'm not a subscriber to this big birthday nonsense. When did it start? Never used to hear people making a fuss over 21 except 40th maybe and that would be the nearest weekend

He's your fiance, so presumably you're planning a wedding. If a close friend said they couldn't come to your wedding because it was their fiancé's birthday, his would you feel? I'd be guided by that, basically.

To be honest it depends how good a friend really! I missed a very good friend’s wedding due to a sick child once and I still regret I wasn’t there.

edited to add we had people only come to the church because they had to go somewhere else and appreciated it. Even with travel that’s probably doable?

I have to say that I think adults being obsessed by their own birthdays is something alien that I just don’t understand.

Friend is getting married once in a lifetime (hopefully). Weddings are a hideous pain in the arse to organise. It’s not at all movable.

Fiancé is having a birthday. He has one every year (albeit not a round number of 10 birthday). I think it’s pretty selfish of him to want you to miss a good friend’s wedding for this. It would be different if he had a venue booked or several people coming, but he literally wants to stay home with his family (which i will say in itself is nice) - this is a ridiculous reason not to go to the wedding of a good friend.

Id expect the friend to be quite pissed off about this reason for not coming. You can have time at home with family anytime. And actually most days.

i spent my 30th birthday getting my stitches in my vag (following birth of dc2) looked at. We did nothing for it at all.

If the wedding invite doesn't include a meal I'd decline it out of principle. How bloody cheeky - expecting you to travel all that distance (and presumably accepting your gifts) and not even feeding you!

If I were the bride, you wouldn't even be getting an invitation if you weren't supporting my choice of a childfree wedding 😆

Usually I'd say wedding over birthday.
However, 3 hours travelling and not invited to the meal? No thanks! Rude to expect you to wait for them to eat. Plus I wouldn't want to leave very young children for so long

It's pretty immature for a grown man to stamp his feet and insist that he is the centre of attention for just a birthday, when that prevents the OP attending something which is a complete once off.

HTH.

Remove the birthday from the equation. She wants you to travel a 6 hour round trip, spend x on an outfit, x on a gift, and then she cant even be arsed to feed you and you've got to fuck off for a few hours?? No thanks

Obviously not a good friend if she’s kicking her out her wedding for half the day to come back later

I'd think very little of a partner who wasn't willing to show a bit of wiggle room over a birthday. He has one every year, and it's not like you have to celebrate it on the day.

If you were invited properly to the full wedding day I'd go to that but an invite to a ceremony and then evening reception is a bit weird so team 30th birthday here!

As pp have said, weddings happen once. Birthdays happen every year and don't have to be celebrated on the day. Even my 9 year old was fine having her birthday party 10 days after her birthday last year, because we wanted to visit some friends and her birthday was the only date that worked. She said it was like having two birthdays. You're not even planning anything that can't be easily moved. Any large wedding is going to clash with somebody's birthday, and I've never heard of anyone say they can't go because it's their partners birthday

Personally I'd go to the wedding and fiance would have to suck it up and celebrate 30th birthday the following weekend or the weekend before.

Birthdays happen every year, after all, weddings don't.

What was planned first - the small family party at home for your fiance's 30th, or your friends wedding?

I'd go to the wedding. If there's time between the ceremony and the evening do then go for a lovely lunch and drinks and book a nice hotel.

I wouldn't put a good friend's wedding before a birthday.

@petitesongbird Well if it was just a straight choice, with no other issues I would say you and your Fiance ABU not to go to the wedding because a birthday can be celebrated on a different day.

BUT I have voted YANBU because there are plenty of other reasons why YANBU to not want to go to the wedding, that have nothing to do with your Fiance's Birthday at all.

You are not actually really invited to anything other than the evening Service. Not sure where they are getting married - but if in a church, anyone can go and watch a wedding. If it's a Registry Office it will be over in a few minutes. It's really very selfish to invite people to watch the ceremony - but no we're not feeding you and you'll have to hang around for between 3 and 4 hours waiting for the evening do to start, dressed up and having to find somewhere to go. AND it will take you 3 hours to get there!!

Ditto with child free weddings. If you invite people with children and tell them it's no children, you need to expect that some will be unable to attend at all.

It is their day and they can, of course, do what they like - but making choices like that, means they need to accept that some people who would like to be there won't be able to make it

So YANBU for telling your friend that you can't go - but don't use your Fiance's Birthday as the excuse as that is more difficult for anyone to understand. Distance to travel and small children are perfectly good excuses. Especially as you could say Fiance will need to stay at home to look after small children and that means you'd have to go alone to boot!!

I’d be very miffed if my friend didn’t come to my wedding because her fiancé was having some cake at home… weddings are (hopefully) once in a lifetime! And I assume it’s a good friend? I’d go somewhere really nice for lunch between the ceremony and reception, you’ll be dressed up! And then stay overnight and go home for birthday celebrations the next day.

The birthday reason is unreasonable. I'd skip a wedding where I was wasn't invited to the entire day, 3 hours away, and had to get childcare. For those reasons YANBU.

Have you seen the details of the wedding?