30th birthday or friend's wedding?

we did that, went to church ceremony then evening do, but that was our choice and we were childless

if it is a church ceremony surely that is open to everyone?

team wedding- people don't always celebrate their birthday on the day - and surely childcare would mean you couldn't go out anyway so would be pretty low key
I can't actually remember what i did on my 30th- i can remember my friends weddings though!

I personally don't think a 30th birthday is that big a deal, but if your partner does, fine.
The bigger issue is the inconvenience of the child free wedding, and the nature of the invitation. I think it's rude to invite people to a ceremony but not the meal, and only the evening part. It just seems to me a way of getting more money/gifts with a reduced outlay.
Don't go. Not because of a birthday, but because it's too inconvenient.

YANBU, you’d be sitting around all afternoon, not a fun way to spend his 30th.

“We've now had the save the date through and we're both invited to the ceremony and the evening reception, but not the meal in between (family only to this part of the day).”

This is the reason to turn it down by the way, what are they expecting guests to do in between? I would normally say go to the wedding, that’s a bigger occasion than a birthday (there is no harm celebrating that a day after) but this would annoy me.

Very cheeky of the bride and groom to not invite anyone to the meal, what is she expecting people to do in between the ceremony and evening reception? Whole thing sounds a bit of a faff. I’d go to the ceremony with your husband and then go do your own thing for his birthday

I'd generally be team wedding, as unlike birthdays they don't happen every year. However, the practicalities of distance and childcare combined with having to fend for yourself in the middle of the day would make it a tricky proposition regardless of the landmark birthday factor. Send your apologies, and possibly a nice gift.

Team birthday here ! If you were invited to the whole thing and could take the children I would maybe make a weekend of it and celebrate both, maybe just going to part of the wedding, but the fact you can't take the kids means I would prioritise birthday celebrations

I’m team finance here. Regardless of ‘big birthday’ or not, it’s ludicrous to ask someone to attend your ceremony and hang around for a few hours, as you’re not invited to the meal! Basically, she’s tried to make an ‘evening only’ invitation sound better by inviting you to the (free and plenty of space) ceremony. If you were that important to her, you’d be invited all day. She has had to understandably prioritise her numbers. You didn’t make the cut for x guests. Prioritise your finance.

Celebrate your DHs birthday another day. People often have celebrations on a day separate to the actual date.
If he is complaining that he doesn't want to spend the day minding his children alone on his birthday then he needs to grow up. Life doesn't stop because it's your birthday. People go to work, have operations, look after sick family, do all sorts of things on their birthday. You can make a fuss of him another day.

Normally I would say go to the wedding, but in this case you are not good enough to be included in the reception, and the invitation is without children, and the awkwardness of ceremony - then a gap - then just the evening reception.
The distance itself would be offputting as well.
So, I would go with the fiance birthday.

I think your fiance is being a little bit selfish here - he could celebrate the day before or day after no, if it’s a close friend getting married? I wouldn’t think twice if a close friend of my DH was getting married on my birthday, as I know we would still do something nice.

Why were you “shocked” she planned it that day - I wouldn’t expect all my friends to know my DH birthday even after 15 years together!

HOWEVER she is being very unreasonable expecting you to travel 3 hours, leave your children and loiter around for hours while you wait for her family to have a delicious meal. So for that reason alone, it would be a hard no from me.

I didn’t attend a friends wedding as it clashed with my husbands 30th birthday. She wasn’t very happy to be honest but I think it’s a difficult situation and I think you probably have to prioritise your immediate family. I think it would be more difficult to miss the wedding if it was a family member or if you were part of the wedding party but if that’s not the case then I think the 30th birthday of a husband takes priority. Both are one off events.

I'd celebrate the birthday the next weekend. But that's just me.

My husband and I would happily attend a wedding on our birthdays, even our 30th and move a celebration to the weekend before or after, so at first that was my response. But when I read that you have to find childcare for small children (I'm not against people having child free weddings I would have had one as well but we eloped instead and we were childless at the time 🤣) but it's quite hard to organise this especially if you don't have people to look after them. I then read how far it was and so it would probably mean an overnight, again hard to organise with small children who aren't attending. Then I read how she isn't even feeding you and you've to attend the ceremony, entertain yourself for three hours and then come back for the party? No. This is when I change my mind and say don't go and do the birthday instead!

I would decline the invitation as a) it is your fiancé's 30th and b) you have to travel 3 hours to attend as an evening guest.

I'm with other posters. If you were invited to the full wedding, then a wedding trumps a 30th birthday.

However you've only been invited to the ceremony and the evening do- hard no to that, especially on your partner's birthday!

I was in a somewhat similar situation (but minus the children, which is obviously a crucial difference) and decided that a close friend‘s wedding was more important than celebrating my 30th birthday on the date I was actually born.

I was very happy with that decision. But that was my decision.

You would not be unreasonable to decline the invitation in this situation (imo).

I wouldn’t attend a wedding 3 hours away where I was invited to the ceremony and the party. It’s tacky and rude. I understand evening only invites but that is ridiculous. Go enjoy your boyfriend’s 30th birthday.

You aren't invited to the whole thing, just the ceremony and the reception, so you are in effect just an evening guest who gets to watch the ceremony. For this you have to travel 3 hours and leave your children. Spend the day with your family. I won't travel that far if I'm just invited to an evening do at the best of times.

I'd RSVP no based on the fact the bride has invited you to the ceremony and party but not the meal, wtf? I appreciate costs are high but this is ridiculous imo. What does she expect the guests to do!! Especially when you would have to travel so far. Also you have a baby who's only a few months old and are breastfeeding and they can't go with you, this would be a big no from me.

So many reasons to decline, including your partners 30th birthday and he doesn't want to go.

I'd decline the invite without a doubt. The bride doesn't seem very considerate to her guests tbh!

It really doesn't matter either way, so just do what you fancy. It's rather pathetic the DP can't have his birthday celebration on a different weekend. Not an issue to miss a wedding though, or only attend the service, or only attend the evening; it sounds like she's an acquaintance rather than a friend anyway.

I do agree she's been very cheeky to leave you out of the wedding breakfast BTW, that would sway me towards no wedding.

Unless you had a big 30th party already planned then I think wedding trumps birthday, it’s a bit weird to not attend the wedding just because it’s the same date as a birthday if you’re just going to be going out for a quiet lunch etc.

However, the fact that you’re expected to travel 3 hours and you’re not even invited to the wedding breakfast changes this for me - I don’t think I would go to this wedding even if I didn’t have a birthday! Such an odd money saving set up and a big ask for guests.

Unless the wedding is in a particularly amazing location that you would want to visit and explore anyway, this would be a no from me. But appreciate your friend might be offended if your only reason is “birthday” - perhaps you could say you’ll be away because it’s his birthday?

The kids aren't invited