Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

30th birthday or friend's wedding?

312 replies

petitesongbird · 21/11/2024 14:22

AIBU?

A good friend of mine is getting married. She told me the date whilst in the presence of my fiancé, and I said (rather shocked) oh, that's my fiancé's 30th birthday. I shook it off at the time as I honestly didn't know what to say and said I'd try to sort something.

We've now had the save the date through and we're both invited to the ceremony and the evening reception, but not the meal in between (family only to this part of the day). No children are invited and we have two small children (one is currently only a few months old). The latter point is fine; I totally understand this rule.

The ceremony is at 2pm and the evening reception is at 6pm. It would take 3 hours to travel to the venue from where we live. My fiancé has expressed very clearly to me that this is not how he wants to spend his 30th birthday, for several reasons. The main reasons being the fact if we go together, he doesn't get a proper celebration and will be separated from his children on this birthday, and if I go alone and he takes care of the children, he won't be with me on his 30th birthday, and again wouldn't be able to celebrate properly.

Even if I just attended the ceremony, I'd have to leave by 11am and would return home by approx. 6/7pm (and therefore most of the day will have gone). If I attempted to go solely for the evening reception, I'd have to leave at 3pm and would return home around 1am. Any which way I look at this, the logistics aren't easy but the overwhelming factor for me is that my fiancé stated to me very clearly that all he wants to do is be with his family on his 30th birthday.

Am I therefore being unreasonable by telling this friend I can't attend? She is a good friend, but this is my fiancé, and my gut is in this instance that I need to put my family first. I have previously not attended a friend's birthday when it was my Grandpa's 90th birthday, for example. I just feel like no matter what I do, I'm letting someone down, which is a rubbish feeling.

OP posts:
Alwayswonderedwhy · 21/11/2024 17:06

I think if you're the type of people that think birthday celebrations have to take place on the actual day and can't be done on another close date then give the wedding a miss.

MagentaRocks · 21/11/2024 17:05

The birthday is irrelevant. I wouldn’t not go to a wedding because of a birthday but I wouldn’t go to a wedding where I have to travel for hours and then have to disappear for the afternoon after only being invited to some of it.

betterangels · 21/11/2024 17:04

You're not invited to the meal and your kids aren't invited.

They're not expecting you to come.

MayaPinion · 21/11/2024 17:01

I agree with almost everyone else. As you’re not invited to the meal your presence isn’t a priority, in which case you should not make the wedding your priority. It would be absolutely no fun anyway - a very long day with lots of hanging around. It’s just not really practical for you to go. Send her a card and a present and enjoy a lovely day with your family.

WinWhenTheyreSinging · 21/11/2024 17:01

Another saying that if you were invited to the whole day, I would expect a 30 year old to be OK with celebrating another day.

When you are only invited to the ceremony and the evening, not so much ...

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 21/11/2024 16:58

You've got to do what feels right to you. For what it's worth, in your position, since the bride is a good friend, I would find a babysitter for the day and go to the wedding (with DP), enjoy seeing you friend married, take him out for a slap-up lunch in the 'meal beak', and make the day before or after the main family celebration of his birthday.
I find it surprising that an adult would mind so much about this coincidence of dates - to be honest, I think it's a bit childish.

rocketgal · 21/11/2024 16:58

petitesongbird · 21/11/2024 16:54

Thanks everyone so far; very helpful responses.

The only other point I wanted to make was that this is a friend who made a huge deal of her own 30th (big party and a trip to New York). In comparison, I was in lockdown for my own and had no celebration at all, so I'm certainly not someone who has delusions of grandeur about big celebrations for birthdays! :)

The bride should appreciate that your husband wants to celebrate then and that it's important to him. I would suggest taking them out for a nice meal after the wedding as you couldn't be there to celebrate on the day

HamptonPlace · 21/11/2024 16:58

petitesongbird · 21/11/2024 14:22

AIBU?

A good friend of mine is getting married. She told me the date whilst in the presence of my fiancé, and I said (rather shocked) oh, that's my fiancé's 30th birthday. I shook it off at the time as I honestly didn't know what to say and said I'd try to sort something.

We've now had the save the date through and we're both invited to the ceremony and the evening reception, but not the meal in between (family only to this part of the day). No children are invited and we have two small children (one is currently only a few months old). The latter point is fine; I totally understand this rule.

The ceremony is at 2pm and the evening reception is at 6pm. It would take 3 hours to travel to the venue from where we live. My fiancé has expressed very clearly to me that this is not how he wants to spend his 30th birthday, for several reasons. The main reasons being the fact if we go together, he doesn't get a proper celebration and will be separated from his children on this birthday, and if I go alone and he takes care of the children, he won't be with me on his 30th birthday, and again wouldn't be able to celebrate properly.

Even if I just attended the ceremony, I'd have to leave by 11am and would return home by approx. 6/7pm (and therefore most of the day will have gone). If I attempted to go solely for the evening reception, I'd have to leave at 3pm and would return home around 1am. Any which way I look at this, the logistics aren't easy but the overwhelming factor for me is that my fiancé stated to me very clearly that all he wants to do is be with his family on his 30th birthday.

Am I therefore being unreasonable by telling this friend I can't attend? She is a good friend, but this is my fiancé, and my gut is in this instance that I need to put my family first. I have previously not attended a friend's birthday when it was my Grandpa's 90th birthday, for example. I just feel like no matter what I do, I'm letting someone down, which is a rubbish feeling.

