30th birthday or friend's wedding?

I'd find this scenario really stressful.

It's very rude of your friend to invite you to the whole wedding with exception of wedding breakfast, particularly as it's a 6 hour round trip and your young baby is not invited.

You are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

YANBU to not attend.

Normally I would say that a wedding trumps a birthday (even a big one) because unless there's already a party arranged, the birthday can be celebrated another day.

But with the nature of the invite - leaving you hanging for half the day, no meal, not allowing children - the couple don't seem to be trying too hard to be accommodating.

In this scenario I'd probably skip the wedding, unless it was an extremely important close friend.

I agree. I don’t get it when adults want a big fuss on their birthday. When I was younger it was a good excuse for a knees up, but I never felt the need to be the centre of that. Now I’d be sad if key people forgot but don’t need a big celebration or anything.

I think the fiancé should just have his day the next day. They would have a lovely evening anyway.

I also feel like it’s cheeky to invite for the ceremony and evening do but not the wedding breakfast. Especially as it involves travel, outfit, present, childcare costs etc.

You're not that good a friend and not that important to the bride, otherwise you wouldn't be left out in the cold during the meal after making a 6hr round trip, taking overnight accommodation, and arranging childcare. The meal should be for anyone that's invited to the ceremony and the evening, sending out split-shift invites is just cheap.

It was a thing back in the 90s/ early 2000s. My dsis did it in 1994 and I did in 2000.

I agree with this. She also made an entire big hoopla about her 30th so she'll be a massive hypocrite to complain about you doing the same.

I wouldnt go. Not only due to the birthday but also due to the difficult logistics she has made

The bride and groom won’t care if you aren’t there. My DC missed my niece wedding as they had A levels coming up and didn’t want to miss any school.

Niece didn’t mind as all her main friends who she’s closer to were there for her.

Family tend to be around much longer than friends. You will find as you get older many of the friends you have when you are younger fall away and some don't even recognise you when you pass them in the street in years to come.

I would decline too, but expect it to impact the friendship. Very tricky situation, but I would put my dp first in your position.

That’s what I was thinking.

ive never heard of people being invited to the service but not the meal.

I'd go to the wedding. You don't have to celebrate your birthday on the day itself.

I wouldn't go to a wedding three hours away if was only an evening guest. The birthday is even more reason not to go.

I'd do your fiance's 30th and miss the wedding.

Family First~

Even without the birthday, I wouldn't organise child care & drive 3 hours each way for a partial invitation that doesn't include being invited to the meal.

I would be sorry to miss the wedding & I would send a gift & a card but my fiancé's 30th birthday would take priority. Nowadays it's a special one similar to an 18th or 21st. He wants to spend the whole day & evening celebrating & making memories with his family which is totally understandable.

The no food is crazy!

Are guests who can’t get to eat still expected to bring gifts?
Cheeky!

I think she is very rude expecting you to travel 3 hours and not inviting you to the meal.

That being said, I also think your DP is being selfish. Birthdays happen every year whereas weddings come along very seldom.

You say all he wants is a family party at home. Surely that can happen even if you attend the wedding ceremony. You say you will get home about 6 or 7so the party can take place in the early evening. After all if his birthday fell on a work/school day you wouldn't be spending the whole day together. That way you get to celebrate your both your friend's marriage and his birthday.

Or come home in the evening, have a cosy romantic evening together and have his party on the Sunday.

Birthday - what clinches it for me is that you're not invited to the whole wedding. There's nothing wrong with this; the B&G can organise the day however they want, but it shows you're not regarded as critical to the success of the day so you need feel no guilt about declining, whereas your fiancé clearly does regard you as critical to the success of his day.

“Blondeshavemorefun · 21/11/2024 17:42

He wants to spend his birthday with his kids and family. You and parents
The wedding is hours away and to make it worse you have to feed yourself and entertain for 3hrs and no kids
So I would decline the wedding invite”

This.

For me, it’s the childcare and travelling issues. It’s just not practical.

I found I missed out on a number of special events around my own 30th birthday as my daughter was a baby. Looking back I wish I'd made more effort. If you can get a babysitter I'd view it as a lovely night/weekend away just you and your partner and have a nice time at the evening reception. But if your partner is going to be moody about it then i guess not? I like to spread out my big birthday celebrations over a number of weekends (months 😉) though. You could have a family party at home the weekend before or after really. Remind your fiancé that if you turn this down he can never bin off your birthdays to go to a stag do etc. Worth thinking longterm. I'm 50 next year and haven't been invited to a wedding for at least 10 years 🤷‍♀️

I think this is the issue. Imagine travelling all that way and you're not even invited to the meal.
What are they supposed to do between the ceremony and the evening event?

I think he is being childish.

I would be VERy upset if a friend failed to come to my wedding because of any birthday - unless it was a big pre-arranged party.

However - they have 'only' invited you for the evening therefore I think you are not the top guest! so you are free to decline.

She's not invited to 100% of the wedding though, is she?