30th birthday or friend's wedding?

Normally I'd go to the wedding, it's a once in a life time event. I'd not make a fuss if it was my birthday and I'd be a bit suspicious of someone who did. Surely most people celebrate their big birthdays on the closest weekend anyway? BUT the no meal is extraordinary and I wouldn't put myself out to go to a wedding like that. Never heard of that !

For some people it is a huge achievement those of us that have had serious health issues.

The point is not the 30th birthday but the brass neck cheek to organise a wedding and not even feed your guests, 3 hours from where they live and expect them to feel welcome?!

This. It’s hardly an achievement to reach 30. If it was a 100th birthday it might be different.

Why on earth would anyone do this?? The cost of a hotel, dinner, travel, presents, outfits and babysitting is going to be astronomical!!
The bride and groom clearly don’t value their guests at all, leaving them for hours on end without any food or shelter. Such a basic and essential thing to do given the effort that is required.

I would also never use a babysitter I didn’t know. It is dangerous and risky with very young children.

A wedding is a one off special occasion, he could celebrate his weekend the previous day or the next. Do you have anyone to have your kids so you and yo ur partner can just go? Then during the wedding meal you’ll have some time free together to go out for a birthday meal of your own

So spend a large sum of money on a nice hotel, spend a large sum of money on a babysitter, spend a large amount of time and money on 6 hours of travel, spend a large sum of money on a nice meal. And sit around for several hours in after the meal and before the evening do.

All for the wedding of someone who doesn't consider you important enough to pay for you to have their "average wedding breakfast".

Sounds great 🙄

This.

I would be happy to celebrate my birthday anothet day, or dh his

But yes ignoring that the wedding does not sound easy though so this does sum it up

A birthday does not trump a wedding! Celebrate his birthday another day. It’s not like you have particular plans already set for it.
I would be very hurt if I were your friend and you prioritised a birthday.

That wedding sounds rubbish:
It's a long way away.
Kids are not included and
You are not invited for the food.

I'd turn it down for that alone. A bonus you partner can celebrate his birthday on the day.

I’m Team Do What You Want…

On the one hand, birthdays don’t need to be celebrated on the specific day. It doesn’t matter at all…

On the other hand, it sounds a bit of a pain of a wedding anyway with not being able to go to the wedding breakfast and having to leave your actual baby behind, so I don’t think you particularly owe her.

If as a family you’d prefer not to go, don’t go.

Book a lovely hotel near the venue, go for a nice meal while everyone is ‘enjoying’ a probably average wedding breakfast, and make it into a weekend celebration. Find a hotel that has babysitting and bring the kids, or leave them with family if you can and enjoy a child free weekend. I would definitely be attending the wedding, you can properly celebrate his birthday the day before or after.

I can’t believe they are not giving their guests a meal given the distances. Where are they expected to go between the ceremony and the evening reception? On that basis alone it would be a hard no from me.

Your friend is a bit of a twat to expect you to pay for a babysitter and travel 3 hours to their wedding, only to not feed you and expect you to entertain yourselves for 3 hours! She's not a very good friend if she expects that.

Is this a new thing, get people to travel miles to attend the ceremony then hang around for hours until the night do?

I'd prioritise his birthday in these circumstances.

Your friend might not have known she had chosen your fiancés birthday as her wedding day BUT :

• *she knows where you live,

she knows you have two small children

and has STILL invited you to a childfree wedding, miles and hours from home and with a huge gap in the middle of the bits you are invited too.

I think she sent the invitation knowing full well you were unlikely to say yes please because of your circumstances but hoping you will fork out for a wedding present.

I would have no qualms about responding saying thank you for the invitation, hope you have a lovely day but unfortunately we are unable to attend, look forward to catching up with you later to hear all about your special day.

No need to give a reason, or imo send a present, though I would send a card nearer the day.

This!

What a strange invite.

Can’t believe that you get invited to the wedding, but not the meal, and then the evening do !!

But my friend invited me and a lot of others to the reception but not the actual wedding ceremony ( reception food was the worst too, and went onto to the evening, so lots of drink and we had to get a takeaway on the way home )
I wouldn’t be bothered about a 30th birthday, as you have a birthday every year.

No one cares about their friend partner's birthday and I don't know why you'd think they would. But the setup sounds like it won't work for you so no reason to go. I wouldn't mention the birthday though as that's just silly.

OP. This is a doozy. I’ve changed my mind from Wedding to Birthday but only because the friend has basically made it really hard and costly, by not inviting you to the meal. she is not making it easy and it suggests your presence isn’t key to her big day.

But I’d want to avoid setting a precedent that his wants and wishes trump yours and I’d be watching for red flags around other times he wants you to skip your social stuff and be with him.

I’d choose a wedding over a 30th birthday, which I don’t see as a particularly big deal. However, if you’ve got small children and it’s a child-free wedding some distance away I think that would be a perfectly valid reason to decline.

I think, on balance, I agree. But OP make sure this isn’t a pattern of behaviour with your fiancé wanting you to miss things with friends and priories him.

Hmm, when I read the heading I first thought, wedding obvs. However the circumstances are clearly telling me that the wedding arrangements are detrimental to your family even without the birthday. So no, don't go to the wedding, plan a lovely family birthday event that works for you all instead.

A no brainer surely? The birthday takes priority.

You’re not even invited to the whole event despite having to travel some distance to attend plus no children??

N’ah, it would be a ‘thanks but I’ve got plans’ from me, even if I didn’t have any. I wouldn’t bother sending a gift either, just a card.