Birthdays are for children. Tell him to grow up.

BigDahliaFan · 21/11/2024 16:56

So on the basis of most replies, it you were being at the meal too (which is family only) then you should go. But as she's not feeding you don't go .That doesn't seem anything to do with the birthday.....

mindutopia · 21/11/2024 16:55

I would think it was weird to not go to a wedding just because it’s your birthday. I mean, you get one of those every year and you can always celebrate the next day.

But honestly I wouldn’t go to a wedding where I was left out of the meal and was childfree. It sounds like a massive PITA, you’re going to have to sort childcare and you’re going to end up eating at a shitty Toby Carvery somewhere while you wait around for everyone else to eat. No, too awkward for me.

Switchingitup · 21/11/2024 16:54

Partner’s 30th would be my choice.
It’s a wedding, odds are that your friend is likely to have another. Plus, any invitation is just that, an invitation. You check your schedule and if free, decide if you wish to attend. Sadly for your friend, you are not free that weekend so cannot attend.

Original poster
petitesongbird · 21/11/2024 16:54

Thanks everyone so far; very helpful responses.

The only other point I wanted to make was that this is a friend who made a huge deal of her own 30th (big party and a trip to New York). In comparison, I was in lockdown for my own and had no celebration at all, so I'm certainly not someone who has delusions of grandeur about big celebrations for birthdays! :)

OP posts:
Sunnings · 21/11/2024 16:53

RosieFlamingo · 21/11/2024 14:43

As you're not invited to the whole day, I wouldn't be travelling that far, I would spend it celebrating fiancé's birthday.

You are not invited to the whole day and its very far away.
I wouldn't feel off about declining at all.

Itsallsostressful · 21/11/2024 16:51

Mmmm...its a tough one. On the one hand I didn't get the memo that's 30's are a big birthday so the fact it's a 30th wouldn't bother me.
However it's a long journey for part of a wedding...I also missed the memo that you invite people to ceremony and evening but not to the meal !

derxa · 21/11/2024 16:48

Dear OP. She’ll never speak to you ever again. Your fiancé sounds pathetic.

GrumpyCactus · 21/11/2024 16:45

I can't believe anyone is saying wedding. They sound like very shit friends to think it's acceptable to invite someone to their wedding so far away and leave them to entertain themselves for 4 hours until the evening do.

Yes weddings only happen once but given they obviously don't value you enough to even cover the basics and feed you then I'd absolutely prioritise the party.

ARichtGoodDram · 21/11/2024 16:43

If you were invited all day it would be different, but actually inviting people to come to two parts separated by hours is very rude.

And I'm from a background where evening invites are very common and people, if local, would pop along to the church for the ceremony, but you don't actually invite them for it.

No kids and no meal in a three hour gap means I'd be declining. And I love weddings.

SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 21/11/2024 16:42

I read the title and thought wedding is the priority as they only happen once and you have a birthday every year. But changed my mind when I saw that they have invited you to the ceremony and evening, but not the food in between! What is a guest supposed to do for a few hours while everyone else gets a meal, speeches etc? Not like you can go odd sight seeing or anything in your posh frock.

Just them being cheap and expecting people to travel but not be fed. Never heard of this before! Do the birthday celebration instead.

LivinInYourBigGlassHouseWithAView · 21/11/2024 16:41

I would normally say a wedding trumps a birthday, especially where plans haven't been actually made for a party. But not a piecemeal wedding invite where they're not even going to feed you despite needing to travel to attend. So rude. Bet they expect nice gifts from everyone, though.

Makingchocolatecake · 21/11/2024 16:40

If it was my 30th I think I'd just to go to DH's friend's wedding and celebrate the day after.

Could you stay near the wedding the night before or after as a bday thing, and go to the ceremony alone?

Makingchocolatecake · 21/11/2024 16:39

If it was my 30th I think I'd just to go to DH's friend's wedding and celebrate the day after.

Could you stay close to the wedding overnight the day before/after as a birthday thing and go to the ceremony alone?

GonnaBeASuperSaver · 21/11/2024 16:37

I just asked dh and he said he would absolutely opt for wedding if it was his special birthday. His words were they will only get married once, we can celebrate my birthday any other day.
I'd be the same tbh

Member984815 · 21/11/2024 16:32

I wouldn't go to the wedding , the massive gap you have to fill between the ceremony and party would put me off

Hedgenight · 21/11/2024 16:31

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 21/11/2024 14:30

i wouldn’t travel 3hrs to any wedding that I wasn’t invited to the meal regardless of the date.

Agree. I wish them well and send a card.
We went to a couple of hours away wedding (was my birthday weekend) wedding was my birthday. We went away with teenagers for weekend (was lovely) I also got a few etc cards. lol.
But we were invited to the whole day.

PeloMom · 21/11/2024 16:30

To be fair even without fiancé’s bday I wouldn’t go. A minimum 3 hr gap between events is not my idea of a fun way to spend a Saturday whoever it was getting married (let’s not even get into the time it takes to get there and back and standing around all made up and dressed up for hours 🥴). Either I’m invited to everything or I don’t go to anything.
In this case the birthday is a convenient excuse (not that anyone needs one).